Speech by Black Findlay

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Black Findlay
Speech Date: Jul 2002
The Hotel management have asked me to ask you not to stand on the tables or
chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech.

Like most people asked to be Best Man I am a little nervous about giving
this speech. So much so this is the 23rd time today I have got up from a
warm seat with some sheets of paper in my hand. Having said that I don't
think I was as anxious as Kev as I followed him into the toilet earlier and
found this (produce brick)

Now, I asked around for an idea of how long the my speech should last and
the general response was about as long as it takes the Groom to make love.

So with that in mind, thank you, you have been a wonderful audience (sit)
(get back up)

I think an introduction is worthwhile (pause) …for those of you who do not
yet know me my name is Findlaywhatwouldyouliketodrink. I hope as many of
you will come and say hello at the bar later – but I do insist you use my
full name.

At this point I would like to thank Kevin on behalf of Lynn and Laura for
his kinds words. I would also like to add my own appreciation. I think
you'll all agree they both look lovely today in their dresses and I know
Paula wants me to thank them for the help they have provided – not only
today but n the weeks and months leading up to the wedding.

I would like to propose a toast. Ladies and gentlemen, the Bridesmaids.

Now – I'm sure a number of the guys here today have been a best man at a
wedding before (pause) but I wonder how many of you have ever received
written guidelines from the bride to be?!!!!

I would like to read you an e-mail that Paula sent me prior to the
wedding…(produce email)

Findlaywouldyoulikeanotherdrink… (Remember that is my name)

I was very pleased when Kevin asked you to be best man at our wedding. I
instantly knew he had made the right decision. I have both known you for
some time now and I cannot think of anybody more charismatic, intelligent,
better looking or downright sexy than you to fulfill this crucial role on
our big day.

As we get close to the wedding day, most tasks have been taken care of but
there are two areas that do cause me a little concern………….Your
speech and your conduct.

I appreciate that as best man you are required to write a speech that pokes
a certain amount of fun at Kevin, with stories and jokes about his past
exploits, but I do want you to remember that this is our wedding day and I
don't want something that you might say or do to spoil it.

With this in mind, please take note of the following and I'm sure we'll all
have a wonderful day:

DO NOT get drunk
DO NOT use bad language
DO NOT tell dirty jokes
DO NOT sing
DO NOT let Kevin sing
DO NOT mention Kevin's little problem
DO NOT let Kevin drink tequila
DO NOT let Kevin drink whisky
DO NOT let Kevin drink

Finally,

Make sure you keep your clothes on and
Make sure Kevin keeps his clothes on

Love

Paula x

Paula Brown
The Bride
26 XXXXXX XXXXX

tel: 00 (0) 141 XXX XXXX
mob: 00 (0) 797 XXX XXXX

Now while I cannot promise to keep to each these demands, I have tried to
take the responsibility of best man very seriously indeed. I would like to
share with you some of my duties I have been involved with…

One of my first tasks was to help get Kevin fitted for a kilt. We had
arranged to meet up at the Kilt hire shop and I was running a little late so
when I arrived Kev had already chosen a kilt., "What's the tartan" I asked
to which Kev answered "Oh, I'm pretty sure Paula will be wearing a dress"

Another of my duties was the potentially delicate duty of keeping Kev's
ex-girlfriends out of the way today. Thankfully this has been made a lot
easier for two reasons

1 there aren't that many frankly
2 since the foot and mouth outbreaks last year, those exes that have not
been culled are restricted by the quarantine laws in force.

(Pause)

Finally, it was my job to ensure Kevin made it to the church fit and proper,
on time and sober. As you can see this was achieved. To make sure this was
the case, Kevin stayed with me last night and I can assure you Kevin was in
bed early and he slept like a baby (Pause) that is he wet the bed twice and
woke every hour crying for his mummy.

During my research into weddings in general I looked into what are known as
‘The 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony’ which are summarised as
follows:

* The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
* The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
* The Hymn – the song we all sing to celebrate the marriage.

Well I can only assume Paula has read the same book, because as she stood
before the Minister I could hear her whisper "Aisle-Altar-Hymn,
Aisle-Altar-Hymn".

I think it is now time to give you all a run down on the chap who has tied
the knot today. A kind of ‘This is your life’ Kevin.

Kevin was born on the 1 April 1968 and was about the size of a small baby.
How times change!

This was obviously April fools day and for what has followed there can
surely be no more appropriate entrance than that.

It's a little known fact that Kevin was nearly called Thursday. When he was
born and presented to his father, Robert looked at him and said to Susan "I
think we'd better call it a day!"

I'm afraid to say I don't think he was the bonniest baby, because Susan's
morning sickness didn't start until after Kevin was born!

On to school now…

I didn't know Kevin during his school years, but I'm reliably informed that
he was not like the other 5 year olds when started school – he was ELEVEN.

