Speech by Campbell Hayden

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Campbell Hayden
Speech Date: Apr2003
A wise man once told me that a best man's speech should last only as long as it takes the groom to make love………so thank you ladies and gentlemen and good afternoon. [Sit down, wait a second &amp then continue]

Hello, my name is Campbell, can everybody hear me okay at the back? If so, I'll have a Pint of Seventy Shilling, thank you. I'm very honoured to be doing this job and in time honoured Best Man tradition I will now do my best to give Andy the most uncomfortable 15 minutes of his life. Which, to be fair, is what he gives Gillian every-time they go to bed.

Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Andy and Gillian that if there is anything slightly risqu&#233, I'll whip it out immediately …

But first things first, it is my pleasure and privilege to respond on behalf of the bridesmaids. And on their behalf I'd like to thank Andy for his kind words and gifts. I have to say that they both look wonderful and have done an excellent job today. I would also like to thank the Ushers who have been a great help in ensuring that the day has run as smoothly as possible. I'm sure you will all agree that Gillian is looking absolutely stunning, and Andy, well you just look absolutely stunned.

Don't worry my speech won't take too long today, because of my throat. Gillian has threatened to cut it if I go on for too long.

And Allan has threatened to cut it if I mention anything about the stag weekend in Dublin.

Andrew Stewart was born in 1978, and I had a quick look on the Internet to see what other events took place that year. 1978 was the year that The Smurfs appeared on TV for the first time. It was also the year that the films Superman and Grease were released also the world's first ever arcade video game, Space Invaders, was launched. But the main event of 1978 was the birth of the world's first test tube baby, and isn't he looking well ladies and gentlemen?

Also, during my research on the internet I also looked into weddings in general, I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself: –

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage

I think Gillian must have done the same research as I did, because as she was walking past me, I'm sure I heard her whisper Aisle…altar…hymn, aisle altar hymn, I'll alter him etc…

Not many of you may know this but Andy likes to do a bit of singing. His first notable performance was during his school days when he used to sing “Once in Royal David's City” at the local church. And since then he has been known to sing karaoke in various establishments in Aberdeen. But undoubtedly the highlight of his musical career was in December 1989 when he reached number four in the UK Charts with “Donald Where's Your Troosers”.

Now, I was there the night Andy met his beautiful new bride. Andy and myself were in a certain nightclub down at the beach and it was quite late on in the evening when Andy noticed the object of his desire. A vision of beauty: with eyes that sparkled, a warm smile, a firm bosom and a great pair of legs. So Andy approached his target and enquired, &quotMay I have the next dance?&quot But sadly I turned him down so he went off and danced with Gillian instead.

I've come to the conclusion that Best Man is just a fancy title for a Nanny!
As the Nanny I've had to ensure that the groom arrives on time, is sober, and looking good. Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad. After all, I'm the best man, not a plastic surgeon!

During the service today, I couldn't help thinking that it's funny how history repeats itself. I mean, 23 years ago Gillian's family were sending her to bed with a dummy [pause] and it's happening again today.

At this point I would like to read out a few cards…

[Read out cards]

As you have found out by now, a best man's speech involves a collection of amusing stories about the groom's past. Although there are a couple of things that are really not supposed to be mentioned at weddings, but I shall mention them anyway: –

First of all, Andy's drink problem – well the main problem is that he can't handle his drink. Mind you his new wife and sister-in-law will be able to give him some good training.

And secondly, Andy's ex-girlfriends – I was warned about the potentially delicate duty of keeping Andy's Ex's at bay today. But fortunately Foot and Mouth got rid of most of them two years ago so no worries there.

So Andy and Gillian you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Andy couldn't have done any better and Gillian couldn't have done any worse.

Now what are these you ask yourselves – well they're Andy's Chastity pants. [Hold up boxer shorts &amp padlock] Gillian has been making him wear these for the past four years keeping his crown jewels securely under lock and key. She thought that only one key had been made. But rumour has it that copies were made of this key by Andy &amp he has been giving these keys out to various ladies over the past few years without Gillian knowing. If anyone out there has any of these keys could we please have them back in now as Andy is married and completely out of bounds to any girl but Gillian. [Wait for keys to come back in] You dark horse Andy! Here's the rest I collected from over in Dublin.

Speaking of Dublin. Unfortunately I am not at liberty to mention anything about the stag weekend, other than to say that the crack was good.

Gillian, can I ask you to place your right hand on the table. Andy, can you place your right hand on top of Gillian's right hand. Gillian can you place your left hand on top and Andy can you place your left hand on top of that. Make the most of it Andy, it's the last time you are going to have the upper hand.

Just before I finish, I have an urgent health and safety warning for you from the owners of this fine hotel. Please refrain from standing on the tables and chairs during my standing ovation.

So to finish, can I say best of luck to you both I really am absolutely delighted for both of you. I hope you have a long and happy future together. And thank you Andy, it's been an honour to be your best man, and I look forward to speaking at your golden wedding celebrations in 2053.

It now gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to the New Mr &amp Mrs Stewart.
To the happiness, health, wealth and good fortune of the happy couple. To the Bride and Groom.

Thank you and enjoy the rest of the day.