Speech by Carl Cottingham

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Carl Cottingham
Speech Date: May 1999
INTRODUCTION

Thank you Joe for those few words.
First of all I would like to thank the Chief Bridesmaid for performing her duties today……… Doesn't she look lovely.
For all of you who do not know me my name is ….Carl "would you like another drink"…..… So, please do not be afraid to say hello to me today.

BIRTH DATE

I would now like to say a few words about the great man!
Joe was born on the 31st January 1967 …..and will no doubt be pleased to know that he shares his birthday with …..Carol Vorderman ….and Pamela Anderson……..but that is all he'll ever share with them.
Joe was born in a year of great human achievement…… scientists devised the Epidural to ease the pain of childbirth………..For all who know Joe.… IT IS WE..… who have been suffering ever since.

EARLY LIFE / SCHOOL

I thought it would be appropriate for me to give those people who don't know Joe, a little bit of background about him.
One of the first things one notices about Joe is the NOISE..…
Usually you see something before you hear it… remember your Physics… light travels faster than sound and all that..…
Not with Joe…… you very definitely hear him before you see him
Fortunately.… I never knew Joe when he was little.
I am told that when Joe was a baby ….he was so ugly that his mother used to tie a bone around his neck …..just so that the dog would play with him.

Joe ….was it seems …the model son, ….rarely naughty, ….kind and considerate. His only vice….it appears….was the storage of bogies behind the headboard of his bed.
Joe tells me that he was exceptionally gifted, …..a very popular student …and he excelled in everything he did …be it sports, …academics …or the arts.
This seems to be slightly contradicted by reports I've heard from his mother. She tells me that Joe was a rather annoying little kid…… who excelled at NOTHING,…… was constantly picked on, ……..and regularly beaten up……….by the TEACHERS
On leaving school Joe attended college on a catering course…….he learnt how to toast bread………heat beans…….fry eggs….and apply brown sauce.

I contacted Joe's catering manager to see if he remembered the great man. It turned out that he did.
From what I gathered, .. it took TWO people to take Joe's place in the kitchen. Those two people are still there today. The catering manager said to me….."We have had Sam and Eller in the kitchen ever since Joe left.".
To give credit where it's due, ……Joe really excells at cooking. He can really cook the finest meals and to the highest quality……..as anyone who has had the pleasure of one of Joe's meals can testify.

KNOWING JOE + LUCY

I have known both Joe and Lucy now for some four years. And in that time thay have been there for me.
I remember when I lost my job, ……….Joe and Lucy were there.
When I was nearly thrown down a vertical drop……..by my wife,… Joe and Lucy were there.
When we went for a day at the seaside………and it rained all day… Joe and Lucy were there.
In fact ……thinking about it…..… you are both a jinx.

Joe first met Lucy 10 yrs ago .…
They got engaged about 8 years ago..…
They have been virtually inseparable ever since!

However I would just like to say to Joe…… you are a lucky groom; ….you've married Lucy today and she's beautiful, …warm,.… loving ….and caring. She deserves a good husband.

So thank god you married her before she found one!

ADVICE

In the days leading up to this marriage I thought it would be a good idea to seek advice from married couples which I can pass on to Joe and Lucy …..so they can benefit from their wisdom.

I shall not reveal these peoples names…… for fear of reprisals….… from their wives!.

Here are the pearls of wisdom.…

Remember that MARRIAGE is not just one word … it is a sentence……you get less for murder!

You have exchanged your wedding rings today, but there are more than 2 rings to a marriage
…..the suffeRing,
…..the enduRing
…..and the tortuRing!

They say "love is blind" …….but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Always remember to tell her those 3 little words…..… "You're right dear".

Getting Married is expensive………..… I'm still paying for it after 22 years.

She knows when you buy her flowers …….it PROVES you're guilty
She'll also remember ….to the second ….when you last bought them.

Always give your wife 3 months notice if you want to go down the pub with the lads… and get her agreement in writing.

SINCERE NOTE

On a sincere note …I would like to thank Joe for asking me to be his best man ….and thank him for his friendship over the years that I have known him.

I would also like to thank Lucy ……for letting Joe ask me ……to be his best man

Before the final toast and messages …I would just like to take this opportunity to share with you what Joe is like when you take him out to a respectable restaurant.
Here are some photographs that were taken secretly by a waiter at the restaurant.
I only hope that Lucy knows what she is letting herself in for.

MESSAGES

TO Joe — We could have been so good together — Love Kate Moss

TO Lucy — We could have been so good together — Love Martina Navratilova

From _____________ in ________________: ….Congratulations on your marriage.

Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom …..mounted.

Love ____________.

TOASTS

And Finally..…

Before I make the toast, I have a few words of wisdom I'd like to pass on.

To Lucy:

If you love something, …set it free.
If it comes back, ….it was, ….and always will be,.… yours.
If it never returns, …it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits in your room, ….messes up your stuff, …..eats your food, …..uses the telephone, …..takes your money, …and never behaves as if you set it free in the first place,……
you either married it or gave birth to it.

To Joe:

Just remember, ….now that you are married .you can ALWAYS have the last say " YES DEAR "

On behalf of the Bride and Groom …I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their day,

.… particularly those of you who have travelled long distances.

I started planning this speech six months ago, …and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long, ….but now it gives me immense pleasure, ….not to mention relief, ….to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Joe and Lucy, .…

Mr and Mrs Gxxxxxxxx no less.

We wish them well for the future …and hope they enjoy a long …and happy marriage.

2nd TOAST

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day,

.… and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.