Speech by Brent Thelen

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brent Thelen
Speech Date: mar 2004
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. For those who don't know

me, I'm Brent, the Best man for the day. One of Alan's closest

friends for perhaps longer than I care to remember. I am sure you

will agree that this has turned out to be a wonderful wedding

and so here I am. I would like to start by thanking everyone on

behalf of the bride and groom for being here to share in their

special day, although personally I wish you'd all stayed at home

and made my day less nerve wracking.

How many of you have ever had Meals on Wheels before. Wow,

that many….Well I guess we are all guinea pigs tonight! Our food

is being prepared across the street and shipped over here. So If

your food is cold you might want to think twice about asking them

to warm it up again.

Since we are on the topic of food, Kay encouraged all of us last

night to eat plenty at the rehearsal dinner. So beware!!! Speaking

of our maid of honor and all the bride's maids. Did you know, that

in the 1500’s, most people got married in June because they took

their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June.

However, they were starting to smell so the brides carried a

bouquet of flowers to hide their body odor. Hence, today's custom

of carrying a bouquet of flowers.

Did anyone get a whiff of the girls as

they walked down the aisle. SNIFF SNIFF I guess it smells

alright up here. Another old tradition was that bread was divided

up according to social status. Workers got the burnt bottom

of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or

“upper crust.” Al I better be considered family! All kidding

aside, I think the bride's maids did an excellent job and am sure

Dawn and Al have chosen not to upset our stomaches tonight. I

have a few definitions of Love, Lust, & Marriage that I would like

to share with you while.

Love – When you share everything you own
Lust – When you steal everything you own
Marriage – When the banks owns everything

Love – When you phone each other to say “Hi”
Lust – When you phone each other to pick a hotel room
Marriage — When you phone each other to bitch about work

Love – When you write poems about your partner
Lust – When all you write is your phone number
Marriage – When all you write is checks

Love –When your heart flutters every time you see them
Lust – When your groin twitches every time you see them
Marriage – When your wallet empties every time you see them

Love – When all the songs on the radio describe how you feel
Lust – When the song on the radio decides how you do it
Marriage –When you listen to Dr. Ruth on talk radio
Love – Is the face of the woman that gets ready for you on your first
date
Lust – Is the face of the woman on a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Cover
Marriage – Is the face of Cruella Deville that wakes you up to every morning.

Al is that true, because Kay and Heather told me that. Al just

make sure you are always the last one to wake up in the morning.

My marital knowledge is striaghtfoward as you can see, but one

thing I do know is that:

A successful marriage is one, where your wife is also your best

friend. Marriage won't be perfect, there will be arguments, but

don't you fear. Just remember Al, at least you can always get the

last two words in …….YES DEAR.

Though I have only known Alan a couple of years, that may not

seem like a long time to some people, but it is long enough to

know that he is good, loyal and trustworthy man. I met Alan on a

jobsite in Bolingbrook. On the construction site, I am known as a

dirty guy

(because I do excavating) and Alan is trim, I mean does trim work.

I conned Alan into doing some trimwork at my house.

He was running a little late for his first date with Dawn so he had

to shower and get ready for it at my house.

I have to agree with you Dawn,

Alan does have a nice ass and smile!

He was all excited and enthusiastic about

the new woman in his life. And I think that was the last time I saw

Al have an upperhand in this relationship. So AL this is for you:

I need the two of you to stand up,

Al and Dawn…..Dawn If I can

ask you to place your hand flat on the table…Now Al if you can

put your hand ontop of Dawn's. Al, make the most of this moment

because it will be the last time you'll ever have the upperhand in

this marriage!

Now Dawn even though I haven't been around you alot, it

wasn't too long before I knew, Your kindness, compassion, and

sensitivity, are qualities possessed by few. Your intelligence, and

your judge of character, are two reasons why, I commend you on

ending up, with such a genuinely nice guy.

Mr and Mrs. H, couldn't be a nicer or more perfectly

suited couple you would ever wish to meet, and I wish them all the

happiness in their future together.

Could you please all stand now and join me in a toast to the bride

and groom's parents for this special day, and to all those who were

sadly unable to be here today.

Would you all please remain standing, I'd like to say that it really

has been an honour and a pleasure being best man, but today I am

the best man by name only. It's Alan and Dawn's day and I'd like

to give them a few final words: may your love be modern

enough to survive the times but old fashioned enough to last

forever. Congratulations to our Newlywed couple Mr. & Mrs.

H.