Speech by Bernie Glackin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bernie Glackin
Speech Date: oct 2004

Everyone will have to excuse if I seem a bit nervous, the last time I stood in front of a crowd like this I just had to say two words, “Not Guilty” I got fined £200 and got 40 hours community service.
Then I got Paul to stand as a character witness, they upped it to £300, so one word springs to mind “REVENGE”.

When Paul first asked me to be his best man, I told him that I was deeply honoured, but unfortunately I didn't think I was the right person for the job.
He then said to me, “OK, then. How about £30?”
I said, “Paul, I can't be bought, I value your friendship too much!”
He then offered £50, and bottle fine malt whisky.

Pause.

Good afternoon. Ladies & Gentlemen…… and I use the term Gentlemen loosely as I know we have some of the Toon Army with us today, my name is Bernie, and I am Paul's Best Man today.

As Henry the 8th said to each of his wives….I wont keep you long!

Making speeches is not one of my strong points. One bit of advice that I was given though is that the speech should last no longer than it takes the Groom to make love…..… So thank you very much, and enjoy the rest of your evening! (SIT DOWN)

Before I carry on with Paul's character assassination,
At this point I would like to thank Paul & Stevie on behalf of the Bridesmaids for their kind words. I think we all agree that they looked fabulous today. And I must say it's been a wonderful day and a very emotional Wedding, even the cake was in tiers. Also, I think we would all agree that today Faith looked absolutely stunning..… And as for Paul, well he just looked absolutely stunned!

It was a great honour for me when Paul asked me to be his Best Man…… and he has assured me that if I do a good job today, then I can be the best man at his next Wedding too!….… only joking Faith.

It's my first experience at being a Best Man, and a terrifying one at that. Being asked to be the best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen.… It's a great honour but nobody really wants to do it, you see, the trouble with being Best Man at a Wedding is that you never get to prove it, maybe later on Ladies.

Anyway, so Paul & Faith have finally decided to get married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate, as Paul couldn't have done any better……and Faith couldn't have done any worse!
I suppose it is true what they say, all men are born free and equal but then they get married.

Paul Douglas Born 30-09-66. At this point I was going speak about some events that happened in “66” but it was quite a disastrous year, apart from this man being born. Two disasters that spring to mind, the Abervan disaster in Wales where all those kids got killed, the other happened in Scotland, some team called England won the world cup, and their still making us pay for it.

Anyway he weighed in at a healthy 2 and a half stone and what an ugly baby was our Paul was, in fact he was that ugly when the Doctor delivered him he couldn't differentiate between his bum and his face so the doctor just slapped Mrs Douglas.

I asked his mum if she had any cute photos of Paul to show everyone here today. There was this one of Paul lying naked on a sheepskin rug in front of the fire eating a chocolate biscuit and dribbling. I was going to bring it to show you all, but I thought it may have been too embarrassing, as he was 18 years old at the time! Now show photographs.

I was also going to mention some of Paul's ex-girlfriends, as is traditional in a Best Man's speech. Fortunately though for Paul, due to the foot and mouth outbreak last year… most of them have been culled and incinerated!

Paul was a fun loving and happy child, always smiling mischievously, getting most fun from taking the tyres off toy cars. How little did he know that many years later he would again be trying to remove a tyre off, that being the one around his waist so he can fit into his Wedding Gaff.

Unfortunately I didn't know Paul during his school years, but I'm reliably told that he was an ideal pupil, who excelled at most subjects. Sorry that should read.
“He was an idle pupil, who was expelled from most subjects”!!!!
Fortunately, whilst investigating Paul's school days, I came across a number of school reports and I have a couple of extracts for you.

Arithmetic – Although very keen, Paul has a distinct problem differentiating between inches and millimetres!!!

Religious Education- Paul's understanding of Christianity is very poor; so much so that he still believes the book of Genesis was written by Phil Collins!!!!

Music- Paul takes a very hands on approach to music, but I only wish he'd concentrate his efforts on playing in the band rather than with himself.

Having said that he left school with straight A's across the board for all his exams.
I first met him when he was 16yrs of age, a very funny lad, and always had some fantastic jokes up his sleeve.
I introduced him to his first pub and night club, on that night I got chatted up by a couple of females, blind ones I think, anyway that was him hooked and that was the end of my trendy wardrobe, as he said if they clothes work for you they'll do for me.

He had some tempary jobs at that time in his life, Bar Man at Cleland Club, which he saw as an ideal opportunity to pick up loose woman, a DJ another opportunity to attract the opposite sex,
But that didn't work and if you would have heard him Djing you understand why, and Labouring in the Steel Works, I'll always remember Paul and his dad coming home from their shift as black as the ace of spades and Paul would promptly go into an Al Jolson number, having me and Liz in stitches.

Well Scotland couldn't keep hold of him, his ambitions lay else where, he moved to Newcastle when he was 22 and became very popular with the local girls because of his broad Scottish accent, boyish good looks & his Big……(Look at sheet)…………PERSONALITY…

I'd like to tell you about all the mammoth binges we've been on. I'd like to tell you about the sordid events that went on during our nights out together. In fact I'd like someone to tell me because I just can't remember – Something about beer amnesia or something…I can't remember..

