Speech by Brendan O’Brien

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brendan O’Brien
Speech Date: mar 2003
Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen
Thank you ‘M’ for those kind words and may I thank you on behalf of the bridesmaids and also add how stunning they look and how they compliment the bride who, I think you'll all agree, looks beautiful.
For those of you who don't know me, My name is ‘B’ and I have the honour today of being ‘M's best man.
Some people say that being the best man is a bit like having been appointed to snog the Queen. It's a great honour but no-one wants to do it.
However being best man does carry the responsibility of certain duties. For example, remembering the wedding rings, not forgetting to remove handcuffs off the groom on the stag night.
and most importantly recalling a few embarrassing moments from ‘M's murky past and let me reassure you, there are many to choose from.
At this stage I would just like to clarify to ‘M’ that honestly, I'm Not here to embarrass you. You did a fine job of that yourself on the stag night in Edinburgh. For those who would like to check out the pictures, I believe they are on the internet at www. Ladyboys.com
So what do we really know about ‘M’?
Well, ‘M’ was born 31 years ago on the first of August 1971. As a child, ‘M's favourite pastime involved upsetting his younger brothers and embarrassing us in front of other people. Some things never change I suppose.
As he grew up however, he slowly lost interest in tormenting us, and ‘M’ soon found other avenues to channel this energy.
For instance, ‘M’ used to be in the cub scouts and he also joined the Boys Brigade where he was shown to be a diligent and highly motivated member, even if it did only last for 2 weeks.
If I remember correctly, I think he got a bit scared after the second week when the leader asked him to wear a strange uniform and stay behind to practice on his bugle.
As a typical Leo, ‘M’ likes to be the centre of attention, when it suits might I add.
But this desire for the limelight has not always turned out as expected. During a visit to Butlins some time ago, ‘M’ after some coercion by the red coats, agreed to sing a song at a talent contest.
But when the compare started to introduce this un discovered voice from the Wirral, ‘M’ got cold feet and bolted out the fire exit, leaving behind just a trail of smoke and the smell of pure fear to entertain the audience.
So it is fair to say, the art of showmanship was not quite developed at this stage.
Had he not been rejected from Blind date some years later (for reasons still a unclear) things may have turned out differently. I guess we will never know.
As an older brother ‘M’ was always the one who could run faster, jump further and stay up later than anyone else. Following in his footsteps therefore, has always been a stretch.
This state of affairs has allowed, ‘P’ and myself the advantage of being able to share in his successes but more importantly learn from his mistakes over the years.
For instance, ‘P’ and myself have ‘M’ to thank for highlighting the errors of a whole host of fashion crimes. Had it not been for his good background, ‘M’ could easily have been charged and sentenced under the misuse of Fashion Act of 1983.
Such misdemeanors included:
listening to and impersonating 1980’s pop star Rick Astley. Guilty as charged.

Putting blond streaks in your hair and thinking its cool.
(If you can imagine ‘P’ Calf on a bad hair day you're almost there.)

