Speech by Bob McKenzie

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bob McKenzie
Speech Date: oct 2003
Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Bob Wouldyoulikeadrink and
if you call out my full name in the bar later on when you see me, I'd be
extremely grateful.

I won't be up here too long on account of my throat – Kath has threatened to
cut it so I won't ramble on too long.

Firstly, on behalf of the Bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Neil for his kind
words. I think everybody will agree that the bridesmaids look absolutely
gorgeous and Kath, can I just say you look absolutely stunning!

And Neil, well, you just look absolutely stunned!

It's also very nice to see Mrs Crompton and Mrs Wall here on what has been a
particularly emotional day. So much so that even the cake is in tiers!

I would like to thank everyone for coming today, especially those who have
travelled long distances. I know it means a lot to Neil and Kath to have you
all here.

When Neil asked me to be Best Man I was terrified- and I can assure you that
this isn't the first time today that I have stood up from a warm seat with a
piece of paper in my hand!

I have to say, I was surprised by the amount of responsibility required of
me. A book I bought on the subject said that it was my job to make sure the
Groom's face and hair are in order – I thought ‘If God couldn't do it for
Neil first time round, what chance have I got?’

I have also had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, sober and smart
and that wasn't easy. After all look what I have had to work with, I'm the
best man – not a magician!

Actually Neil hasn't scrubbed up too badly has he?

Now to the point where I completely slander Neil's character, which is
traditional on such occasions.

So what can I say about him.
He's Handsome
Witty
Intelligent
Charming
Er..Er…
Sorry Neil, what's that say, I can't read your writing.

Neil was a fun loving and happy child, always smiling mischievously, getting
most fun from taking the tyres off toy cars. How little did he know that
many years later he would again be trying to remove a tyre, that being the
one around his waist so he can fit into his wedding suit.

I didn't have the pleasure of knowing Neil during his school days but I have
been reliably informed that he was an ideal student and excelled in all of
his subjects

SORRY I MEANT TO SAY:
"HE WAS AN IDLE PUPIL, WHO WAS EXPELLED FROM MOST OF HIS SUBJECTS"!!!!!
Now I'm not just going to stand here and make cheap jibes at Neils’ expense.
Let's face it, life is too short…..and so is Neil.
In fact upon leaving school Neil's first job was as a lumberjack in a Bansai
orchard.
I once had a long chat to Kath and she told me she wanted a husband who was
loyal, loving and someone she could look up to. Well.. 2 out of 3 isn't bad
is it?
According to Kath, Neil has no sense of time whatsoever. He can't figure out
how long things will take and so it must've been a great relief for her that
he actually turned up on time today.

I know it's traditional for the Best Man to wax lyrical about the number of
ex-girlfriends the Groom has had. But I don't want to get into all that – it
‘s frankly vulgar and offensive to the Bride. But, suffice to say Neil, 72
turned out to be your lucky number.

It's also great to see Neil letting his hair down today. Especially as over
the past few years it's his hair that's been letting him down. He'll be
pleased to hear that there is now a new treatment for balding men on the
market. It doesn't grow hair, it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have
left. Which is an extremely good opportunity to kill two birds with one
stone where Neil is concerned.

Now a lot of you may never have heard of the Dinner Club. It's an
organization that offers opportunities to meet nice people at lunches and
Dinner Dances throughout the country. I happened to be a member of the
Dinner Club and I invited Neil to join some years ago. Being a mischievous
Devil, Neil asked me to print out some business cards on my computer with
the intention of raising a smile from the Ladies. These cards had the
Title – MALE ESCORT AGENCY on the front and the Managing Director was Neil
Ferguson.

When Neil met Kath for the first time they both got on with each other so
well that by the end of the evening, he asked to see her again, and proudly
presented her with his business card.

Little did he know that this happy day may never have happened because when
Kath was driving home that night she was thinking.Do I really want to know a
man with such a dodgy job!

Time passed by and then Neil took Kath to Paris with the intention of
proposing at the top of the Eiffel Tower but it didn't quite work out the
way he planned. He only managed to climb the first stage and was so
knackered that he had to pop the question from there!

Fortunately, Kath accepted and in marrying her, Neil has now got an extended
family but it has to be said that when Adam first met him he wasn't too
impressed. He thought that Neil was very rude because he didn't stand up
when he met him.Then, after ten minutes or so he realized that he was
standing up!

The Stag Trip was a day to remember. We were for ever getting lost and
losing touch with one another but, despite all this, Neil remained compus
mentus for most of the time. Others were not so fortunate. Peter Balogh fell
head first into his dinner when he fell asleep, Phil thought he'd lost his
wallet and cancelled all his Credit cards only to find it on top of his
Television and Dominic couldn't find his way back to the Hotel but didn't
realise how close he was to making it. In desperation he got into a taxi,
paid 10 Euros to the driver who drove him 75 feet round a corner to the
Hotel!

On a more serious note, it really is an honour to be Neil's best man because
to me Neil is one of the best men I know. He is a great guy and through the
years I've known him he's been like a brother to me. A truer friend a man
could not have. There is genuinely nothing I wouldn't do for him and I know
equally there is nothing he wouldn't do for me..In fact we spend our whole
lives doing absolutely nothing for each other.

And now I've a few Telegrams and cards to read out ..

To Kath – From the Bromborough Cricket Club 1st Eleven

Neil has been useless in whatever position we have tried him. We hope for
your sake that you have more success with him.

My Darling Kathy, we could have been so good together, call me if he goes
off the boil, love Robbie Williams

And finally, from the manager of the Central Hotel in Dublin.
"We hope you both have a great day and that you only get married once. We
couldn't take another stag trip"

One thing I have been told is that you don't marry someone you can live
with, you marry someone you can't live without.

Neil and Kath, May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old
fashioned enough to last forever.

Ladies and gentleman would you please be upstanding.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Please raise your glasses for the new Mr & Mrs
Ferguson ———————- The Bride and Groom.