Speech by Bil Briody

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bil Briody
Speech Date: Mar2003
FIRSTLY, I WOULD LIKE TO WISH YOU ALL A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR….OH NO , WAIT ,THAT WAS MY OLD SPEECH. LADIES AND GENTLE MEN ,BOYS AND GIRLS ,I AM THE BEST MAN ,AND FOR THOSE OF YOU THAT DON'T KNOW ME ,MY NAME IS BILL ;OBVIOSLY ,I'D RATHER YOU USE MY FULL NAME WHICH IS BILL D'YA WANNAPINT.
SINCE I WAS ASKED TO BE BESTMAN I HAVE HAD MANY A SLEEPLESS DAY IN WORK TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO SAY ABOUT MY GOOD FRIEND OWEN. REST ASSURED THOUGH ,UNLIKE MANY BEST MAN SPEECHES THAT ARE FULL OF SEXUAL INNUENDO , I PROMISED OWEN AND EMMA THAT IF THERE IS ANYTHING SLIGHTLY RISQUE , I'LL WHIP IT OUT IMMEDIATELY. I AM ONLY GOING TO SPEAK FOR A FEW MINUTES BECAUSE OF MY THROAT , IF I GO ON TOO LONG ,EMMA HAS THREATENED TO CUT IT.
IN FACT I MUST BE ONE OF THE ONLY BEST MEN TO GET WRITTEN GUIDELINES FROM THE BRIDE-TO-BE. I WOULD LIKE TO READ YOU AN E-MAIL THAT EMMA SENT TO ME PRIOR TO TODAY.
PRIVATE & CONFIDENTIAL ,
BILL ,
I WAS VERY PLEASED WHEN OWEN ASKED YOU TO BE BEST MAN AT OUR WEDDING. I INSTANTLY KNEW HE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION . I HAVE KNOWN YOU FOR SOME TIME NOW AND I CANNOT THINK OF ANYBODY MORE CHARISMATIC ,INTELLIGENT ,BETTER LOOKING OR DOWNRIGHT SEXY THAN YOU TO FULFILL THIS CRUCIAL ROLE ON OUR BIG DAY .
AS WE GET CLOSE TO THE WEDDING , MOST TASKS HAVE BEEN TAKEN CARE OF BUT THERE ARE TWO AREAS THAT CAUSE ME A LITTLE CONCERN……YOUR SPEECH AND YOUR CONDUCT.
I APPRECIATE THAT AS BEST MAN YOU ARE REQUIRED TO WRITE A SPEECH THAT POKES FUN AT OWEN ,WITH STORIES AND JOKES ABOUT HIS PAST EXPLOITS ,BUT I DO WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT THIS IS OUR WEDDING DAY AND I DON'T WANT SOMETHING YOU MIGHT SAY OR DO TO SPOIL IT .
WITH THIS IN MIND , PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THE FOLLOWING AND I'M SURE WE WILL ALL HAVE A WONDERFULL DAY:

DO NOT GET DRUNK
DO NOT USE BAD LANGUAGE
DO NOT TELL DIRTY JOKES
DO NOT SING
DO NOT LET OWEN SING
DO NOT MENTION OWENS “LITTLE PROBLEM”
DO NOT LET OWEN DRINK LARGE VODKAS AND RED BULL
DO NOT LET OWEN DRINK SMIRNOFF ICE
DO NOT LET OWEN DRINK

FINALLY , MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON , AND MAKE SURE OWEN KEEPS HIS ON TOO
LOVE, EMMA
NOW WHILE I CANT PROMISE TO KEEP TO ALL OF THESE DEMANDS, I DO HAVE A COUPLE OF DUTIES TO ATTEND TO.
FIRSTLY ON BEHALF OF THE BRIDESMAIDS I'D LIKE TO THANK THE BRIDEGROOM FOR HIS KIND WORDS ,YOU KNOW I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE HARD TO FOLLOW A SPEECH BY OWEN ,AND I WAS RIGHT ,I COULDN'T FOLLOW A BLOODY WORD OF IT.
SO WHY ARE WE ALL GATHERED HERE TODAY , WELL ITS ALL BECAUSE ONE DAY OWEN KNELT DOWN TO TIE HIS SHOELACES AND EMMA JUMPED TO CONCLUSIONS .THANKS ANYWAY MATE ,LOVELY GRUB.
OWEN WAS BORN ON THE 20th DECEMBER 1975AND WAS ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SMALL BABY ,SINCE THEN HE HAS GOT OLDER ON A YEAR BY YEAR BASIS. HE WASN'T A VERY PRETTY BABY .IN FACT HIS MOTHER DIDN'T GET MORNING SICKNESS UNTIL AFTER HE WAS BORN. HIS PARENTS WERE A LITTLE DISSAPOINTED WHEN HE CAME ALONG ,THEY WERE HOPING FOR A GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
IT'S A LITTLE KNOWN FACT THAT OWEN WAS NEARLY CHRISTENED “THURSDAY”.WHEN HE WAS BORN AND PRESENTED TO HIS FATHER ,RICHARD LOOKED AT HIM AND SAID TO PAULINE “ I THINK WE BETTER CALL IT A DAY “

