Speech by Brad

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brad
Speech Date: 08/09/2014 13:06:34

GOOD EVENING HARROGATE! Firstly, I'd like to thank Ian, and Michael for their speeches. They've been great support acts, and I'm so glad to be headlining a home town gig, in front of a sold out crowd. They said there'd be 60 odd people here, and they were right… about the odd people.… I was rehearsing this speech at the local old peoples home, they thought it was great! At least, they all wet themselves

Before I get on with the roasting & toasting, and cheap jokes, I need to cover the most important things; the compliments & thanks.

–       To both Ian, Lesley, Glenn, Ali & Phil, on behalf of everyone in the room, we thank you for organizing this beautiful day, and for filling our bellies with fodder & laughter. Without your help, I'd be doing this speech at TGI Fridays. Last time I saw Mig open his wallet, the queen blinked. The Shaw family (and variants) have been a 2nd family to me and without Lesley (and my mum) driving us both around to band practice/gigs/or to hang out, we'd have been lost.

–       To Michael, on behalf of the groomsmen (Alex, Andy, Rob, Phil and Bob), we thank you for asking us to play a part in such a special day. The first wedding of our friends. I really am the best of a bad bunch, I was as surprised to hear you'd decided to ask me to be your best man as I am honoured. Very special mention to Rob, who flew in from the USA this morning, and is flying back tomorrow. Quite a moving show of dedication. Alex, sorry there's no high chair for you, all our other friends pre-booked them for their kids.

–       To Abby, you look incredible. This is your big day and you're definitely going to look back on todays photographs and be proud how great you look. As do your bridesmaids Bex, Yvette, Lizzie, Emilie, Sam and Steph. Pretty in pink! I'll see one of you later. Or two.

–       Finally, back to Michael, and on behalf of Bex and all the bridesmaids, thanks for the kind words said about them. Us groomsmen also thank all the bridesmaids for helping us throughout the day.

WHO AM I?

I am Brad. I have known Michael for literally 17 years this week, since we met at school. We sat next to each other on day 1 at school. We've been screamed at by teachers together. We've stood next to each other on stage, in our band with Rob and Ian, and our other band with Andy. We've driven across America together. We're sat (almost) next to each other today. We even slept together last night. So you could say that we've been through lots together in the past, and I will definitely be by his side, in the future.

MY ORDEAL

It was a very stressful and draining 40 minutes preparing & writing this speech this morning. I've never been to a wedding or seen speeches (as an adult) and I've refrained from researching on the internet/youtube too much as I was terrified of plagiarism. Here's the top 3 cliche lines, they're true groaners… ‘the cake is in tiers’, and is going to be ‘cut up’ about it later, or that ‘Michael couldn't decide which Welsh town to take Abby to for the honeymoon, so instead he's just going to Bangor all weekend’.

MIG STORIES

Well, it's time to pull out some stories. I sent some texts to some friends, to ask if they had any funny or embarrassing stories they'd like me to add, but all of them replied “sorry, new phone, who is this?” So we'll have to settle with mine.

–       Two words: Eyebrow piercing. It must have made Mig's eyes water when he had it done & it's making mine water now thinking about how funny it looked. Anyway, I can't really talk with this on my neck.

–       The very first time I can remember getting properly drunk, was at the hand of Michael on a school trip to Barcelona, at about age 14. Alex, Mig and I shared a room, and hid beers above tiles in the hung ceiling. The teachers had no chance, the shop near the hotel had no problem in selling us alcohol. We sort of fell out over a girl (she's not here) then cried and made up, and fell into bed. I awoke to a loud knock at the door. My spinning head fell straight back asleep. Again, a loud knock. I got out of bed, the suitcases were somehow propped up against the door, which was strange. Through the peephole I saw Mig in just his boxers, in the corridor, sleepwalking, knocking on all the doors!

–       He once noticed that I was having a down day at school, so decided to cheer me up. I'm not sure what his intention was, but he shouted my name as he was running past, and intentionally tripped. I laughed, but he didn't. he'd broken his thumb. Two hours later he was back from hospital with a luminous yellow/green cast that he had to leave for weeks.

