Speech by Brian

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Brian
Speech Date: aug 2001
Can you hear me at the back?? Yes??? Pint of Lager then please.

Firstly, North Lanarkshire council have asked me to request that, for
health and safety reasons, none of you get up on top of the chairs and
tables during my standing ovation.

Every silver lining has a cloud, and that's because you now have to
listen to me!!!. For those of you who don't know me my name is Brian what are you drinking . So, if you see me later don't hesitate to use my name.

I have the honour of being Gary s brother, and the privilege of being
his best man today.

Before we carry on into the speech I think we will have some audience
participation, so you can all help me out a little.. Will you do that?
Sorry didn't hear you, a little bit louder please .. (wait for audience
response).

Good. First, can you all just shift up to the end of your seat please?

Next, this left side all shouts a big Ooh.

And finally nice and loud, the right side says Arrhh

I told Gary and Lindsay that I would be making a speech that would have
everybody ooohing and aaaahing so there you have it.

Well, they say a best man's speech should last about as long as it takes
him to perform his manly duties in bed…….but as we haven't got all night I ll be brief.

You would be forgiven for thinking with the professional delivery of
this speech that I have been a best man before however, I haven t. Trust me.

It s not as easy as it looks, so I thought I d better get some proper advice on the tasks and duties that I would be expected to perform. So I borrowed a copy of How to be a best man.

The book suggests that on the weekend of the wedding, as best man, I
must concentrate on five key tasks .

Task 1) Bring a cheque book or credit card for those payments that the
groom may have forgotten. No problems there (Show chequebook)

Task 2) On the night before the wedding, make sure the Groom is well
looked after and gets a good nights sleep. I am proud to be able to report that Gary slept like a baby last night . He had about four hours sleep, but kept waking every thirty minutes, crying for our mum.

Task 3) Help the groom dress. A tricky one this, especially with Gary
getting ready at my mums house! But you would have thought that a man of 26 plus years would be able to accomplish this simple task himself And finally.

Task 4) Make sure all of the Grooms ex-girlfriends are kept at bay. One of
my easier tasks that one . As since the advent of foot and mouth, most of
them have been culled. And those with just 2 legs were too busy celebrating their lucky escape to attend today!

An old tradition of the best man is to marry the bride if the groom
fails to show, boy am I glad Gary turned up because I don t think my ears
could take all Lindsay s talking after all she is the first woman in
Scotland to be able to talk under water and not come up for air.

Thanks
Moving on, please allow me to officially congratulate my brother Gary and
my new sister-in-law Lindsay. I think everybody would agree that they both look gorgeous even although I can t believe Gary showed up with the same outfit as me. They have done a splendid job in making today a very emotional event – look! Even the cake is in tiers.

Reply for bridesmaids
While we're at it, I'm sure you'll agree that the bridesmaids have done a
wonderful job today .and don't they look lovely. Lets show your appreciation for Ciara, Amanda and Aleshia.

Well, Gary was born on October 29, 1974 the year that Gillette Launched
disposable razors and a three day working week was introduced in the UK but as the guys from Bell Security will tell you he still maintains this rule.

School reports Gary s nickname at school was God because he was rarely
seen and if he did any work it was a miracle.

After leaving school, Gary appeared to develop a passion for
horticulture. Our mother says his collection of mouldy plates was very
impressive. He had a regular penicillin factory under his bed.

It was at this time that he developed a passion for Glasgow Rangers
travelling up and down the UK and all over the world to watch them, however this brought back to our house it s troubles I remember one day he totted off at 10 in the morning to Aberdeen and must have returned early the next morning however we all awoke the next day to cries of DAD DAD a dog must have followed me in here last night and spewed all over my room floor.

About eight years ago, Gary met a very special girl. He also met
Lindsay.

No seriously though She put him on the right track and if it wasn t for
Lindsay, Gary wouldn t be the man his is now. I m very proud of my brother and all that he has become.

Gary, you ve played a blinder in marrying Lindsay. You ve got someone
who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. Lindsay, you've got well Gary really.

In preparation for this speech I came across this in the dictionary it
is the definition of the word argument

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when she s right, but you just haven t realized it yet.

And remember Always tell her those 3 little words .. ‘You're right,
dear’

I also have some advice for Lindsay

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Before I move onto the cards, I'd like to ask Gary and Lindsay to
participate in the speech now. Lindsay if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table… Right Gary, if you would like place your hand directly on top of Lindsay s..

Enjoying that Gary? Make the most of it, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

Read some cards including a couple of fakes

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!

This one is from Gary s mate Alex .
Best wishes to you both Gary, It has been said that marriage is a 50/50
partnership I hope you realise that anyone who believes this knows very
little about women or fractions. Good luck

And finally I have a fax from the Beverley Hills Club in Tenerife,
where Gary and Lindsay will be spending their honeymoon.

Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to
making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if
there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you
..the roof

Toasts
On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long
distances.

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to thank the special
people who are the reason we are all here today and who will make both this afternoon and tonight special in all our hearts.

The Toast is to the bar staff
Could you please remain standing and join me in a toast to thank the
bride and grooms parents for this special day. The toast is to The Parents.

Thirdly, a toast to all those people who couldn t be here today for
whatever reason to celebrate Gary and Lindsay s wedding;
The toast is To Absent Friends.

And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask
you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom. May your love be modern
enough to survive the times and old-fashioned enough to last forever
The toast is to Gary & Lindsay. the new Mr & Mrs Andrew

To round up then, I d like to thank you all for your attention, and let
me just say that if you've enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I
enjoyed making it, then all I can do is apologise most sincerely.

I’ off to the bar now for a well-earned drink!!!!!!!!