Speech by Bob

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bob
Speech Date: Sep2006
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury.…

Oops, I seem to have picked up one of Susan's speeches. Must have happened when I was rummaging through her briefs.

Never mind, I may as well carry on.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I am here today to defend, what many would claim is the INDEFENSIBLE. To speak well of a man whose record is almost as long as his nose.

D…n H…l has been charged that over the past 7 years or so, he did commit multiple felonies.

The crimes laid before the court are the deliberate SEDUCTION, ABDUCTION, AND CORRUPTION of a beautiful and innocent young woman, one SUSAN HUGHES.

These alleged crimes occurred when a chance encounter in a lingerie shop, brought him in contact with this pure country girl. A girl who had no knowledge of the wicked ways of metropolitan life. He tempted her with stories of the bright lights of London and enticed her with offers of comfort and luxury. The truth, the prosecution claim, is that he used his dubious charms to lure her to the big city. Where he provided lodgings for her in a squalid flat owned by a miserly Rachman like landlord in Crouch End. Crouch End the very name conjures up a sordid picture.

He then cajoled and manipulated her to get out of lingerie and groomed her to start soliciting, in the hope that he could live off of her highly moral earnings long into the future.

These, members of the jury, are serious, indeed heinous charges that carry a heavy sentence.

The case for the defence is not an easy one to make. Having been in chambers with Mr H…l on several occasions, I have experienced his predatory behaviour, as have other witnesses, including Mr B…y T….y and many more.

In recent times Mr H…l has been in and out of gaol on many occasions. He knows the insides of Her Majesty's Prisons as well as any old lag.

What were the offences that brought him to the attention of the courts?

I have here his criminal record. [DROP LONG PIECE OF PAPER] but it makes sad and depressing reading. The following are but a few of the low lights in the life of this low life.

Possession of an In-offensive weapon, more like a snub nose Saturday Night Special, than a decent Magnum with a 12” barrel.

Indecent exposure of an ugly face,

Possession of Unlicensed Chins

Grievous Bodily Odour, on more than one occasion

Flagellation
Bestiality
Necrophilia
… or was he simply Flogging A Dead Horse

So, members of the jury you can see before you, that you have a man with a long and dubious record. What then can be said in his defence?

[LONG PAUSE]

Well Mr H…l claims the attraction was Love or more likely Lust? at first sight. It is easy for all to see the obvious attraction that Miss H….s would have to man with the looks and physical stature of Mr H…l, but we also led to believe this love is reciprocated.

They first met in the small respectable surroundings of Grantham in Lincolnshire, where Mr H….l operated several shops as front for a London firm of property crooks. At this time Susan was running a training seminar, for the staff of Edinburgh Woollen Mills on the benefits of thermal underwear. When H…l heard they were showing big bloomers and long johns he rushed into the room, but on seeing Susan he demanded she attended his office.

For the sake of Susan's blushes I won't recall the story of what followed, suffice to say D…n's visits to Grantham were no longer the chore they had been before, and he became fascinated by Susan's lingerie [beat] lectures.

Shortly after, Susan left the worldly paradise that is Lincolnshire and went to the big city. By now Susan was no longer working in underwear…, that is, I mean to say, she was not employed in the underwear business, I'm not suggesting she isn't in underwear when she works! but who knows!

After the move to London, Miss Hughes started soliciting and Mr H…l stopped working, although he still appears to visit young women in flats all over North London to take money from them. Mr H…l, it seems is now living off the earnings of a large number of women.

However, the case that needs to be considered is:- has there been any element of coercion or did Miss H…s come of her own accord?

The evidence is unclear. At one time she escaped to solicit on broad avenues in New York, but Mr H….l tracked her down and offering innumerable riches tempted her back to London. Video surveillance footage from the airport shows she apparently came back willingly and without duress.

So there now appears to be a picture emerging that it is not Susan who has been held captive. If anything it seems to be D…n who has been captivated.

So what is the bond that binds Susan to this man. Well mainly, it seems that Miss H….s and Mr H…l both share a liking for many of the good things in life, one only has to look at their friends to see how much they enjoy quality as well as quantity.

Has the case for the prosecution shown any evidence that Miss H….s has suffered by her experiences. Probably not. OK it is true that Susan has had many sleepless nights, but was the cause D…n's famed ability to snore louder than Concorde taking off, or was it a somewhat more enjoyable activity.

If for no reason other than romantic ideals of writers like Shakespeare, Byron and Barbara Cartland, you cannot but agree, few people have worked harder to make their relationship succeed than this man. He has allowed Susan to change him, he has become a different person, almost made him a HUMAN.

So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, we come to the point where you have the responsibility to decide. Is Mr H….l a devious, deviant, disgusting individual, with no hope of redemption. Or is he a simple mortal smitten by love. If you find him NOT GUILTY, he will be a free man, free to leave and continue his life of crime and gluttony. If on the other hand, you find him GUILTY, he will be sentenced to LIFE, life in the custody and control of Miss H…..s. She will have complete supervision of his entire being. Controlling his diet, chin count, dress sense and everything else in his life.

It is your decision Guilty or Not Guilty.

Please now open the envelopes in front of you and show your verdict.

[pause for result – all the cards said GUILTY on both sides]

D…n H…l, it is now my duty to pass sentence. You have been found guilty by a jury of your betters. Guilty of a crime greater than has ever come before me. You are hereby sentenced to hard labour for Life in the hands of the H…s Corporation Penitentiary System for Wayward Boys, with no remission and no hope of parole.

Miss H…s – Take Him Down.

Now for the real speech.

The main reason we are here today is to celebrate the marriage of Dogan and Susan. I know I speak for you all when I say we wish them a long, happy and loving future together.

Please raise your glasses and drink a toast to Mr &amp Mrs Halil.

Finally I want to say one last thing, and this may be difficult.

SUSAN VAY DOGAN A OMURBOYU MOTALUKA DELERUM

SUSAN VE DOGAN A OMURBOYU MUTLULUKLAR DILERIM.

I hope I have congratulated you in Turkish, but as I got the words from my local kebab shop owner, I may have said something completely stupid.