Speech by Carl Waite

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Carl Waite
Speech Date: Jun 2002
First, I would like to read this announcement from the hotel management…..…
Could you please refrain from jumping on the tables and chairs during the standing ovation at the end of my speech. Thank you

I was a bit nervous about getting up here and speaking to you all, so I prepared a few lines………..now after snorting them, I feel absolutely fine.
I am sure you will all agree that was a lovely service this afternoon.Very moving, so much so, even the wedding cake is in tears.
Today, I am standing here as the best man, and, for those of you who don't know me , my name is Carl or ‘Carl would you like another drink’. Please feel free to come over later when we are in the bar , and say hello.
I would like to take a few moments to say how lovely the bridesmaids look today, and I would like to propose a toast to Jo and Rachael – the bridesmaids.
Well it's an honour to be Andy &Debs best man. It's a bit like having sex with the Ann Widdecombe – an honour, but nobody wants to do it.
As soon as Andy asked me I thought the only problem would be getting a speech together.
They say that the best mans speech is the worst 5 minutes of the grooms day. The worst 5 minutes of the brides day, however, comes later on tonight.

The easiest place for me to start would be, January 1963, the year Andy was born.It was such a long time ago, I thought it would be interesting to try and remember some of the other key events of that year

-President Kennedy killed in Dallas
-Stevie Wonder released his first album – does anyone remember that?
And 1963 was the year of the great train robbery.

It wasn't long before the young Master Parton decided to learn the art of fishing during a holiday at the family caravan. Norman instructed his pupil in the art of bait presentation and casting, but unfortunately did not have enough time to explain the procedure of actually landing a fish.
Sure enough, it wasn't long before the budding angler got a bite…………BUT, instead of reeling the fish in, Andy panicked, put the rod over his shoulder and legged it across a potato field, stumbling in the ruts. What he didn't realise was that the fish, was bobbing along behind him at the end of the line!

Some of Andrews fondest memories are of his parents getting a bit heavy handed with him because he would never go to bed. Mind you he was 14 years old at the time and bedtime was 8 o'clock.One of the ploys Andy used to escape, included , hiding in the linen basket – always good for gaining an extra 15 minutes. Locking himself in the bathroom was a bad idea, as his dad got into a right lather as he tried to break the door down!

The 1st time I met Andy was at Bury College of FE in 1980., when I was about 18.Looking at him now he must have been 24-26 ish.
At college Andy mixed with his colleagues from Macpherson paints, but I tended to go with the non Macpherson group.
He was instantly recognisable, with his human league style hair flick, which covered half his face and one eye. The hair was fashionable, but the legwarmers? – remember those?
Andy maintains that this approach made him a bit of a hit with the girls, who, I am led to believe, on occasions chased him down the street , screaming, mistaking him for Simon LeBon

7 years later, I joined Macphersons in a different department to Andy, but was reassured to discover that ‘Dolly’ had changed little.

Andy and I became firm friends probably 10 years ago when Andy joined me at Johnstones Paints – following the closure of Macs.
By now the carefully buffoned hair had been replaced by a more slick Robson Green approach….and , thankfully, the legwarmers were a thing of the past.

The fact that we remained friends is a miracle.
I once gave Andrews boys, Mathew & Alex – who I may say are looking very smart today – some stink bombs with the strict instructions not to let them off in the house.
Silly me ……..A phone call from a distraught Mr Parton suggested that the innocent gifts had been released on the living room carpet….… with devastating effect.

I understand that Andys workmates could not be with us today and that they were dissapointed at not being able to contribute to the day so, I had a meeting with them last Saturday in the Welcome. They were not a particularly cheerful bunch, but I left them nonetheless, promising to include their comments in my speech.
They informed me that Andys nickname at work is GOD. Mainly because he is rarely seen……….has a holier than thou attitude……….and if he actually does some work ….it is a minor miracle!
The only other audible comments included… stick it…..and…..something about the sun doesn't shine!.

Telegrams
To Deb – shame it didn't work between us, however, if the rumours are true about Andy…..ring me Robbie Williams
To Andy – shame it didn't work out between us….we could have been so good together Robson Green.

Now on Tuesday, the happy couple are off on honeymoon to Morecombe..… Oh sorry…..that was Andys first choice…..mmmm oh yes Majorca, I am sure that all of us will wish them a lovely time away together. And speaking of the honeymoon, I am told this is the period between I DO and YOUD BETTER. I am sure that you would like to join me in wishing them a very happy marriage – and so now it gives me great pleasure, to ask you all to be upstanding, and raise your glasses in a toast to the bride & groom, to a long and happy marriage – Mr &Mrs Parton.