MIND YOU I HAVE KNOWN OWEN SINCE HE WAS THIS HIGH ,AND JUST LOOK AT HIM NOW , STILL THIS HIGH .
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO STAND UP HERE AND MAKE FUN OF MY GOOD FRIEND,LIFE'S TOO SHORT ,AND SO IS HE
YOU SEE THEY JUST DON'T MAKE GUYS LIKE HIM ANY LONGER.
HE WAS OFFERED A PART TIME JOB ONCE ,STANDING AROUND IN A BAR ,THEY RECKONED HE MADE THE DRINKS LOOK BIGGER.
HE'S VERY SUPERSTITIOS , HE THINKS IT UNLUCKY TO WALK UNDER A BLACK CAT.

DESPITE BEING VERTICALLY CHALLENGED ,HE IS A FITNESS FREAK. HE DOES A LOT OF JOGGING ,AND YOU HAVE TO TAKE YOUR HAT OFF TO HIM ,ITS NOT EASY JOGGING WIHILE EATING A PIZZA.
HE HAS MADE A RECENT COMEBACK FOR OUR RUGBY TEAM ,IT'S A GREAT WAY TO MEET NEW PEOPLE , PARAMEDICS ,NURSES AND CHIROPRACTORS. OUR TEAM IS JUST LIKE AN OLD FASHIONED BRA , NO CUPS AND POOR SUPPORT.

HE IS A GOOD SIZE FOR RUGBY EVEN THOUGH HE SUFFERS FROM STOMACH TROUBLE , HE CANT GET HIS SHORTS OVER IT .
THIS GUY HAS HAD MORE HOT DINNERS THAN YOUV'E HAD HOT DINNERS
HE WEIGHS IN AT TWELVE AND A HALF ….ON THE RICHTER SCALE
YES ,FOR HIM A WELL BALANCED MEAL IS A BIG MAC IN EACH HAND..

OWEN TRIED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME ONCE BUT THE FRIDGE WAS TOO HEAVY.
HE DOES WONDERFUL IMPRESSIONS ,EATS LIKE A PIG AND DRINKS LIKE A FISH.

HE'S A DRINKER ALRIGHT ,BUT A HAPPY DRINKER …ALWAYS LAUGHING AND SHAKING HANDS …EVEN WHEN HE IS ON HIS OWN.
WHEN I LEFT HIM ON HIS STAG NIGHT HE WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET IN EDINBURGH TRYING TO ROLL UP THE WHITE LINE.
THE GROOM IS A MAN OF VISION LADIES AND GENTS , SOMETIMES BLURRED ,SOMETIMES DOUBLE.
IT'S NO COINCIDENCE TO OWEN THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN A DAY AND 24 CANS IN A TRAY OF BEER.
HE GETS DRUNK ON WATER ….AS WELL AS ON LAND
WHEN HE IS DRUNK ,YOU CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN HE IS TALKING RUBBISH ….HIS LIPS ARE MOVING
.BUT HE NEVER OPENS HIS MOUTH UNLESS HE HAS NOTHING TO SAY.
IT'S A GOOD JOB OWEN & EMMA SHARE A SENSE OF HUMOUR , HE HASN'T GOT ONE OF HIS OWN .

AND AS MOST COUPLES DO ,THEY HAVE THEIR LITTLE SQUABBLES , NEVER ANYTHING TOO SERIOUS , NOTHING A COUPLE OF COPS AND A PARAMEDIC CANT SORT OUT.

OWEN HAS BEEN DESCRIBED TO ME AS LAZY,SELFISH ARROGANT AND INSENSITIVE…..AND ,LETS FACE IT A MOTHER SHOULD KNOW
HE HAS ONE ASSET THOUGH ,HE'S LOYAL. EVEN WHEN HE WAS A KID .HE USED TO GO OUT FOR WALKS WITH HIS MOTHER , BUT NEVER ONCE LOOKED AT ANY OTHER MOTHER.
I THINK EMMA NOTICED THIS AND THAT'S WHY SHE WALKS ALL OVER HIM .DID YOU NOTICE WHEN FR. McEVOY SAID “DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN “ ,EMMA SAID “HE DOES”
POOR BLOKE ,EVEN ON HIS HONEYMOON HE WILL HAVE TO PLAY HIS CARDS RIGHT.

