Speech by Bevan Collings

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bevan Collings
Speech Date: Feb2005
Right Sophia, I think you will know my audience better than me, so would you like to read out the choice of three possible speeches that I've prepared and then choose one of them. [Show the bride 3 A4 envelopes, labelled ‘Upset the Family (X Rated Version 1.1)’, ‘Upset the Family (X Rated Version 1.2)’ and ‘Upset the Family (X Rated Version 1.3)’]

Te hei Maori ora. Te rongia te taha eh hoki mai….who am I kidding this speech isn't about my cuzzie bro Soph it's about GLENN BOY!!!!…..who's now my cuzzie bro too? (Maori laugh) Ladies and Gentleman and the Shann family….… I'd like to say just 1 or 2 words, a but unfortunately I'm not allowed to so I'll say some other ones.

(big PAUSE) I suppose your thinking what's with the big pause (lift hands with mittens) but I have always had them.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is "Bevan What-Are-You-Drinking". So if you see me later on, don't hesitate to call me by my name. Although I'm sure you'll have a few other names for me after I've finished this. But Fatso wouldn't be original. Of course, the only problem with being the best man at a wedding is that you never to prove it, but if anyone wants to start a drinking competition later …Well….first of all I would like to join my self in thanking my self on this auspicious occasion. oh and the management here at the racecourse have asked that you refrain from standing on the tables for my ovation.

And while we are on such a high note I'd like to mention that the bridesmaids are looking particularly scrumptious …..opps I mean voluptuous, please excuse me I'm illegitimate, .and say things fack to bront. Leah Anne and Tracey You have done a bang up job of the hen's doo and helping Soph with her special day today. And I'll catch you two on the dance floor latter. Kacey and Tia are little show stealers aren't they just gorgeous! Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time, especially for an hour. So I'm sure you'll all agree they've performed such a role splendidly. And that was in spite of some of the inevitable rivalry and competition that will naturally exist between them. Indeed, prior to the service I witnessed a furious argument about who was to get the first dance with the Best Man – which, being a good looking guy, I can understand. But fortunately it was all sorted out with barely a broken fingernail or slashed cheek – which is what I'll probably get later on. At least it will be worth it for the cheap laugh I just got.

Stevie here has come all the way over from Aussie, so I guess a big thanks to Stevie for joining his child hood mate Glenn on his big day. Stevie has always very competitive whether it be game of pool, darts or Indian leg wrestling, I'm just glad it didn't come down to a game of pick up stix for the best man position. So Stevie I guess I won this one. Just look over at table 4 there, and you'll see there was very little competition – that just looks like the bar scene from Star Wars.

It's good to see the weather is better than Glenn predicated for today. Although I understand he reckons there could be 6-8 inches over night

There are obviously two very important people here today, without whom very little of this would have been possible. And the great thing is that as the evening progresses, most of us will get to spend more and more time talking with them. So please join me in a very special toast – to the bar staff!

This is the bit where we get the groom and trash his character. Well Glenn Barnes I didn't know the guy could be such an animal, The stag doo it's the end of the night and we were out the back of….no I just can't tell that story at this particular time, at this time I think that story is out of all contention. I am reluctant to share too much detail about the stag do I organised, but cheers lads for a great time. [Nod to table of Glenn's mates.]. Oh, and that reminds me, Barry – you still owe me forty Bucks for those last two dances you had.

OK well Glenn Boy is slow, real slow, if there is anything that can be annoying about Glenn it is how slow, methodical and thorough he is. If we are going any where or doing anything Glenn is always the last to come……..I suppose right time, right place that isn't altogether a bad thing.

I meet Glenn through the youth group and the next year the big kids left the little kids and started there own group. Because I had started work I was classed as a big kid so I got to hang out with old Dudes like Glenn Stevie, Bryce, and Walter. We would do great things like camp out with rifles and motor bikes, the group would grow to around 30 people hanging out together and they were great times. Slowly all the boys grew up and settled down then it was just Glenn and I left.

At this point a big thanks has to be said to Barry and Jan Barnes I mean MUM AND DAD, now that we are family. And to Glenn and Tracey, your family had all of us in your home all times of the night and day and I know that Soph…….and I have become part of an awesome family.

Talking about awesome families Ole Glenn boy here is so lucky, he now has two mother in-laws and two father-in laws. How lucky is that. Seriously Aunty Alison you look fantastic, you passed on some grouse jeans to make Soph look the part today. Mark your a pretty smooth player giving your daughter away today where did you find shiny black moccasins? And Keith you made my eyes all gluggy with that special number.

How they meet. Soph worked at k-mart. Glenn and I used to stop and say hi when we saw her there. What she didn't realize was that we used to pop into K-Mart on perving missions. We would go in and perv on our favorite K-mart chicks. I didn't realize Glenn was perving at Soph, you dirty old man!

I invited Soph along to hang out with my mates, I said to her hey why don't you go out with Glenn he's a nice guy, you'll never find better,……..hey this isn't Marton or Patea she just can't marry her cousin can she! And you might even liven the guy up and settle you down.

I said to Glenn hey what about that cuzzie of mine Soph sure she's a Maori but hey she could be good for you, liven you up a bit, you can quiten her down, you'll be good for each other. Plus there might be some fishing quota or land in it for you.

Well ole Glenn boy wasn't to slow on the up take, in like a dog chasing a cat. He was a little slower on getting engaged. A whole lot slower! But hey it's an important decision, not one to make lightly. A lot has to be taken into account when you are 31 and still live at home with mum and dad. Firstly does she cook as well as mum, will she make the bed like mum, will she wash my clothes like mum then iron and fold them. Well she put them away in my draws, will she help me find my socks and undies in the morning before work. Will she put a hottie in my bed at night. (I think she will) Will she fetch me a drink if I'm thirsty? Will she do all sorts of yum yum pigs bum home baking even when there isn't a special occasion. There must be a whole lot more she has promised because HE SOLD HIS BOAT!!!!! What's with that? HE SOLD HIS BOAT!!!!!!!!

Standing up the front at the wedding Soph had just made her entrance into the aisle and Glenn did ask me if she was wearing an off white dress, because he hoped she matched the kitchen appliances in their new house. I really didn't think Glenn was like that.

I didn't realize they would both end up slow and prudish and hard to organize.

Over time Glenn and I have remained top notch friends, while most of the crowd have moved on we are the good night Kiwis in Wanganui. Beyond the fact that we share common interest in all great things like shooting, motor bike boats …the list goes on. Glenn's the sort of person who is a dependable trust worthy and honest friend, far more than just a mate. We can travel and not need to say a word I feel we are just comfortable in each other company. Cricky Soph I think I'm getting jealous.

Now Soph I don't want you to panic if at about midnight if Glenn starts acting strange and getting dressed up again. He was just telling Stevie and me a moment ago that around Midnight he will be going to town!!!

I've got to say the day has gone really well. I'm pleased to see you decided to go with a traditional style wedding. If you did go with a Maori wedding I just couldn't see how you were going to find a venue big enough to fit all the mattresses in for this many people.

Soph I'm sure it is without doubt today that Glenn has taken your hand in marriage, you look stunning and you have given a Kacey a Tia a real run for there money. You have the curves so you win! Glenn and Soph I think you make a great Couple I'm proud to be family and wrapped to be a friend ladies and gentle man I ask that you to be up standing and charge your glasses a Toast to the Bride and Groom

……………And now one for the best man