Speech by Bevan Collings

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bevan Collings
Speech Date: Mar2005
I tell you what?! Looks like I missed the reception there is Seamen every where.
For those of you that don't know me, my name is Bevan, I am the Eldest son of the groom Brian and CLEARLY (To use one of Jodi's words) I've obviously been honoured with the job of best man. And on behalf of my brother Greg, my sister Anna and my self I would like to welcome you Jodi to our family.
You can probably tell I'm a little nervous. In fact this is the fifth time today I've stood up from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.
I would like to say how pleasing it is to see so many of Brian and Jodi's close relatives and friends who have joined them on their wedding day. It never fails to amaze me the distance some people will travel for some free grub.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Jodi and Brian that if there is anything a little risqué, I'll whip it out immediately..…
And now onto the lovely bridesmaid. Aunty Toni you are looking spectacular Grrrr baby! I'm sure you have made today special for Jodi, travelling from Oz and getting her to all the necessary appointments on time! So, a toast to the lovely Aunty Toni. Aunty Toni.
Before the wedding I had a quick chat with Chaddy the marriage celebrant and, being a good boy, I asked him for his thoughts regarding sex before marriage …he looked around, leaned across and whispered “I have no problems with that whatsoever – providing it doesn't delay the ceremony!” – I thought to my self this is from a man doesn't even have an Organ!
Before any one says to me gee you've got fat I'd like to mention it is because of a medical condition. So don't embarrass your self!
My father has many close friends so I was surprised when he asked me to be his best man. But on reflection, I think he was swayed by the fact that I know very little about the first 18-23 years of his life, which therefore puts some rather embarrassing stories out of reach. Or so he thought.
Recently dad had the misfortune of a little accident he was trying to cheat the Garbos of about probably $2 dollars of rubbish by stomping up and down in his wheelie bin. He had his arm tucked in the rafter under the deck of the house to support himself, but this time he hadn't put the wheelie bin in facing the wall and it took off, his waif of a body was left dangling from his muscly arm, once the arm had dislocated its self from its socket he fell to the ground adding insult to injury he landed on his dislocated arm. Meanwhile, Jodi is meandering through woollies wondering how she is going to sign her name Jodi Collings. When she gets home half and hour later she finds dad on the ground in the most immense pain and unable to get up to use the phone, so she calls an ambulance to take him to the hospital. Actually come to think of it I think his last ride in an ambulance was for a heart attack, no that's right it turned out to be indigestion. Any way after sitting and waiting for hours, with the pain killers making absolutely no difference, one of the doctors works it out that the arm is dislocated and he hasn't snapped it in half so they pop it back in just like that. So maybe next time you are on Womble duty you may wish to take into account the $150 Ambulance ride, the pain and extreme humiliation, and pay a $1.55 for a rubbish bag.
Now Dad and I go Back a wee way, We have been through the roughest, toughest of times and some of the most exhilarating of times together. We have carried out rescues at sea, boated in extreme sea conditions. Scuba dived, and broken speed limits together Wanganui to Rotorua in two and Quarter Hours. Wanganui to Auckland in 3 and half.
Dad is a perfectionist and gives every thing 210%. When he is on the job he does it to beyond expectation. Gee, Jodi's a “lucky girl”. From three years of age he was in cleaning his dads work tools and tinkering with motors, which lead onto his great gift of driving, any sort of vehicle. As forementioned his speed and handling being paramount. Gee Jodi you are a “lucky girl”. His love of boats developed from here – he may not be so good on the dancefloor but boy can he get a boat to boogie!
Everybody knows the bride glows on their wedding day but what's with the groom? You've got to check out the pearlies on this one, they have more bling bling than Jodi's engagement ring.
I'm sure you'll agree that my first duty of getting Brian to the Ceremony on time was a success, actually I think he was hanging out for the ride in the new chopper. The man has spent the last 6 months dieting so I bet he's hanging out for a real feed!
Ladies and gentleman, it gives me the great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the 2 people who without them today would not have been so special…………………………LADIES & GENTLEMEN………………..THE BAR STAFF.
I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing Brian and Jodi's day, Particularly those who have travelled a long distances.
And so my last task (before I can really enjoy a drink)
is to propose a toast

It now gives me immense pleasure, to invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Brian and Jodi, Mr and Mrs Collings no less. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long, Happy and fruitful marriage.
Brian & Jodi…