One such instance does stand out though, Big Pierre's stag weekend, remember the Leasham Lane Club Paul.
Ladies and Gentlemen this is a strip club, let me set the scene for you, 8 Guys with major hangovers all feeling very horny, we hit this club and we all thought we'd stepped back in time, the Saloon at the OK Coral didn't have a look-in, anyway we settled in, the strippers came on, Paul told the strippers that it was his mates stag do and could they do something with him…….TELL STORY.

There then followed several years of drinking, throwing up, being blown out by lots of woman, more drinking, occasionally getting off with an old dog, more throwing up, a trip to the clinic, more drinking.

He's always been a keen sportsman over the years. He's tried his hand at them all from Golf to tennis , he even played a bit of football with his work mate so I decided to ask them about his abilities .They told me that Paul was absolutely useless in every position………I just hope you have better luck Faith!!

As you probably know, Paul isn't known for his charm and eloquence and didn't disappoint that night when he whispered those oh-so-romantic first words to his future wife……”Your Late Bitch”. But Faith tried hard to make amends, so-much-so that she even drank halves instead of her usual pints to try and impress him, And luckily for Paul he had moved on from the old days of Gin and Bitter Lemon to Beer drinking, so Faith didn't think he was too much of a Poof.

Paul & Faith, marriage is full of excitement and frustration:

In the 1st year of marriage the man speaks, and the woman listens
In the 2nd year of marriage the woman speaks and the man listens
But in the 3rd year of marriage, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Paul you have pulled a blinder in marring Faith you have found someone who is beautiful, charming, funny, loving & caring a match for you any day of the week. Faith, you've found, well you've found Paul.

A little cautionary tale Paul, about marriage.
A father took his son aside on his wedding day and said, “Son, the key to a stress free marriage is making sure the mans in charge, and today is the day you have to make sure she understands that. I'll tell you a little secret, On my wedding night I took off my Y-Fronts, threw them at your mother and said put those on”. She said “But I can't wear these, they're far to big”. “That's right” I said “And don't you forget that its me how wears the pants round here”. The son smiled and thanked his dad for the advice. Later that night, when he and his new bride got into the hotel bedroom, he slipped off his Calvin Kline's and threw them at her. “Put those on” he said. “But I can't wear these, they're far too big”. “That's right” he said, “And don't forget who that its me who wears the pants in this relationship”. She then slipped off her slinky G-String and threw it at him. “Put those on” she said “Don't be stupid” he said, “I can't get in to your knickers”.
“No” she said “And you never will with that attitude”.

A more Generous Man is our Paul, when giving out advice, especially about technical matters; he's the most generous person I know. Paul's advice is never wrong. He advised on that point himself, so it must be true. I'm sure the guy's in Kamatsu will back him up on that one.

Gadgets- Thankfully for Faith, Paul has long since put his Airfix & Lego away, so she only has to compete with his NASA grade stereo system, his Top of the range Mercedes, his computer and his other toy's which lay beneath his bed!!!
Paul has always been fond of fiddling with his gadgets. I think its true to say that he never paid much attention to girls until he heard that the secret to satisfying one was knowing which buttons to press!

We may asking ourselves what Faith sees in Paul, I regularly do as well. But they do say love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener, so I'd just like to say Paul, you are a lucky man marring Faith today. She deserves a good husband.… So thank God you married her before she found one.

During the last few years, we've done many things and most of them of pretty daft, most of them are related to nights out and most of them related to Alcohol. But with Faith, Paul's become more refined. This is a man with passion for Building Big Tonka toys, a passion for buying houses, a love of music, and a fetish for dressing up in 70’s gear. What a catch!!!

AND FINALLY

I'm sure a number of you here today have been best man at a wedding before, but I wonder how many of you have ever received guidelines form to bride to be? This is an e-mail that Faith sent me last week, but I only read it yesterday.

Bernie,

I was very pleased when Paul asked you to be best man at our wedding and knew by selecting you he had made the right decision. We have both known you for some time know and we cannot think of anybody taller, darker or better looking to fulfil this part.

As we get closer to the wedding day I'm sure you appreciate the stress that we are both under, ensuring that all arrangements have been checked and doubled checked to make the day run smoothly, but there is two areas that do cause me concern, your speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes a certain amount of fun at the groom, with stories and jokes about his past exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our day and I don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.
With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all have a wonderful day;

Remember at all times that all my closest and dearest friends will be there.
Remember at all times that Paul's family is there.
DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT use your fingers when eating
DO NOT take food from anybody else's plate
DO NOT dance
DO NOT sing
DO NOT pick your nose
DO NOT talk about Paul's little problem
DO NOT leer at woman with low-cut tops
DO NOT fart
DO NOT harass the bridesmaids
Make sure you keep your kilt on
Make sure Paul keeps his kilt on
DO NOT LET Paul drink port
DO NOT let Paul drink whiskey
DO NOT let Paul drink
DO NOT make your speech too long
DO NOT touch the cake
DO NOT let Paul steal anything

But most importantly, enjoy yourself, but not too much!!!!!!!!

Paul you've been a great friend to me over the years, and I love you to bits. It's been an honour & a pleasure to be your best man on your special day.

And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day.
But now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Paul & Faith;

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever.
TO PAUL & FAITH..

Read cards…