Speech by Bryan King

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Bryan King
Speech Date: Jun 2002
BEST MAN SPEECH – JUNE 1, 2002

Hello and welcome.

My name is Bryan and I have the honor of being Groom's best man today at this joyous occasion.

I've known Groom for almost ten years now even though it was only our first year of knowing each other did we live in the same city.

It's a real testament to Groom what a great friend he is and it's my pleasure to be here tonight.

JOKE – I'm sure you'll all agree that Bride is looking fabulous today in such a beautiful dress . And ….… Groom looks ok !

JOKE – Hello – can you hear me in the back? Good. Then could you make yourself useful and order me another glass of chardonay.

I have not taken this responsibility lightly and have spent many an evening researching the ins and outs of bestmanship.

JOKE – The first thing I found out is what the ideal length of the speech should be. I was told, "no longer than it take's the groom to make love". So, according to Bride, I shouldn't be up here for more than 90 seconds.

JOKE – Just kidding – she actually said three minutes

I actually asked Groom if I did a good job and didn't embarrass him too much during this speech if he and Bride would be willing to help me out with my retirement.

Groom said "Bryan, making some type of donation to your 401K doesn't make any sense"

JOKE – I said Groom – you're a year away from being a lawyer and you're marrying a doctor – YOU ARE MY RETIREMENT PLAN.

JOKE – Groom has had as much of a part in developing my sense of humour as anyone. So, although I have tried to make this speech as funny as possible, if it stinks, please blame Groom.

Groom was the best man at my wedding to Shelly in Vancouver back in 1997 so it's my pleasure to reciprocate here today.

Just like my wedding in Vancouver, the majority of the guests had to travel far distances to share in the occasion.

I've had time to look around the room at you all and have been struck by something that occurred to me five years ago at my wedding as well:

JOKE – It's amazing just how far people will travel for a free meal.

JOKE – It's certainly been a glorious day so far, and I'm sure you'd all agree that seeing Groom and Bride being united forever at the altar was a very emotional moment, even the cake is in tiers!

HISTORY W/ Groom

Groom and I met in late summer 1992 when we brought together by a mutual friend of ours in Boston when we were both at school there.

Without knowing each other at all, Groom, myself and this mutual friend decided to be roommates in a 3 bedroom apartment on Columbus Ave. in Boston.

My first memories of Groom was his hair.

He had the biggest, fluffiest, most noticeable hair you could imagine.

He looked like something out of a late-80’s heavy metal band.

However, it didn't take more than a few minutes to see past the hair and see what a great guy he was.

During that school year, Groom and I enjoyed many silly times.

>From playing baseball/basketball in our apartment which was over a chinese restaurant to a trip out to Worcester one autumn night to singing Holiday Songs at the Prudential Tower.

Although things like that might not sound very fun to any of you, to Groom and I, they are permanent memories of how much fun there will always be in the most ordinary of things.

MOVIES

Groom and I have a love of movies.

Actually, he had a love of movies, but seeing a movie through his eyes made me realize just how great movies can be.

But not any type of movies, but the silly ones.

Classics such as Fletch, Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Three Amigos and Dumb and Dumber.

You sillier the movie was, the more we could joke about it. We still steal lines from those films today and will for the rest of our life.

Certain things stick out in my memory more than others from living in that apartment.

-Groom had mold growing out of his carpeted floor in his room

– Groom still owes the May 1993 rent to Peter Menunos the landlord

SNOW DAY JOKE

One morning, Groom decided he was going to play a little joke on me.

Knowing that a snow storm had been in the forecast when we went to bed the night before, Groom heard my alarm go off for school as it always did around 8AM.

Groom quickly poked his head in my room and said "School's closed. The snow has shut the city down this morning.

I thanked him for not letting me leave my warm bed and quickly went back to sleep.

When I woke up later that morning and finally got out of bed, I looked outside to see just how much snow had fallen the night before.

JOKE – Guess what? Not a single snowflake on the ground!!!

A few weeks passed…

Groom heard my alarm go off and poked his head in my door. "School's closed. The snow has shut the city down this morning."

I say something along the lines of "Yeah right, thanks Groom." I'm not that stupid.

So, I get up, shower, dress, eat my breakfast and get ready to walk out the door to class.

Sure enough, I look outside and there are massive amounts of snow everywhere!

Indeed, school was closed. Groom pulled the ultimate joke: He set it up so got myself.

WOMAN IS FERTILE on TUESDAY

One time in Human Psysiology class, the topic of the day was sex.

