Speech by Bob Harris

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bob Harris
Speech Date: oct 2003

Introduce

Bob – The Father of the Bride

The Groom – That King of Comedy, the master of mirth.…

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen

I'm sure you all agree that this has been a brilliant wedding so far, but
every silver-lining has a cloud, and I'm afraid I'm it!!

and for those of you who
don't know me, and especially for those who I meet in the bar later, my name
is "BXXXX do-you-want-a-pint"..…

I didn't think I was nervous but this isn't the first time I've stood up from
a warm seat today with a bit of paper in my hand.

Also Gxxx, I hope you appreciate
what a lucky man you are. Yeh, Pxxx's a great girl, she's intelligent,
charming, beautiful, fun to be around and you Pxxxx.
WELL . You've got Gxxx!

I must say Pxxxx how fantastic you look today – a stunning dress –
aren't you glad that you didn't convince you're Mum that
white combat pants would be OK

When Gxxx asked me to be his best man I was initially thrilled at
the prospect. It didn't take long for the panic to set in though as I remembered

the last time I had to stand up in front of a room full of people.
I was found guilty and fined £200…

So I hope you will be a little bit more forgiving and lenient than the last
lot were.

Actually, being the best man is a big responsibility, and one that I have
not taken lightly. I conducted a lot of research to make sure that I wouldn't
forget anything, and came up with a checklist of what my basic duties
should be.

Duty 1 Arrange the Stag Night
We had a great time in Berlin and I managed to keep Gxxx out of trouble
– which is more than can be said for other party goers eh Mxxxxxx ?
– doing your bit for Anglo – German relations – only a beer monster like you
could end up with a bird called Stella –
if only her surname had have been Malboro Lights…

Duty 2 On the wedding day, bring a credit card and loads of cash in case
there is anything the groom may have forgotten to pay for.
That was easy, ever since I have known Gxxx,
I've been doing that

Duty 3 Help the groom dress himself.
It took a while, but I did eventually manage to persuade Gxxx that
This was a posh do and there was a strict no jeans and trainers door policy here
today

Duty 4 It is my responsibility to make sure Gxxx's face and hair are in order.
That was a bit unfair really,
if God couldn't do it the first time round what chance did I have?

The rules also stated that I should sing the praises of the groom and tell
you all about his good points. So what can I say about him.

He's Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Er..Er…
Sorry Gxxx, what's that say, I can't read your writing.

Good in bed

Oh, yeah, yeah – good in bed – sorry mate.

To say Gxxx was naive when I first met him is an understatement –
Coming from a small village to a city like London
there was a lot for him to take in – it was a big place –
it's got it's fair share of unsavoury characters (luckily they're all related to
Mxxxxx),
I quickly realised that he needed a bit of help and looking after –
so I put a protective arm around him and cleared one or two things up for him

Aston Villa I explained, was not a small resort just outside of Torquay

Being in a big city I said, meant that he didn't have to marry his cousin after
all

And no Gxxx, those boys at the bar in leather caps offering you a drink are not
just being friendly

But it was football that first really brought us together. I took him to his
first United game..like a proud father…although when he phoned me to say that
he was on his way round to some guy's house in the rough end of town with £500
in cash to buy a season ticket – I naturally feared the worst.

But luckily, it wasn't a City season ticket he bought and so started our great
European Adventure – whilst the rest of us went for the beer and football Gxxx
was getting to know the locals…
Got to hand it to him though – He soon realised that the
policeman's truncheon was always going to be thicker than his head

(Hey, who's that heckling at the back – And that's saying something)

For as long as I've known him, Gxxx's had a tendency to exaggerate things –
he's ridden twenty foot waves when surfing at home,
gone to Texas and eaten the biggest steak ever seen
and the less said about the size of his tackle the better –
probably as small as that policeman's truncheon in Milan…

In fact, not long after Gxxx and Pxxxx got together he confided in me –
claiming that he was the best lover Pxxxx ever had –
so Pxxxx, how is the asthma these days ?

But whilst the football was taking over one part of his life,
something else was quietly sneaking up on the inside lane.
Without realising it Gxxx was beginning to become one of a pair –
leaf kicking in the park, staying in and cooking,
romantic weekends away WHILST United were at home !!!

The major change in Gxxx came about when he moved here with Pxxxx.
He took to this new life living amongst the luvvies of Wimbledon with gusto.

Always a lager drinker, Gxxx suddenly found wine – Lambrusco – but I suppose its
a start.

His fondness of clothes became a frantic search for the latest fashions -G
xxx, I don't care if David Beckham had one but the G.A.Y. Club was definitely
the one place you didn't want to wear that Sarong

We realised we'd finally lost him to London life when the next time we saw him
he'd done what every Wimbledon mother does – bought a jeep

But all the while Gxxx & Pxxxx were loving and growing together.
An old romantic at heart Gxxx took the plunge and proposed in Venice
And being a solicitor, Pxxxx asked for an Adjournment to consider her
position…

But she was guilty as charged and so we're here today…

Now, there's lots of advice around Gxxx for a young man embarking on married
life –
but the you're not young anymore – the only person I know to be born with grey
hair…

Not being married myself…I asked around our friends for some good advice to
pass on…
then I realised that they're all divorced.

So I asked an old school friend of mine instead…he said :

Its important to get on with your mother in law.
I didn't speak to mine for two years.
Not because I didn't like her, I just didn't want to interrupt

Never go to bed on an argument. STAY UP & FIGHT

And Gxxx, always remember those three important words. YOUR RIGHT PXXXX

So Gxxx & Pxxxx you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is
quite appropriate as Gxxx couldn't have done any better and Pxxxx couldn't
possibly have done any worse.

Cards.…

Best Wishes
Don't forget that marriage is a 50/50 partnership
Anyone who believes that knows little about women or fractions

A card here Gxxx from your old 5-A-Side team at the Bank
– Pxxxx, we found Gxxx to be USELESS in every position,
Hope you have better luck..

And finally, Ladies and Gentlemen, it's an honour for me to ask you
to join me in a toast to the bride and groom.

Gxxx. Pxxxx.. May your love be modern enough to survive the times,. and old
fashioned enough to last forever…

To the new MR and MRS Pxxxxx..to Gxxx and Pxxxx.