Speech by Billy McMillan

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Billy McMillan
Speech Date: Sep2006
Good afternoon Ladies and gentlemen. It's my privilege and pleasure this afternoon to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids. On their behalf i'd like to thank Craig for his kind words. I can only agree that they look tremendous today and performed their tasks so gracefully. I'd also like to take this opportunity to make a sincere and heartfelt apology on Craig's behalf for those of you sitting opposite him while he was eating his dinner. He's like a pig at a trough and I hope his atrocious table manners didn't put anybody off what was a lovely meal. And thanks to Craig and Paula for feeding us today.

Some of you already know me but for those of you who don't, I'm Billy and if you haven't guessed by now I'm Craig's best man. Actually, for those of you who haven't guessed by now I would suggest being a wee bit slower with the bevvy otherwise it's going to be a long day. In fact, on that note, a few weeks ago Mr Andy Robb kindly loaned me a book containing the best man's guidelines and duties, one of them being that it's my job to escort anyone displaying drunken and disorderly behaviour away from the reception. So be warned. That rule does not apply to myself of course, and being a gentleman I'll probably turn a blind eye to Craig's mum when she kicks off later on.

Naturally I've been nervous for weeks about this speech and let me tell you, ladies and gentlemen, that this isn't the first time today I've stood up from my seat clutching a handful of white paper.

I have to say, probably along with most of you, I'm just glad this didn't turn out to be one big April Fool's Day prank,
in fact most people don't actually know this but the wedding was originally booked for last Saturday, until Craig found out that was the night the clocks went forward and he'd have an hour less in bed on his wedding night. That wasn't the only misunderstanding though. When Craig went to the chaps at Slaters to order our wedding ourfits he asked for something in the style of Versace…obviously he was misheard and the man thought he said Liberace!

It was an absolute privilege to be asked by Craig and Paula to do this today. It's the most special day in their lives apart from the birth of their daughter Emma, of course, and to be invited to play such a large part in it is a real honour.

I've known Craig for going on 30 years now, and along with some of the other guys here from Forth, I've got the nursery school photo to prove it. I didn't bring it with me, Craig looks funny but the paisley pattern bowtie and orange knitwear my mum made me wear is totally unacceptable even by 70s standards. So, we've known each other for a long time and our lives have taken similar paths, both born in Lanark in 1972 to Scottish parents by the way for those of you he's tried to con into thinking he's English, but more of that later, brought up in the Forth and now both living back in Lanark. As I said,we've known each other for about 30 years but it wasn't really until we went to Carluke High School that we really started to become the firm friends sitting at this table.

In fact, ladies and gentlemen, it was 20 years ago this month that saw the real beginnings of our long friendship. I am in a unique position where I can actually recall an incident that happened exactly 20 years ago this very day on a school holiday to Germany which I'm sure Eck Muir and Stephen Steele over there will also recall. We were living in a small spa town near Frankfurt and one morning it was decided we would walk to the local baths. We were told beforehand by the teachers that this being a spa town there was a naturalist element involoved in these baths so swimming costumes were purely optional, and it was our choice if we wanted to bring them or not. It was about halfway along the roughly three mile walk to the pool that our teachers gathered us together to remind us what the date was, 1st of April, April Fool's Day, and anyone who hadn't brought their costume should run back and get it. ..you've probably guessed it already, we couldn't see our red-faced hero here for dust.

This wasn't the last foreign journey together with Carluke High school as 3 years later we shared a hotel room in rural Austria. I was 17 by this time, Craig 16, and allowed to go down to the local pub for some sensible drinking. Of course neither of us being sensible we decided that we should have a sort of Forth v Carluke drinking contest, which Forth, i.e. me and Craig, won by the way. The group's return to the hotel could only be described as carnage with schoolkids running about mental, throwing up all over the hotel and crying for their mums, but not us. We were made of sterner stuff and safely back in our room, and if you can ignore the homoerotic Brokeback Mountain picture here, both in our underpants, him on his hands and knees throwing up into the pan and myself really just hovering about the room, in my pants. It was at this moment two teachers decided to come in and check up on us. Being the brightest of the duo, on seeing them I ran past them, jumped on the bed and pretended to snore. But Craig, did better than that, he jumped up, plonked himself on the pan, pants still on, and delivered the immortal line which I'll never forget …“Ah'm no bein’ seek, ah'm dain’ a shite”.

There was to be no more foreign travel for Craig and I, unless you count the 1st stag night in Edinburgh four weeks ago. But, what happens on tour stays on tour, and I'll leave it to your collective imaginations as to what went on, ladies and gentlemen.

When people found out I'd got this job they all though it would be an easy task, after all there's so many stories to tell about Craig, surely the hardest thing would be was to narrow them down. Absolutely correct, unfortunatley most of those stories are totally inappropriate for this audience so trying to remember some suitable ones was an almost impossible task, so impossible in fact that even the ones I did tell contained stories of drunkenness, nudity, bodily functions and a dozen strippers – ok, maybe I left the strippers out but I did say I wouldn't mention Edinburgh.

So if that was the hardest task in the speech the easiest one is surely mentioning the fact that Paula looks absolutely stunning today and I'm sure you all agree. Craig just looks stunned.

On a personal note I'd like to thank everyone who helped settle my nerves today, Andy, Kenny, Ally were great this morning. Thanks also to Haggerty Potter, Andy, Chris, Kenny Wallace, Kenny McLellan and Mark who helped make Craig's stag night in Edinburgh so memorable and also the larger group who attended the 2nd leg in Lanark. My special gratitude goes to my girlfriend Christina who listened to countless drafts of this speech and helped me fine tune it to the award-winning specimen I am now reading to you.

Earlier I made reference to Craig's claim to Englishness and in all serious there is a very good reason why that's the case. It's all down to his mentor, his father figure, his hero…his grandad George Bentham who is sitting with us up here at the top table and I know Craig feels utterly honoured to have him by his side today.

And let's not forget the main reason why we're here. Craig and Paula got married. Anyone who knows them can see how well they get on and how natural they are together. . This wasn't always the case though as understandably Paula had a lot of adjusting to do at the beginning of their relationship. For example, when Craig told her that black underwear turned him on, she didn't wash his Y-fronts for a month. But they do have a lot in common, for one thing they've both recently changed their names to Bentham. But seriously, sometimes I can't believe Craig's transition from the overgrown teenager of a few years ago to the happy, settled, family man that he is today. And that's largely down to the two women in his life, Paula and Emma. Many a guy can be envious that Craig has everything a man could ever want – a nice house, a beautiful daughter, a lovely wife, Sky Plus and a job that finishes at noon.

So let me conclude this nonsense so you can all get on with the serious business of dancing and the fine tradition of buying the best man a Jack Daniel's and Coke, with ice. Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, it gives me immense please not to say relief, to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the new Mr &amp Mrs Bentham. To the bride and groom.