Speech by Bill Plumb

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bill Plumb
Speech Date: 27/07/2011 00:10:45

Intro

Intro

Honoured Guests and Families….

Today, It is my dubious pleasure of acting as Marks best Man.

To be honest when he first asked me I was quite overcome.

I then realised this wave of emotion.… and the willingness to volunteer….was probably due to the one or two glasses of Red Wine I ‘may’ have consumed that evening with Tomo & Big Dave at Tyram Hall.

On reflection…It dawned on me….

What the hell do I talk about  ???

So I did some research about what my required duties should be:

Duty Number 1

Organise a Stag Do……..

This went off without a hitch. Go Kart Racing and a night out in Nottingham.

We all had a great time

Tomo & I learnt one thing though… Go Kart racing isn't a Fat Lads  sport…..

Weight plus gravity is certainly a disadvantage… No matter how hard we tried we couldn't go any faster.

Christian also made my evening …

As we stood at the Bar…being served by a nice young Lady in Hooters…..He Thanked me for the best night of his life

Wait ‘til you get a bit older Christian and let me know then ………

Duty Number 2

Help the groom dress correctly.

That's a Tricky one…

You'd think a man  Marks Age should be able to accomplish this simple task himself…

But……I hasten to add.… after several hours struggling I think we've done quite a good job.…  Don't you?

Duty Number 3

Ensure that the Groom uses the toilet….

I must Admit to gross dereliction of duty here……

I wasn't too keen on monitoring this one.

Duty Number 4

Bring the following emergency supplies……

Aspirin… Hip Flask.… & a bottle of Valium.

Mission Accomplished on that one……

We polished these off before getting to the church.

Compliments

On a more serious note before I commence with the traditional character assassination of the groom:

I would like to start with a couple of toasts.

On behalf of the bride and groom..… I would like to thank you all for attending this celebration of their marriage.

Louise, your dress is amazing …..you look absolutely fantastic.

The bridesmaids look wonderful as well and have done a marvelous job in helping Louise today.

Toast

So I propose a toast to say thanks to the bridesmaids for doing such a brilliant job.

Ladies  & Gentlemen….The Bridesmaids

Ushers

I would also like to express my sincere thanks to the Ushers today in making sure everybody sat in the right place…

Especially Addie making sure Marc and I got to the right Church at the right time.

Marc ( Groom)

Looking back at the ceremony today… I think we all agree that Louise looks absolutely stunning…

Marc..… He looks like Lou's Zapped him with a Tasar !

Joking Apart…..I first met Mark over 15 years ago.… when I joined the Carp fishing syndicate at Tyram Hall.

Like me  Mark has always had a passion for Angling…

And to my envy …he's caught some pretty Big Kippers over the years.

I'll say one thing Lou….Nobody could catch a much Bigger Kipper than Marc !!!!

Wedding Practice

But seriously Ladies & Gentlemen….

The best man has some rather unusual duties expected of him.

Just the other day Marc asked me if I could attend of all things..… Wedding Practice !

Unfortunately I had a prior engagement……

but I  advised him that if he needed somebody for wedding practice ..… He probably should have paid more attention in school Biology Lessons

Paying Attention & Cessna 126

With regard to paying attention..…  

When motivated.… Marc can pay enormous attention to detail.

Only the other year…Marc developed a keen interest in Aviation.

Nothing as Glamorous I hasten to add as being a pilot or a member of Cabin Crew for Lufthansa or Virgin Atlantic…

But……yes..… you   guessed it…… remote control planes.

Well.… Marc painstakingly fixed up this remote control plane..… with such an amazing attention to detail that Frankly ..… I couldn't fail to be  impressed.

I then took a fishing trip out to France .… only to be phoned mid week by his Dad (Phil) ..… to inform me of passing events.

Marc had got Memphis Belle.… the Ride on Mower out.… to construct an Air Strip….

He mowed it with such precision.… you could have played bowls or Test Cricket on it.

Marc then proceeded to fuel & start this Plane up..… with a view to taxi-ing it around.… to get used to the controls.

Well Cessna 126 had other ideas..… It promptly careered down the run way at full throttle and took off…… into the wide blue yonder like a scene from 633 Squadron.

Just one problem.… There were a set of overhead electric cables in the way….which it only just missed.

However its troubles weren't over….… After Marc wrestling with the controls; It suddenly decided to bury itself Nose First.. into the roof of a neighboring house.

Phil was by now .… rolling about with laughter .… Obviously at Marc's expense.

Fortunately a friendly roofer replaced the broken tiles… and Marc's reputation was saved.

Marc let me know when the rebuild is complete so I can be at the next test flight.

Glamorous Jobs

With regard to Glamorous Jobs ..… Marc's always had a bit of a fetish for Uniforms.

So much that he worked for a while as a Member of Her Majesties Prison Service ……  re-enacting his own version of Mr. MacKay from Porridge.

Mark really enjoyed this job……So much Lou that I have got you a little something.. to help him remember those days ..… and  keep him under control.    

Tomo If I could call on your assistance.   (Tomo Brings Police Woman's Uniform to the Top Table)

Just one thing Lou ..… I've kept one of the Keys to the Handcuffs so that Tomo and I can Occasionally… Unlock him and take him out for a drink.

On a Sincere Note Marc, it is a great honor to be your best man…I hope I haven't let you down.

Marc is a good friend of mine as are all the Johnson Clan….

They are such good friends.. that I am proud to think of them.. as  part of my extended family…

With that in mind Louise… May I congratulate you on your marriage to Marc and I wish you both every happiness for the future.

Wrap Up

I've Just a few cards to read out ……..

I've nearly done and I'm sure you're all relieved ….

However there's just one telegram to read out…

‘Dear Lou.. We could have been so good together…If he ever goes of the boil.. let me know. All my love. Brad Pitt’.

And Finally

Marc some last Minute words of advice..

Whenever you're wrong – Admit It

Whenever you're right – SHUT UP.

Ladies and Gentlemen Please charge your glasses & be upstanding for the Bride & Groom.

Ladies & Gentlemen The Bride & Groom