Speech by Cameron Corcoran

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Cameron Corcoran
Speech Date: Sep2006
Good evening Ladies &amp Gentlemen,

My name is Cameron. I am Andrew's brother and it is my honor to stand here today as best man.

On behalf of the new Mr &amp Mrs Corcoran I'd like to thank you all for coming to celebrate their marriage. I'm sure you will agree it has been an amazing day. I'd also like to thank our lovely bridesmaid Jacquie for the wonderful job she has done assisting Renee.

Now, almost 7 years ago to the day Dru was best man at my wedding. At the start of his speech, to avoid any misunderstandings, he asked all those ladies present with a key to my place to return them. Well, about 15 ladies and one gentleman returned their keys. Today I would like to return that favor, but unfortunately, a recent outbreak of mad cow disease has kept Drus ex's in quarantine.

For those that don't know Dru too well I'll now say a few words about the great man…..For those that do know Dru – you have my sympathy.

Andrew was born on Monday17th Feb 1975. I tried to link this day to some other major world event, but it seems that nothing else happened that day……..although the hospital staff still refer to that day as “ugly Monday”. In fact I'm also told that Mum didn't develop morning sickness until after Dru was born.

Dru was and still is a slow starter. At pre school, Dru was different from the other 4 year olds…he was 11.

Growing up we shared a bedroom. In our room Mum and Dad installed floor to ceiling mirrors. It wasn't a Christmas present, but, I tell you all Drus Christmases had come at once. You see, it didn't take him long to develop a fondness for his reflection that bordered on adoration. He'd dress up in his tight footy shorts and Melbourne footy jumper with #13 on the back –Allan Jackovich. The crowd and girls would be chanting his name in his head mind you. Dru never got tired of staring at himself in that mirror. I couldn't count the number of times he won mark of the year in that room. He was good.

Another memory I have growing up with Dru is waking one morning to find Mum sitting on the end of my bed with a letter in her hand. A letter Dru had written pretending to be me to 3 of my mates, one of them being Bowsie who is here tonight. This letter was very explicit. The work of an evil, homosexual genius. The letter detailed how much I enjoyed the pleasure of my friend's anatomy, how big their anatomy was and how I wanted to have my way with them. Obviously the letter was fiction because Bowsies not that big. After writing the letter, Dru of course left it conveniently for Mum to find. I remember the grin of satisfaction on his face watching a shocked and disbelieving mother sit down and say to me “Cameron, we need to talk…..”

In 𔄃2 Dru completed his VCE and then went on to gain a degree in teaching at RMIT, but he soon realized teachers do a lot of work and this was not what he had in mind.

Since then he has become a Justice of the Peace. Ironic I think. 10years ago I would have thought him more a disturber of the peace. He now works at FORTREND as a successful financial consultant, and I use the term successful very loosely. You see some time ago he convinced me to invest in Gay TV shares. Yep. A real blue chip investment that one. How did those shares go? Let's just say it's not the best advice he's given me. On that subject. He is also the only bloke I know who has his own DVD copy of Brokeback Mountain. Hmmmmmmmm………..there's a certain word coming to mind now…….conversion.

And this is where Renee comes into it. Couple of years ago Dru, disillusioned with love and contemplating moving overseas was attending a birthday in the city when across the room he spotted the lovely, but lonely Renee. Immediately he was hit with Cupids arrow. He was lovestruck badly yet somehow managed to attract some level of interest from Renee. But, initially not enough.

I caught up with Dru a couple of days after that night and between you and me, he had a bit of a sook. Apparently Renee could only take 1 person with her into a particular nightclub. It was a choice between Dru and her brother Conrad. Wisely, she chose her brother. Dru couldn't believe it. I guess he felt like that schoolboy who is left standing when two captains have to choose their teams………You know – The guy nobody wants. Rejected. But not dejected. He knew the bouncer was only a hurdle on his way to forever after. The days after, Dru worked his magic and the courtship with Renee began.

On Feb 13 this year at the Shaghai racquet club on bended knee and with a tear in his eye Dru proposed to Renee……..… The rest they say is history.

Only the other day when asking Dru what does he remember most of that day, he disclosed to me that when he asked Renee's father for his daughters hand in marriage Mr Singh cried. And I completely understand why.

Seriously though. Dru has been the best brother a guy could hope for. The family loves you very much. We are all very proud of you.

I'd like to welcome Renee into the family. Belinda, Gabes, Tim and I now have another sister. We can't wait to meet our new niece or nephew in January. We know you guys are going to be fantastic parents. Renee, in Dru you have a wonderful caring husband. And Dru, in Renee you have an honest, intelligent and loving wife. Although I think you've come out of the deal better than Renee has. But you already know that.

Now then. My last duty as best man is to offer some timely wedding advice. I looked around for good advice and in my search I came across a book called “the Good Wife Guide”. So Renee listen carefully so I can be sure my little brother will be properly taken care of.

I'm going to read a couple of extracts of text from this genuine 1960’s book and I'm sure you will all agree that taking heed from such advice will stand the happy couple in good stead for the future. Now remember, I've not made these up. They are real extracts from the text of the book.

“When your husband returns home from work, listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first and remember his topics of conversation are more important than yours”.

“Once your husband has had a chance to eat his evening meal, clear away the dishes and wash up promptly. If your husband should offer to help, decline his offer, as after a long working day he does not need this extra work”.

“Once you have both retired to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom as he would for a train”. However, something tells me that Renee is the one queuing to use the bathroom.

“Remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face cream or hair rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for a man last thing at night”.

Lastly, “when it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your wedding vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. It is likely he will then fall asleep, so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night time face”.

I'm not entirely sure that book was written by a female. But I'm certain at least 50% of the people here tonight agree it is sound advice. Knowing Renee, I have to say I don't like your chances Dru. I can lead a horse to water. But I can't make it drink. That is up to you. Good advice Renee?

Before I finish I have a couple of telegrams to read from family and friends. Some that aren't here tonight, most likely because they weren't invited:

1Congratulations Dru and Renee. Love Bob Farken, Gail Farken and the whole Farken family. That family goes to a lot of weddings and I never seem to get tired of hearing from them.
2From the Old Ivanhoe Football Club. Renee, we tried Dru in every position and found him to be useless in all of them. Hope you have better luck!
3The last one is from Nan. How sweet? Marriage is like a beautiful tree. It starts with a good root. Thank you for that Nan.

Ladies and Gentlemen. I want to thank Dru and Renee for having me as best man and I'd like you all to be upstanding for a toast.

“My greatest wish is that the one you really love will never grow old to you. Through the wrinkles of time. Through the bowed frame of years. You will always see the dear face and feel the warm heart union of eternal love”.

Congratulations. To Dru and Renee.