Speech by Brandon Sterling

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brandon Sterling
Speech Date: aug2002
Ladies & Gentlemen, unlike most best man speeches that are full of sexual
innuendoes, I promise if there's anything slightly risqué then I'll whip it
out immediately.

I would like to highlight 3 sides of Lyndon's character:

Number 1 – His passion for cars – I think this can be best summed up by him
being the only student in Sheffield to have blown his entire student grant
on a classic red Triumph Spitfire with an open top in the middle of a harsh
Yorkshire winter.

Nora, you've also let yourself in for.

Lyndon the fitness fanatic:-
Nora did the London marathon last year, a great achievement. Lyndon, of
course, was in sympathy and I got the feeling he was a bit guilty about not
running 26 miles dressed up as the fairy godmother or a plum tomato. So he
phoned me up: "Mate, what do you think to my new fitness regime?" He
doesn't mention any exercise but there's a change of diet: home-made McCain
oven chips instead of Captain Cod from around the corner and wok-made
curries instead of Baldwin's Balti Bazaar on the High Street. Much
healthier I humoured him.

Then there's Lyndon the wind-up merchant:-
As a student he once put about 10 empty tin cans together (previously
containing his sacred beans and sausages) to make what can only be described
as a home-made grenade launcher. He aimed it out of our student house's
attic room window and said to me: "Mate, you can't hold this for us?"
Well, I'm hoping he meant the bazooker otherwise Nora maybe in a spot of
bother! Anyway, he's lit the end of it and a potato fired out the other end
with an almighty bang (KERBOOM!) about 100 yards over our back garden, over
the house opposite's back garden and over the house opposite, to which we
heard a pretty unfriendly Yorkshire response: "Stop firing that or we'll
call police", which we'd misheard because it transpires later that he'd said
"We ARE police!". All 5 of us in the house carried on having a whale of a
time with this new toy spud gun, we went to bed in the early hours none the
wiser until there's a knock at the back door at about 4am. One of the lads
Jonny's answered it, had a gun pointed into his ribs and I've had the
assistant Chief Constable of South Yorkshire poking around my room as if I'm
Martin McGuinness! Apparently half of Sheffield City Centre's been cordoned
off and Osama Bin Law over here's Britain's most wanted! And then the next
morning he goes onto local radio to brag about it.

Another example of his wind-up talents is the house speaker system in
Frankfurt, where the lads once stayed. Lyndon discovered an interior volume
control feature whereby the whole street could hear what you said rather
than just the outside visitor. Pedestrians looked rather confused at
hearing a booming German voice say: "Mein luftkissenfahrtzeug ist vole
aalen" – meaning "My hovercraft is full of eels".

Well, I hope I've given a little guide to Nora as to what she's let herself
in for but I'm sure she already knows about his transvestite tendencies
(SHOW PIC). Other stag party members: please feel free to distribute your
copies around the tables. I'm sure we'll be seeing Lyndon at Royal Ascot
next year in this little number.

This was taken on his main stag night and later he was with a gorgeous
blonde but she proved to be a bit of a let down when she got burst with a
fag end – don't worry Nora, she was an inflatable.

As is customary, I should leave Lyndon with hopefully wise words for his
marriage. Since I am a bachelor, I've little experience to speak from but I
hope these help anyway:-

Never go to bed angry.instead, always sit up and argue.
Always remember those 3 little words that are so important in marriage:
"You're right dear"
Lastly, under no circumstances will you swear at your wife.that's if there
are ladies present.

Ladies & gentlemen, please raise your glass and help me wish Lyndon & Nora
Law the best of health and happiness for the future.