Speech by Bill Ross

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bill Ross
Speech Date: sep 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, On behalf of Rebekah and Jason I would like to thank you all for coming and I think you will all agree that it has been a wonderful and very cultural day, what with the string quartet, the readings by Rachel, Wayne and Paul and of course Emma's lovely rendition, but now here's my chance to lower the tone a bit.

Just to introduce myself to those who don't know me. I am not David Brent from the TV series The Office, my name is Bill, and Jay has given me the great honour of being his best man.

Jay has begged me not to swear during this speech, but as my Doctor
diagnosed me with tourettes only last week I might find this
ffffffffffffffff….… fairly difficult.

Before I start my character assassination of Jay. I would like to thank
Rebekah's mother Sylvia, Rachel and The Ushers, that's Paul, Simon and Paul for helping me with all my duties. I couldn't have coped without you!!!
And a very, very special thanks to our beautiful little flower girl Maddy
who did a wonderful job today. And talking of beautiful girls, Rebekah you look absolutely stunning in that dress. I bet Jay can't wait to get you back to the room to try it on, not the dress that is, not that there is anything wrong with cross-dressing once in a while, is there Jay??

Jay and I first met when we were about eight, playing for a junior football team, well to be honest I think we stuck him in goal, toe punted the ball at him for a while and then nicked his coat when we got bored, but before you all feel sorry for him he did deserve it, he does support Chelsea!!!
Although, as time went on and I got to know Jay better I found out that not all Chelsea fans are mindless morons.

It was in secondary school that we became best mates, in fact some people
used to say we were inseparable, but I made sure we were, due to the awful double dates he used to try to get me to go on with him in our early teens!!
Jay was a model son to his parents throughout those teenage years. I can't remember him staying out too late once, but that was mainly due to the fact that his father "Papa Joe" insisted that I got him back home safely and no later than 10 o'clock. The fact that I then had a twenty-minute walk home in the dark, on my own didn't seem to bother you did it Joe?

As we grew older drinking Coke at school discos was soon replaced with.…
.. drinking alcohol at nightclubs. Many nights on the town with Stinky,
Simon and Shep followed. I remember all the good times we had, the
drinking, the laughing, the women, the laughing at my women!!! But the best memories I have of Jay during that time are of his dance moves. Now to say Jay is an inspiration to all men on the dance floor would be an injustice, as well as a bloody big lie!! But he was an inspiration to us. We formed a dance quintet called "The Red Sparrows!" due to his amazing talent. We even named his drunk dancing alto ego "Krazy Legs!!" and I hope that he will put a performance sometime later tonight for all those who have not witnessed this amazing man in action. Jay's dancing ability did get him a lot of attention from the fairer sex, but his chat up lines left a lot to be desired. "If you was a burger you would be McGorgeous" was one, and "Have you heard about the size of my cock!" (Sorry tourettes) was another, with lines like that it's no wonder he left nightclubs empty handed most nights.
Incidentally if anyone is interested in seeing a picture or video of Jay's private parts then please see me later at the bar! You would soon see that we don't call him "Jake the Snake" for nothing!!!

As I stand here before you I start to wonder if I actually do make a good
best man and I also start to think what could be the worst thing I could
have done today.

Paul McKinley please stand up!!!!!

Ladies and gentlemen let me introduce our friend Paul, also known as Stinky, although I couldn't possibly tell you why. Now our friends Cathy and Simon, give us a wave you two, decided to hold their wedding abroad in sunny Florida. The wedding venue was a few miles down the freeway from the villas everyone was staying. So the plan was to have a convoy to the venue. Cathy and Simon were in separate cars and Stinky was chauffeuring the best man.
The problems started when Stinky kind of lost which cars he was following, and the best man had not been paying attention due to the fact he was reading over his speech one last time. Unfortunately after much driving round Florida and even a few phone calls it became clear that they were not going to find the convoy or the venue, and just to add insult to injury the best man had the rings on him, so Cathy and Simon's wedding service went ahead with no rings and no best man.

Paul, who was best man that day?
I would like to thank you for two things today Paul,
Thanks for not offering to give me a lift!

And
Thanks for making Jay miss Cathy and Simon's wedding, no matter what I
have done wrong today, he is in no position to criticize, at least I have
turned up!!!

You can sit down now mate!!!

So then, onto the stag do!!!!

It was a very good turn out, 15 of us in all, but then who was ever going to turn down a weekend in Amsterdam. A special mention here goes to Posh Roger who managed to miss the flight out there, but luckily he had brought his butler along with him who managed to get them booked on a later flight. For those who have never been to Amsterdam, I can only describe the place as very laid back and relaxed. We went on the funniest boat trip around the canals, in fact I don't think Jay and I had ever laughed so much in our lives, there must be something in the water over there, or maybe they put it in the cakes! We also had to send out a search party for Papa Joe and Uncle Dave when they got lost, which was no surprise really as I don't think Dave could find his way out his own front door!! and by the end of the weekend everyone was swearing just as much as me, I felt genuinely touched by this. So, thanks to all the lads for making it a superb weekend for Jay and also thank you for having the brilliant idea of picking on the best man instead of the groom, it was very much appreciated!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's nearly time for me to find the nearest exit, but before I do a runner, thank you all for listening. Jay you are my best mate, you have always been there for me, or should that be I have always been there for you!! We all know you are capable of doing silly things, but all your mates are proud of you, your mum and dad are proud of you. You have turned out to be their most sensible son. You didn't go against your father's wishes and get a tattoo like Wayne did or even worse your genitals pierced like Paul. You have done well mate and I know your parents are ecstatic to welcome your beautiful bride into the Maltese mafia. With my track record you know that I'm not really a good person to offer you two any advice, all I can say is just be yourselves, because you make a brilliant couple.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I need a drink, you need a drink and I think they need a drink, so please be upstanding with me and raise your glasses.

To Rebekah and Jason. The bride and groom.