Groom and I sat with a group of guys in the back corner who seemed to do nothing but giggle like eight year olds in church.

During that entire class, Groom and I were adding our own jokes to the teacher's commentary.

To contain the laughter was tough enough, until Groom came up with one of the best lines in class.

When the teacher asked the class "Do You Know when a Woman is Most Fertile?" Groom didn't miss a beat.

In a voice just loud enough to be heard, the simple word" "TUESDAYS?"

Seriously though … Groom's a very lucky Groom today.

He's married Bride … She's beautiful …smart …funny … warm and loving and deserves a good husband.

JOKE – So thank goodness Groom married her before she found one !

I must say what a lovely setting for a wedding it was .. so idyllic for the ceremony.

JOKE – It's so nice that Groom's good friend Renwick was able to perform the ceremony.

I was in fact chatting to the Renwick before the wedding and asked her about her thoughts on sex before marriage.

She said that we are now in a modern age and she felt that it was no problem whatsoever …

JOKE – so long as it didn't hold up the ceremony for too long.

I polled some of Groom's friends and family to see if my admiration of him was at the same level as theirs.

Some of the words that were used to describe Groom were:

Loving, brilliant, energetic, funny, big-hearted and talented.

As with many Best Man speeches, taking cheap shots at the groom is part of the fun.

Although I've taken some in jest, how does one construct a character assassination on a guy like Groom? You can't.

He's the finest guy I know. Look at him. He's got the looks, the brains and the body odor. Now, he has the perfect mate.

When you hear those words to describe Groom, the same can be said for Bride:

She is loving, brilliant, energetic, funny, big-hearted, and talented.

That's why they are such a good match.

For it was Groom and Bride's big-hearted, unselfish nature and their ability to give more of them to others that brought them together.

Groom and Bride met at the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center in 1998 and started dating in 1999.

What noble work to give your time to such a cause.

JOKE – Sadly, they were at the starting stage of their romance while both working the phones and were reprimanded numerous times for flirting while placing callers on hold.

PAST GIRLFRIENDS

Groom specifically asked me to refrain from mentioning any past girlfriends during this speech.

Sadly, that cut the speech short a good 45 minutes, but he's the man of the day, so I respected his wished.

KEY JOKE

However, during last night's rehearsal dinner gathering as well as today's ceremony, I was surprised to see just how many former "Female Friends" were present at the events.

So, in front of everyone and to give poor Bride final closure. Some are even here tonight and I'd like to ask them to once and for all return the keys to Groom's apartment.

THIS IS WHERE THE MAJORITY OF THOSE W/ KEYS COME FORWARD TO LEAVE THEM IN FRONT OF KEYS

Is that it? I thought I saw at least one or two more here today who had keys…?

OLDER LADY COMES FORWARD W/ HER KEY…

Okay, I guess that's really it, unless there's one more.…

THE ONE MAN COMES FORWARD W/ HIS KEY

Thanks you. I know Bride feels better knowing all those keys are back in her hands and not anyone else's.

Well now Groom and Bride have got married ‘ For Better or For worse’

JOKE – The old joke is that: Groom couldn't do any better and Bride couldn't do any worse !

But let's face the truth, in this instance, it appears that either could do any better that who they've found in each other.

ADVICE TO Groom

It's now time for me to give Groom some advice:

1. If you buy Bride flowers, she knows you're guilty, and she will remember to the second the last time you bought her any.

2. The best way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget it once

3. Groom.… It's always important to get on with the Mother-In-Law …
I didn't speak to mine for the first two years …..…
Don't get me wrong .… It's not that I didn't like her.
JOKE – I was just too polite to interrupt !

CLOSING

So Groom, I would like to say that it has been an honor and a privilege to be your best man, and to say how lucky you are to have married Bride today.

JOKE – Bride, if it doesn't work out, you have my number.…

JOKE – (Look at my wife) Oh, sorry honey…

Groom – you have found someone loving, funny, smart and caring and a mental match for you any day of the week.

JOKE – And Bride, you have found,………., well you have found Groom.

Groom, what can I say. … I have been bestowed with the honor of being your best man. But today and everyday you truly are the best man.

I'm sure I speak for everyone here when I say that.…

I hope your love be versatile enough to survive the changing times and old-fashioned enough to last forever.

Finally it gives me great pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses to Bride and Groom as I am sure everyone here today would like to wish them both good health, happiness and the best of everything.

Thank You