–       I have a couple of stories about Mig's ability to clear a room with a fart, or his ability to eat a yard of snot, but I'm scared that will cause him to repeat either of these actions – so that's as far as I will go!

So how did today come about, with me stood here, and you sat there, wishing I had finished and politely laughing in the right places?

HOW THEY MET, PROPOSED, KIDS

Michael lived with Bob in an infamous flat on Hyde Park Road in Leeds. He used the window as a bin, and the floor as an ashtray.  As mutual friends, Abby ended up taking Michael, Bob (groomsman) and Steph (bridesmaid) on a drive up to the moors. Mig was probably sat in the back, where Abby couldn't see him in the mirror, otherwise we wouldn't all be here today. They swapped numbers and ended up going out. They spent a lot of time together and after one particularly.. short & stressful evening.. they proudly announced that they were expecting their first child.  What they did next, was incredible. It's like a switch clicked. Mig set his sights on a new job, which he obviously got, as he is a marketing data analyst genius. It's basiaclly spreadsheets. I promised him I wouldn't try make any Microsoft Office jokes, and Mig, you have my Word.… although the Outlook isn't good.… They found a house in Horsforth and made a home together ready for Edie's arrival. Fate showed up again, with another announcement; the arrival of Violet. I don't think I can repeat the two words that Mig said when Abby said she was pregnant again. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and so Mig took Abby to Edinburgh and proposed over a meal in a castle. I wouldn't say Mig'd had too much to drink to pluck up the courage, but Abby told me he had to get up on one knee. They then moved here to Harrogate, where Abby turned herself into a teacher with such determination, that last week she started as Mrs Shaw.

The amount of effort, sacrifice and focus these two have put in to setting up a stable environment for Edie and Violet to grow up in is staggering. Here's my personal congratulations on now being husband and wife.Time to start the next chapter in your lives.

But it's not been all work this year..

STAG & HEN DO

For Michaels stag do, I arranged for us to go to Amsterdam. We had lots of interesting things planned, but once we arrived all our plans went to pot. Joking, somehow, Migand I were asleep in bed by midnight both nights! The receipts in the kitty explained why; 46 pints here, 32 pints there, 7 lapdances between each round, some good going boys. Abby and the girls went to Ibiza. I'm told that to get over the crazy hangovers, they had lots of relaxing afternoons on the beach and in the sea. That explains the crabs a fgew of hem came home with! Special mention to Bex for arranging for all the hens to wear masks of Michael's face – including the blow up doll!. Abby probably struggles to look at one Mig sometimes, let alone 12.

Actually, I'd just like to bring up the fact that during the bit where I was telling some dodgy stories about Mig, Abby thought she was getting away with this… She was updating her Facebook under the table! She's already put her relationship status back to to ‘It's Complicated’. Her Mum has already ‘Liked’ it, and 7 guys have tried to poke her.

ADVICE

I'm not married so can't really be relied upon to give solid advice here, so I'd like to read a short poem by Ogden Nash, who is way cleverer than me..

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the wedding cup,

Whenever you're wrong, admit it;

Whenever you're right, shut up.

Ogden Nash

But I do know that marriage will have its ups and downs and all the people surrounding you right now are here to support you through whatever happens. 

LETTERS

Two invitees couldn't attend, so they've sent emails for me to read out;

Mike from Mike's Carpets, to Abby. ‘Congratulations on your wedding. We're really sorry we haven't been able to fit your new carpet on time, however we promise that you'll get your underfelt tonight.’

 And from the Harrogate Garbler, they wrote “Dear Michael, conrgautlations of your wedding. We are sorry to announce that whilst that your submission for the ‘rear of the year’ competition hasn't been succesfful, we are happy to announce you've won ‘Arse of the month’. 

…well, ladies & gentlemen, that's the end of the speeches, and what a mighty day it's been so far, let's get on with the embarrasing dancing! let me ask those of you who still can to stand up and join me in a toast to the future of the newlyweds 

May health bless your bodies  May wealth pack your pockets  May joy fill your future  May your love last forever.

TO MICHAEL AND ABBY.