I managed to unearth an old report card which read ‘Kevin is an ideal pupil
who excelled in most subjects. However, On closer inspection it is clear
the card has been doctored from its original state when it read

‘Kevin is a idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects

It may surprise you to know that Kev was very sporty at school. His report
card says he used to run the tuck shop. That is maybe a little unfair –
Kevin now has the body of an athlete (pause) I believe he keeps it in a tank
of formaldehyde in his spare bedroom.

It was at this early age that Kev began his love affair with hair dye and he
has experimented through the years. Here we see him trying out some Ginger
dye

(Produce school photo)

Today it is clear he has chosen an unusual shade of grey.

As a lad growing up, Kev became, as we all do, very interested in playing
and watching football, He often played football in the street and parks with
his friends. Unfortunately he was then, as he is now, hopeless in every
position. I suppose we should hope that Paula has better luck!

When he plays five a side now his pace is deceptive – he is actually slower
than he looks! His lack of pace and ability results in him being a little
aggressive in his game – he has been likened to the Tasmanian Devil)

As far as choosing a team to follow follow Kevin started to support what he
claims is the best team in Glasgow and Scotland….Rangers Football Club.
(Pause) If you don't believe me, I present Exhibit A your honour. (Produce
photo in Rangers top)

When Kevin left school he took a joinery apprenticeship. He worked (I use
that term loosely) for XX District Council then travelled the country
shopfitting but he now works for his brother-in-law John. I asked if John
would would like to comment on Kev the employee. John was quick to tell me
Kev is known as ‘God’ at work. Knowing Kevin as I do, this surprised me
until he explained the nickname arises bcause

* you never see him
* he makes his own rules
* if he does any work, it's a bloody miracle

Like many young men still living at home, Kev caused his mum and dad some
anxious times. In particular he would finish his dinner and sprint up
Carlisle Road night after night. They feared the worst as Kev returned with
slevvers over his face and a glassy eyed look – had their youngest been
taking by drink or drugs?
It soon became clear though that it was just Kev's legendary craving for
chocolate. He was paying his nightly visit to the local Jet garage who had
an awesome array of chocolate and sweeties. Thereafter this stash of nightly
goodies became known as the Jetpack (produce and wear Jetpack). So Kev
here's one I prepared in case the munchies strike later.

Today is one of the few occasions you will see Kevin smartly turned out.
The fashion disasters are too many to recall but to give you an idea this
photograph shows Kev ready to go for a quiet pint in his local.

(Produce a photo of Kev in Wizard gear)

Baseball caps became quite fashionable but Kev never quite got the hand of
it!

(Produce a photo of Kev in stupid hat)

There was a group of us who went through our twenties together having a
laugh and a few drinks and a dance. Kev was good at the drinking – his
catchphrase being ‘WHOSE ROUND IS IT’ or ‘GET TO THE BAR’ but rarely has
anyone hit the dancefloor with such little regard for style or rhythm. He
has been likened to this famous character – Foghorn Leghorn. He doesn't so
much dance as jog. Indeed it has been estimated that during a 12" remix he
can cover upwards of 3 1/2 miles. (Pause)

The script was similar for each of us. . Even just having a girlfriend
seemed to bring unnecessary grief. We'd meet a girl who seemed alright.
We'd go out with them for about 5 months or so and then the nagging would
start….."I want to know your name….I want to know your name.

Then came that fateful night in Reds. Paula is said to have remarked that
she thought Kevin was "handsome from afar", however earlier today she told
me that she had actually said Kevin was "far from handsome".

Things moved along nicely between them, everyone had their fingers crossed
for the happy couple. Then in the Peking Cottage in XX Kevin bent down to
tie his shoelace, Paula jumped to conclusions and…here we are today.

It has to be said that Kevin is not always the most romantic of characters.
This is illustrated by the fact that his suggestion for the first dance
tonight was

"Stuck in the Middle with you". You are a lucky lucky girl Paula!!

I have to say Kevin, you have married a beautiful, intelligent, talented and
exceptional woman.

I have to say, Paula, you have married Kevin!

I would now like to read a few telegrams – I just hope no one has used
joined up writing!!…

(Read 5 genuine then spoof)

* To a loyal and valued customer, our very best wishes to you and your
bride. Will you be renewing your subscription? Big & Bouncy magazine.

* Kev! I'll miss those nights getting to know each other around my
pool. All the best, Michael Barrymore.

Obviously my toasts are going to focus on the most important people here
today. The people we all feel a great love for and without whom today
wouldn't be possible

At some stage in the evening I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our
thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes so I
would like to propose a toast to

"The bar staff"

Now the real version. I would like to thank Kev for asking me to be his
best man. It has been a pleasure helping Kev and Paula prepare for today.

For all the banter that has passed between it should be fairly obvious that
Kev and I are the best of mates.

I am going to finish now by asking you to join me in wishing The new Mr &
Mrs Law, Kevin and Paula many years of happiness.

Ladies and gentlemen Kevin and Paula, the Bride and Groom

That's it. I am sure you will be as glad as me that there is no more.