and we still haven't forgotten about that Fedora hat with the polka dots, Duran Duran music videos have a lot to answer for.
For these and many others all I can say is ‘M’ , what were you thinking? But thanks for going first.
‘Flash looking ‘M” also likes his cars for those who don't know already, the flashier the better. His first driving experience came early on at the tender age of 16 when one fine summers day our Dad thought it would be a Good idea to teach ‘M’ a few road lessons.
This was not in a car, or on the road for that matter, but on a vespa scooter in the back garden. I think you know how this one ends.
Once the basics were briefly explained, ‘M’ was left in control. At least he thought he was.
Because on that day ‘M’ learnt his first scooter lesson very quickly or perhaps a little too quickly: Clinging on to the throttle for dear life does not make the thing stop, quite the opposite in fact – it goes faster. And the harder you cling on for dear life, the faster you go.
Fortunately the garden was small and the fence not too far away, so within seconds ‘M’ and the Vespa having negotiated 2 apple trees crashed through the fence and into the next door neighbours garden.
I believe my dad was thinking of getting rid of the fence anyway. ‘M’, determined not to be put off motoring by such a small set back, was soon drooling over fast car magazines in his bedroom. Well, that's what he told us anyway. So it came as no surprise when he bought his first boy racer car- a fiesta popular plus 1.1! The only thing hot about it was the red colour and even that was mainly rust.
Like his cars, ‘M’ also likes to take pride in his own appearance too. Looking good though takes effort and once you're looking good you want to stay that way if at all possible. I remember once when ‘M’ and some friends decided to go clubbing for the night in Blackpool.
Being a considerate lad, ‘M’ offered to drive in his new babe magnet, that's right ladies and gentlemen the rusty red fiesta.
And it was not long before the popular plus and it's four occupants were speeding up the M6 bound for the bright lights of Blackpool town. Unfortunately, disaster struck early on in the journey and they soon found themselves stuck on the hard shoulder with a flat tyre. It was the middle of the night and it was pouring down with rain.
Being ever so resourceful, ‘M’ summoned the RAC on his mobile phone which in those days resembled a house brick with an aerial.
When the breakdown truck finally arrived ‘M’ wound down his window and asked the RAC mechanic ‘Do you mind if I wait in the car whilst you fix the tyre?
After a few odd looks from the lads in the back, ‘M’ later confessed that he wished to stay in the car because he didn't want to get his hair all messed up by the rain.
‘M’ left school with an armful of certificates- mostly other peoples, but being a great charmer it was not long before he greased his way into his first job with that model of industry. The Wirral Borough Council where he has remained loyal and dedicated to this day. The laid back work ethos at the council seemed to suit ‘M's happy go lucky temperament. The fact you can turn up when you want and then go to lunch half an hour later, followed by a couple of union meetings in the afternoon, was never a deciding factor he reassures me.
At the council, there is a tradition in the summer months to eat your lunch in Hamilton Square. For those who don't know Hamilton Square is a pleasant grassy area where office workers can relax and eat their lunch in peace and quiet on a summers day.
Eating your sandwiches though is only part of the attraction as the area is also frequented by hoards of young office girls. So once you've finished your lunch the remaining time is spent gawping at office girls as they saunter past in their summer dresses and wondering if they are single or attached and then wondering some more.
And so it was on May 6th in 1995 that a long haired ‘M’ (with his fading blond streaks ) was having his normal Two hour lunch in the Square when he spotted a very lovely legal clerk that answered to the name of ‘R’. Arrr
As the summer progressed, the lunch time date no longer became a game of coincidences but the start of a blossoming romance and is the reason we are all gathered here today.
But the path of true love never runs smoothly. On the first official date, ‘M’ agreed to take ‘R’ out for lunch at the salubrious Woodside hotel which is located just next to the Birkenhead docks, ‘R’ knew class when she saw it. . At the end of the date, ‘M’ obviously bowled over by this beautiful , witty intelligent pearl from sunny Huyton said to her casually ‘I suppose your ok, I'll let you have my telephone number’. And who said romance is dead?
But this just goes to show that what you say is always remembered and can be used as ammunition on choice occasions such as this. My advice to you ‘M’ is to remember the three most important words: ‘Your'right dear’.
I'm starting to come to the end of my speech now, and out of a mark of respect for the lovely ‘R’ I haven't mentioned a lot of things that ‘M’ got up to. But, just so he doesn't think he's got away with it, the stories about:
Blind Date
Water filters and Network Marketing And…
Lawfully dubious Whiplash claims
Have Not been forgotten………………and mines and large brandy.
I've just got a couple of cards to read out so please bear with me.
‘M’ and ‘R’ have been inundated with cards and well wishers and I know they would like to pass on their gratitude to you all. I have only a small selection of cards to read out, so please don't feel offended if yours is not one of them.
Ok here we go.…
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To ‘M’, I could have been so lucky, and that's with love from Kylie Minogue
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This one is to ‘R’: To ‘R’, I thought we had a future together, and that's with love from Martina Navratilova.
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This one is from California, To ‘M’, your welcome at the ranch anytime, love Hugh Heffner whoever he is.
Well that's me pretty much over and done with, On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances.
And without further ado, it gives me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to join me in a toast to the newly weds.
We wish them well for the future,
and hope they enjoy a long, happy, and fruitful marriage together.
To ‘M’ and ‘R’…
Now please relax and enjoy the rest of the day. Thank you all