Speech by Brian Jenner

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brian Jenner
Speech Date: dec 2002

Ladies & Gentlemen

How nice it is to be in Liverpool.
I have taken advice on how to do this speech.
One drink and people think you're funny.
Three drinks and you think you're funny but no-one else does.
Ten drinks and the ambulance crew think you're funny.

I've studied the manuals closely before delivering this speech and I know, the best man's speech should last no longer than the groom's first night performance.
So in conclusion.
No actually, best mans speeches are usually 20 minutes of embarrassing revelations and cheap jokes at the groom's expense.
But as I am a qualified Advanced Toastmaster this speech is going to be different.
It's going to 1hr 50mins of embarrassing revelations and cheap jokes.
My official job is to reply to the groom's toast, on behalf of the bridesmaids and pageboys. My unofficial job is to give an insight in to what sort of person the groom is.
The German intellectual Nietzsche said you should be able to summarise any man's life in three anecdotes.
So I was going to tell you three stories this evening:
the story of the one legged lady of the night in Prague.
the Brasenose cross-dressing cricket eleven shower party
the older woman, three in a bed love shame shocker.
They're all cracking stories. Unfortunately James isn't in any of them because, basically, he's Mother Teresa in a sport's jacket.
I have known James for over a dozen years.
The first thing I noticed about him, was his brilliant sense of humour.
About the time we were at university, there were a number of ‘right-on’ students who wore badges marked, ‘Why assume I'm heterosexual?’
James won his first spurs as a satirical journalist by creating a badge:
‘Why assume I'm a carbon-based life form?’

This was a typical example of James’ wit, and I've never found him to be short of humorous observations. When we were on the stag night someone asked:
Are we going clubbing after this?
James replied: ‘I haven't brought my club’.
James has a great talent as a writer and as a talker. But he's never been much of a ‘doer’.
I think some men need wives more than others, and James very definitely needs a wife.
When I asked for stories about the groom, the others volunteered an anecdote about James's booze cruises when he was a student. They used to hire a boat for a
weeks holiday and took turns at being captain, which involved doing the steering. But James could never get the hang of it and the boat used to zig-zag off
down the river ‘crashing’ from bank to bank.…
I think James was in danger of zig-zagging through life, until Sarah came along.
Plato describes marriage. Two spirits are born into the world.
Two halves of a whole, and they find one another and settle down.
James and Sarah complement each other very well. Sarah is ambitious, industrious and highly-motivated and James likes sitting at home watching cricket.
James is a also magician in the kitchen. Say the word kitchen and he disappears.
He's very lucky to find a wife who is so tolerant and supportive – though I hope she'll push James to acquire more confidence in his talents.
It takes a lot of hard work, patience and love to bring up a moderately normal human being these days, and with James and Sarah they got very close.
James comes from a two parent family. That's like a one parent family only twice as bad. Above all I know how impressed James is with how quickly he's become part of Sarah's family. He says he already feels more dysfunctional.
It is customary to retell a few tales from the stag night. I must report that we had afternoon tea in Primrose Hill and then sung a selection of popular hymns around the piano. It was an amazing coincidence that the tea shop had been double booked by the Vampire Belly Dancers of Sodom.
I'd like to say thank you to Reverend Chadwick.
Over the past few weeks Reverend Chadwick has been seeing James and Sarah on a regular basis to put marriage in its proper religious and moral context.
James has also been secretly seeing an independent financial advisor to put it in its proper economic context. I don't know who's praying harder.
I'd like to offer some advice to the newly married couple.
James, always remember that men come 4th in women's list of priorities after ice cream, chocolate and shoes. Don't try to compete with any of these.
I know they're going to be happy because that's what it say's in their pre-nuptial agreement.
It was written by Sarah. The first clause forbids James to read all the others. I can summarise. Sarah makes the rules. The rules are subject to change without notice. Rule 1 is she's right and you're sorry.

So on behalf of the bridesmaids I'd like to say thank you to James for the kind things he said about them.