Speech by Billy Schofield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Billy Schofield
Speech Date: May 2001
(1) Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, I am the Best Man and for those who don't know me, my name is Billy, Stephen's older brother.
(2) First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to thank Stephen for his kind words and I think everybody would agree that both the bridesmaids, Yvonne and Mharia, look gorgeous and have done a great job in making today a very special event.
(3) I think we all agree that Yvonne looks like one in a million today, and that Stephen looks like he was won in a raffle.
(4) I am quite glad that the bride and groom got to the church on time, as they are not always known for their timekeeping. In my role as best man I tried to ensure Stephen got a good night's sleep, so we had a few pints last night after which he slept like a baby – he kept waking up every half hour crying and asking for his mum.
(5) You may wonder why Stephen decided to pick me as his best man. Stephen has a large number of friends and three brothers, so why ask his older brother who lives in another country and he only sees a handful of times a year? The answer is revenge. At the tender age of 19, Stephen acted as my best man, and this is my pay back for that day. However Stephen, you are getting at the wrong person, as Mum MADE me pick you as my best man.
(6) I'm now going to give you a history of Stephen's life and then we'll get onto the juicy stories about him.
(7) Stephen was born, went to school, became a baker, met Yvonne and got married – right onto those stories.
(8) Having known Stephen for all his life I have a huge large library of stories to tell you that will leave him embarrassed and humiliated, but out of respect for him on his big day I have decided NOT to tell them.
(9) So I'm not going to tell you about the time he came to the attention of the police at Goodistown park, nor about the time he left me comatose and tied to a lamp post while acting as my best man. I certainly won't tell you the story about the fish supper because that's just far too disgusting.
(10) For those who know Stephen you will know he has three great loves in life aside from Yvonne, Celtic Football Club, a newly found interest in computing or more specifically play station and pies.
(11) Pies, this delicacy, is part of Stephen's stable diet to this day. These if prepared by Stephen can either be a very very dark brown colour, or black, the choice is yours.
(12) It was while studying at Glasgow food tech that Stephen became more educated in what cooking was. He discovered that a balanced diet consisted of having a pie every day.
(13) Things have improved though, as Yvonne has already trained him well. Stephen now knows where the kitchen is, and with detailed step-by-step instructions supposedly cooks an excellent beans on toast, and can separate eggs by putting them in opposite corners of the room.
(14) Yvonne and Stephen have now arrived at a good compromise, Yvonne cooks and Stephen washes up. Please note thought that the only item on their wedding list is a dishwasher. (Electric or £3.60 an hour, either will do.)
(15) And now onto Yvonne. There are five words that describe Yvonne perfectly – beautiful, charming, delightful, enchanting and vodka and coke.
(16) Stephen you have pulled a blinder in marrying Yvonne. You have found someone who is beautiful, charming, funny, loving and caring and a match for you any day of the week. Yvonne you've found, well Stephen.
(17) And now for a few words of advise to both bride and groom. Yvonne, Men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with. On the other hand Stephen, women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.
(18) Before I finish I would like to ask Yvonne and Stephen to Participate in the speech now. Yvonne if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table . . . Stephen, it's now your turn. Place your hand directly on top of Yvonne's . . . I hope that you are enjoying that Stephen as it is the last time that you will have the upper hand.
(19) And now to the cards:
(20) On a sincere note I would like to thank Stephen for asking me to be his best man, and Yvonne for letting Stephen ask me. It has been an honour .
(21) On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for sharing in this unique and special day, particularly those who have traveled long distances. I know that I will never forget it.

(22) I would like you all now to stand join me in a couple of toasts.
Firstly, to Yvonne's parents Brian and Jean, who have hosted this special day.
Brian AND Jean
To Stephen and I's mum, Agnes, and the memory of our Father Billy.
Agnes.
And now to the happy couple, may you share many love filled years together.
The new MR AND MRS Schofield.