THE HONEYMOON , THAT SHOULD BE FUN ,I DON'T KNOW HOW OWEN WILL HOLD HIS STOMACH IN FOR TWO SOLID WEEKS.
WHY IS IT THOUGH THAT THEY ‘RE FLYING HUNDREDS OF MILES AWAY ,JUST TO SEND US CARDS SAYING ,WISH YOU WERE HERE!
I AM A BIT CONCERNED FOR OWEN THOUGH ,HE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A BIT NAÏVE WHEN IT COMES TO SEXUAL MATTERS – HE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THAT MUTUAL CLIMAX IS AN INSURANCE COMPANY.
HE THINKS MENOPAUSE IS A CONTROL BUTTON ON HIS DVD
SOMEONE TOLD HIM ONCE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN A SEX WAS FOREPLAY ,SO HE INVITED ANOTHER COUPLE ALONG
HE MAY LOOK STUPID BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN HE'S NOT.

LOOK AT HIM , MAYBE WE COULD FREEZE HIM UNTIL WE FIND A CURE.
HE DIDN'T GET WHERE HE IS TODAY BY CHANCE , HE HAD TO FIGHT AND CLAW HIS WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
OWEN IS WORKING ON HIS SECOND MILLION ….HE GAVE UP ON THE FIRST ONE
I KNOW HIS DAD IS PROUD OF HIM ,HE LOOKS UPON HIM AS THE SON HE NEVER HAD.

OWEN HAS ASKED ME TO GIVE EMMA A COUPLE OF TIPS ABOUT MEN:
1. DON'T CUT YOUR HAIR ,EVER.IT CAUSES ARGUMENTS WHEN WE COMMENT ON IT
2. NO ,WE DON'T KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS ,WE NEVER WILL .MARK ANNIVERSARIES ON A CALENDER
3.MOST BLOKES OWN 2 OR 3 PAIRS OF SHOES ,SO WHAT MAKES YOU THINK WE WOULD BE ANY GOOD AT CHOOSING A PAIR OUT OF 30 THAT GO WITH YOUR DRESS
4. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 OR 8 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSABLE IN A ROW.ALL COMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS
5. IF SOMETHING WE DID SAY CAN BE INTERPRETED IN TWO WAYS ,AND ONE OF THEM MAKES YOU SAD AND ANGRY …WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

AND FOR YOU CORKY ,REMEMBER THIS AND YOU WILL GO FAR:
1. IF YOU ARE CLEVER YOU WILL ALWAYS HAVE THE LAST WORD ,IF YOU ARE REALLY CLEVER YOU WONT USE IT
2. NO MATTER HOW SHE TREATS YOU ,ITS ALWAYS GOOD TO LOOK A LITTLE HURT .
3. AND NEVER GO TO BED ANGRY …….STAY UP AND FIGHT !!!

YOU WOULDN'T THINK EMMA WAS AGGRESSIVE BY LOOKING AT HER , SHE LOOKS STUNNING TODAY …….OWEN JUST LOOKS STUNNED.
MAKES A CHANGE THOUGH ,THE LAST WEDDING I WENT TO ,THE BRIDE WAS SO UGLY ,EVERYBODY KISSED THE GROOM.
SHOULD A COUPLE EMBARKING IN MARRIAGE BE FRANK & EARNEST , OR SHOULD ONE OF THEM BE A GIRL ?
SEX IS NO REASON TO GET MARRIED THOUGH OWEN ,UNLESS YOU'VE LOST INTEREST IN IT.
BY THE WAY ,I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU BUDDY ,THE WAITER JUST BROUGHT EMMA A COUPLE OF DISPRIN..

YOU'LL ALL BE GLAD TO HEAR THAT I AM NEARLY FINISHED SPEAKING . HOWEVER I HAVE ONE LAST TASK , A TOAST . OBVIOUSLY MY TOAST IS GOING TO FOCUS ON THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE HERE TODAY .THE PEOPLE WE ALL HAVE A GREAT LOVE FOR AND WITHOUT THEM ,TODAY WOULDN'T BE POSSIBLE .AT SOME STAGE IN THE EVENING ,IM SURE WE'LL ALL BE SHARING WITH THEM OUR THOUGHTS FROM THIS SPECIAL DAY ,AND GIVING THEM ALL OUR LOVE AND BEST WISHES. THEREFORE ,I WOULD LIKE YOU ALL TO JOIN ME IN A TOAST….…
TO THE BAR STAFF !

SINCERELY THOUGH , WOULD YOU PLEASE STAND AND RAISE YOUR GLASSES AND JOIN ME IN WISHING MR. & MRS. CORCORAN MANY YEARS OF HAPPINESS TOGETHER …
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN ….THE BRIDE AND GROOM.