Speech by Brett Wills

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brett Wills
Speech Date: 08/11/2011 10:49:56

Thank you Ross for those kind words.… before I deliver my speech I want to thank you for asking me to be your best man, it's a real privilege and an honour.

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, for those of you that don't know me I'm Brett – Ross's older brother.

As some of you are aware, Ross was my best man when I got married 6 years ago so he used some of the stories from our childhood in his speech but I still have a few embarrassing stories about him.

Now before I start to belittle and humiliate my little brother, I have a few formalities to address.  Firstly, I would like to thank all the ushers for the excellent job they did at the church, I'd like to thank the bridesmaids for everything they've done in getting Emma ready this morning and getting her to the church and whilst I'm very biased, I would like to thank my boys Toby & Ewan for being very well behaved page boys, they look very cute and they've done a great job and Ewan I think the last minute arm cast finishes the look.

As best man, I would like to offer my congratulations to the married couple and I'd like to welcome Emma into our family.  I have seen their relationship grow over the years and I knew Ross was serious about Emma when he stopped seeing his other girlfriends a few months after they started to see each other.

Now on to the uncomfortable part for Ross.  Overall Ross has lead a pretty boring life, he didn't go to university or have a bachelor pad which is traditionally a good source of stories of wild nights out.  He lived at home until he was 25 and to the best of my knowledge has never been arrested or hospitalised for any funny reason – If anyone in the room knows differently I'd love to discuss these event at the bar afterwards – so what funny little stories can I tell you about my brother that you don't already know :-

• Ross isn't a very loyal person – when he was 5 years old he supported Liverpool but after a couple of years of Liverpool not winning anything he suddenly switched to supporting Arsenal.  Not a good characteristic for marriage

• Ross is prone to taking instructions literally – when he was in junior school he was being picked on by a boy.  He approached me for advice so I repeated dad's instructions to simply punch anyone who picked on us.  Unfortunately, Ross head-butted the boy whilst being bear hugged and whilst he didn't break the boy's nose he certainly changed it's shape.  Mum and Dad were summoned to the school for talks – the outcome being that I was in more trouble than Ross when they got home for telling him to fight back

• Ross and food – For the first 5 years of his life Ross refused to chew his food even if mum cut it up for him so mum had to mince his meals up so that it was baby mush

• Ross doesn't listen to parental advice – One cold winter's night Ross decided to pop round his friend Sam's house.  Dad told him that it was very icy and that he should go however Ross being a driver of a couple of years he knew better than Dad and just after he'd left Sam's house he lost control of the car – left the road – and slammed it sideways into a fencepost resulting in the car being almost written-off but through a lot of help from his friends it was rebuilt only to be vandalised a few weeks after rebuilding it.

• Ross comfort's blanket – Ross has always been attached to his favourite cuddly toy – Roland Rat of past TV fame.  Roland Rat has been everywhere with Ross and I know he has pride of place on the soon to be martial bed

• Ross is lucky to be with us today because when he was about 8 years old he was cooking a piece of toast in an electric toaster when the bread got stuck and started to burn.  Instead of turning the toaster off, Ross grabbed a metal knife and stuck it in the toaster.  After a loud bang and flash Ross's arm shot out of the toaster.  Mum ran downstairs to see what had happened and ‘educated’ Ross on the dangers of electricity.

• On the night I decided to introduce my wife Gail to my parents, I took her back to mum and dad's after we'd been out for dinner.  All was going okay until Ross walked in and announced he'd just been given 3 points for speeding having only been driving for a few weeks.  Needless to say the polite chit chat with Gail ended as mum took to interrogating Ross over his first brush with the law.

• And finally Ross is very gullible – whilst making mum and dad a cup of tea in bed one morning I accidentally broke the spout on the teapot.  Realising the trouble I was in I tried to super-glue the broken bit back on but spilt glue on the brand new kitchen worktop.  I wiped the glue off with kitchen towel and thought I'd covered up the crime but mum noticed the new shiny batch on the textured worktop and Ross and I were summoned before our parents.  After what seemed like hours of us both denying it, I finally managed to persuade Ross to take the blame telling him that his punishment would be less than mine.  As you can tell from their reaction this is the first time that I have admitted to the crime which has constantly been brought up over the years.  I've maintained  my innocence for over 20 years but it feels good to come clean at last.

As children growing up Ross and I were very close, we spent every weekend and school holiday playing the games that all boys play and occasionally getting into trouble and there were of course the usual disagreements between us. Occasionally these disagreements turned violent but in terms of memorable injuries inflicted on each other at the last count it was still 2 -1 to me.  I have stabbed Ross in the head with a sharpened pencil breaking of the lead (I believe he still has a mark on his head which you'll all be able to see clearly in a few more years and I put a wind-up car with the back wheels fully wound in his hair and let go of the back wheels causing his hair to get caught in the wheels.  So far all he has done is to hit me in the mouth with a golf club breaking a few teeth and ruining my smile.

On a serious note, as Ross's older brother I have watched him grow up to become the person you see today and the person Emma has decided to marry.  Now whilst you maybe thinking Emma can still get away with it providing they don't consummate the marriage but I want to tell you about the Ross I know and love.

As his brother I am very proud of the person that Ross has grown up to be and I think I played a big part in making him who he is.  He really has learnt all those lessons that only a big brother can teach a young brother.  Joking aside, I think Ross's best characteristic is that he is very loyal to his family and friends and he has a clear sense of right and wrong.  He will stick to his principles even if that puts him in conflict with those closest too him.

I know standing here in front of you today, I can say with absolute confidence that Ross has found his soul mate.  Having seen their relationship mature over the years, I can only see many years of happiness ahead.

Ladies and Gentleman, to end my speech, before I ask you to stand and raise your glasses, I would like to say this Ross and Emma, you deserve one another and I know you'll make a great life together. You're among people today who care about you very much and wish you all the happiness in the world. I don't know what your future holds exactly, and I know that twenty years from now, many things will have happened that we can't predict today. But whatever happens, and wherever you go, I know you'll have each other's love, and you'll also have ours. We'll always be ready to help and ready to share your joys with you when they come. So with that in mind, and on behalf of everyone here, I want to make you this wish: ‘May your love be modern enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever.’

Ladies and Gentleman, can I ask you to stand and raise your glasses and join me in a toast to ‘the bride and groom’