Speech by Brian Greenfield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brian Greenfield
Speech Date: 23/08/2010 14:21:10

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming, although had you all stayed at home my job would have been a whole lot easier.

For those that don't know me, my name is Brian, I am David's friend, and yes, it was I who drew the short straw…….I mean, was given the great honour of being the Best Man here today.

I would also like to take a moment to say, if you do laugh at my jokes I may relax a bit and speed up, so it is in your best interest.

I won't go on too long this afternoon, because of my throat. If I talk for longer than 5 minutes David has offered to cut it.

I was actually a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his duties in the bedroom.

So with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, you've been a great crowd !!

As best man, it would seem that there were two main roles that I had to fulfil.

The first was to get him there on time by making sure he got a good nights sleep before the wedding. Well, I can assure you he slept like a baby – he wet the bed twice and woke up every hour crying for his mum.

The second was to get him here looking presentable with his face and hair in good order. Unfortunately, God didn't get this right first time round so what chance did I have?

I would like to start by thanking everyone on behalf of the bride and groom for sharing this glorious day with them. On behalf of the Natalie(bridesmaid), Philippa(matron of honour) and Lee, Daniel, Dane and Adam(ushers) I would like to thank David for his kind words.

I think you'll all agree ladies and gentlemen Anna looks absolutely stunning. David however looks like he was second place in a raffle. Don't you know it took me ages to pick this outfit, it's the Tenerife shirt all over again.

I'm sure you'll agree with me gentlemen, today is a sad day for single men, as another beauty leaves the available list. And ladies, I'm sure you'll agree that today passes by without much of a ripple.

I've know David for many years, the suave, sophisticated, handsome, ……… sorry David, not sure what that bit says………

Well I'll start again on my own then. I met David many years ago, I think the wheel was about at the time but I'm not entirely sure. He was a little, scraggy and skinny heavy metal fan., with the same hair cut he's had for 30 years, lots of black t-shirts most of which he had to turn inside out so he didn't upset his or my mum, a love of his leather jacket and the dreaded baseball boots he could never get on and off properly. A convincing attitude about never owning or wearing a suit. We shared many interests, and a love of all things Iron Maiden.

Both being in the navy, although I managed the one that pays well. When we had leave at the same time we followed a few of our favourite pass times . These included Red Dwarf marathons on the telly, or the odd dip into Lord British's world on the mighty commodore 64, for those of you less than 40 that's a massively impressive home computer with less memory than your brains calculator.

Not content with the mighty array of beverages on sale in the North East David felt it his duty to introduce the purple *******(use hands to muffle) to an unsuspecting public, this consisted of snakebite with blackcurrent and a double pernod for good measure. The right way to drink one according to David was in The County in Westoe, sat at a bar stool for 5 of them, then fall head first off your stool to crawl home. I myself have never got the hang of the final stage, but I'm still trying.

More recently it was my mighty task to go with David to Tenerife, having drove half the night from my house to pick David up at his then onto Manchester airport I was dying for a drink. I disappear only to come back to the cafe at 2.15 in the morning to a grinning David saying that only the Stella pump worked. This lead up to a nice first day on holiday with David doing a lovely turtle impression at 4am the next day, you all have to help me with that one, I think its turtles who can't get off their backs isn't it?

I'm afraid I can't comment on the stag weekend antics, David cleverly phoned my company and got me out to sea for that, thanks mate. But I'm told he was over excited and very enthusiastic. Not sure how to pronounce the rest of it, that policeman's handwriting is terrible.

It is traditional for the best man to character assassinate the groom during his speech, this has been a difficult, but not impossible task. Over the 30 years I have known David he has always been a good and loyal friend. I have no doubt that this will make him a loving husband. I see in Anna he has found someone who he can spend his life with and makes him truly happy and I feel honoured to be asked to participate in this occasion.

Finally I would like to offer some pieces of advice that I came across – that may help David and Anna through the years ahead;

Firstly, always remember to always tell Anna those 3 very important little words…………..… ‘You're right dear’.

Secondly, the best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it just once.

Thirdly, if you're clever David you'll always have the last word…..… And if you're really clever you'll never ever say it.

And finally particularly appropriate with the current credit crunch:

“Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest”

<READ ANY CARDS OUT HERE>

So with out any further delay, I would like you all to raise your glasses to the happy couple,

***To the both of you, may your “For better or worse” be far better than it is worse,***

Ladies and Gentlemen, please be upstanding, I give you the bride and groom.