Speech by Big Al

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Big Al
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Afternoon Ladies and gentlemen,

I think that's the first time in 25yrs Sam's actually paid me a compliment!
Just like to start off by saying that by marrying Shelley this afternoon, Sam really has made the ultimate sacrifice. Not just by giving up his status as a single man-he has actually had to miss QPR away in a pre-season friendly! If only they'd wed at midday we'd still have made it in time for KO!
Still-at least we're not missing the first game of the season……Pazza.…

On a totally different note- I'd like to thank Sam for choosing me as his best man and on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank him for his kind words. I must echo his comments-Tash, Caroline and Anna you look absolutely lovely.
Of course I feel compelled to say that, as they're all bigger than me.…

I first met Sammy in about 1975 and believe me, ladies and gentleman-he wasn't always the hairy blond Adonis we see here today. Apparently when he was born he was so ugly, the midwife slapped his parents….…
As a young boy, Sammy with his FA cup ears and goofy demeanour was affectionately known as ‘Plug’ after the character from the Beano comics.
Although it was obvious from an early age that Sam was to develop into an athlete of considerable sporting prowess-the envy of all the other boys-his first love was always football. Give him a ball as a young boy and within minutes he could break a window pane-almost at will…
25 years on and Sam still plies his trade on the football field, unusual in that he is considerably heavier than most natural footballers. Having said that he's heavier than most people full stop. He remains a stalwart centre-half for Parkfield FC, very much in the Neil Ruddock mould, though’ without the natural turn of pace……
Many of his fellow players often remark that Sam only has to open his legs to reveal his class…

Sam's training and diet is a strict and punishing regime…on occasion involving almost round the clock power-drinking. He is able to mix both beers wines and spirits with considerable ease and constantly puts many of his peers to shame.
In terms of refuelling, Sammy's idea of a balanced diet is to have his chips in one hand and his doner kebab in the other. Naturally the ketchup he keeps in the middle-mostly down his shirt…… from where he can dip his doner meat at his leisure.

Other than both playing and watching football, Sam's other hobbies include getting sent off in major cup-ties, normally for foul and abusive language aimed at the ref.
When attending social gatherings his greatest pleasure is to lift up his shirt before forcing the hairy folds of flab on his belly together to resemble a woman's private parts………both clever and very witty I'm sure you will agree.

Typical of Sam's giving nature, even at an early age –was the time the pair of us and a very slim Paul Parry decided to take the day off school to finish a piece of coursework. Naturally after maybe….4 or 5 minutes of this, Sam became bored and, as you do, started kicking me repeatedly in the shins under the table. After 15 or 20 mins of this I became increasingly angry and the next thing you know we both shot up, sending chairs and books flying and screamed “COME ON THEN” at the same time. It was at this point that the Head Librarian ran over and explained that threatening behaviour, as well as heavy petting, were against the library rules and could we all leave the premises. It was then that I uttered the immortal words which Sam still reminds me of to this day- “Biggerstaff-you're walking a thin line…..”

On a totally different note, I have to say that I was privileged to be present the night Sam and Shelley recorded their first ever kiss. Picture the scene ladies and gentlemen. Outside the Victory pub, Pinner High St-it's just after closing and it's raining. A large drunken brawl erupts a few yards away…and naturally Sam, true to form was getting stuck in ….by cowering in a shop doorway. A young Shelley Thom happens upon him and you could tell there was an immediate chemistry- most of the chemicals of course were in the 13 or so pints of Lowenbrau that Sam had just quaffed……
Shelley seized the opportunity and with only romance on her mind-took the plunge. In the same way Sambo, with the prospect of a human body-shield on his mind.… also took the plunge. It was obvious from that day onwards that they were made for each other and here we see the result after a 9 year courtship.

Very soon after announcing their engagement, Shelley proudly proclaimed to Sam that when they were married she wanted to make love every night of the week… Obviously Sam-delighted at the prospect- said straight away “Well you can pencil me in for Monday, Wednesday and Friday……”

They say that marriage is like a 3 ring circus –the engagement ring… the wedding ring… the suffer-ring..…
I'm not normally one for pearls of wisdom but:

Sam remember, never to swear at your wife if there are ladies present..…
Also-the three magic words….”You're right dear”.…

Shelley-remember that men are like a fine wine -they start off like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they turn into something that you would like to have dinner with.
Sam- on the other hand, women are also like a fine wine- they start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind; then they turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache!

Before I finish off, no doubt to the relief of all, I heard a small joke the other day that really bought home the true meaning of married bliss:
‘A father and his young lad are walking thru’ the chemists and the boy picks up a packet of condoms and asks “Dad, Dad..what are these” and the father explains.
Then the boy asks “But Dad, why do they come in packs of 3, 6 and 12”.
His father replies, “the packs of 3 are for teenage boys, they use one on the Friday night, one on the Saturday night and one on the Sunday. The packs of 6 are for lads in their 20s-they'll use 2 on the Friday night, 2 on the Saturday night and 2 again on the Sunday. The packs of 12 are for married men, they use one in January, one in February…….’

On a final note I would like to take this opportunity to wish Sam and Shelley all the health happiness and success in the world and Ladies and Gentlemen I would ask all those-that are still able- to join me in being upstanding and raising a toast to the new Mr and Mrs Biggerstaff…..Sam & Shelley.

Thank you- I can have a drink now!!