Speech by Carlo Barbieri

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Carlo Barbieri
Speech Date: sep 2003
Oliver will now say Grace. (STOP)
Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to welcome you to this celebration of PAM and Mel's marriage and to announce the order of speeches. The first speech will be delivered by ROBERT brother of the bride, followed by a speech from MEL, then my own speech as Bestman, and after all that, if you are still awake, I will announce the cutting of the wedding cake. I hand you over now to ROBERT brother of the bride. (STOP)
I will now hand you over to the Groom! (STOP)
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, are you all enjoying yourselves??? (Wait for response.) Well I'll soon change that.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, MY NAME'S CARLO, AND FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO KNOW ME – WELL, MY APOLOGIES.
Firstly, on behalf of the bridesmaid and Matron of Honour, I would like to thank MEL for his kind words and gifts. I'm sure you will all agree that KATE and MAUREEN, both look fantastic and have done an excellent job today. I would also congratulate the best-boy Oliver and the pageboy James for doing such a splendid too. So I think a round of applause is in order.
Before getting into things, I must say I have found today's wedding really emotional, even the cake was in tiers!
I congratulate today's vicar for being so liberated. I asked him what he thought about sex before marriage. He said, No problem whatsoever. So long as it doesn't delay the service!
I'd like to begin by thanking MEL and PAM for asking me to be Bestman. MEL has a splendid set of friends, and to be nominated from such esteemed company, is without doubt a great honour.
However to be called the Best man on a day like this, is somewhat of a paradox. For today belongs to only one man, and that's you MEL. No matter the size and generosity of the thoughts and gifts bestowed upon you today, you already have the greatest gift a man can WISH for – the love of a woman as beautiful and as caring as PAM.
Those of you here that have been a Best Man before will have some idea of what it feels like up here. For the rest of you, the best way to describe it, it is rather like being asked to make love the Queen. It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it!
MEL did give me a brief for the speech, he said “be amusing and dazzle them with your wit”. But as I'm not that funny, the best I can do is dazzle you with the light that reflects off my head…
During my research into my speech, I found a paragraph on the three key
elements of the wedding service.
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think PAM must have done the same research, because as she walked
past me, I'm sure I heard her whispering Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn!
It is customary at this point for the best man to launch into a severe character assassination of the groom. But I am far too scared of PAM to do so.
However it is traditional to drag up dirt on the groom, to tell you tales of debauchery and shamelessness, to shock and upset the bride's family and make them wonder quite why they are letting their daughter marry this creature. However as I have been with him during most of his misguided deeds, I will keep tight-lipped! Especially as the misses is sitting next to me!!!!
One of my duties as Bestman was to make sure that Mel's Stag do's went off okay without getting him arrested and, as per Pam's stern instructions, to bring him back in one piece. The main "Stag do" a weekend in Majorca (organised thanks to Mark) was a cultured affair: a few beers in the scorching Spanish sunshine, a civilised meal in medieval splendour, followed by Cocktails in Old Palma town. However the whole evening eventually deteriorated when we reached Magaluf, after drinking pints of Vodka redbull, absinth shots, and watching Sticky Vicky perform some amazing tricks with ping-pong balls!!!
Now I've been married a few years. So I feel a little qualified to give some important advice to MEL. Always remember to get on with your mother-in law. I didn't speak to mine for two years! Don't get me wrong its not that I don't like her, I was just too polite to interrupt!

I first met Mel when he joined Old Actonians football club, some 12 years ago. At the time I was the captain of the 2XI and MEL was playing in the 5XI. I remember asking the captain of 5XI about Mel's ability. He told me that MEL was one paced, useless in every position, and that his tackle wasn't big enough! (I hope you have better luck tonight PAM!) I eventually gave up the armband, and I found myself being selected by MEL who was the 4XI captain. Mel's teams had a reputation for getting stuck into teams and being direct. Being a cultured footballer, and with a reputation to keep, I found myself selected as right back, and playing against the 4XI archrivals Nat West Bank. Within two minutes of the start, I was booked for going through the back of their best player. I looked at MEL's face and I could see a little smile. He realized that he had a player in his side that shared the same drive, determination, and desire to win. Those first two minutes set the tone of the game, which saw us win 2-1, but it was the start of our friendship, and neither of us have looked back since. Over the years we have celebrated a number of league championships and cup final successes together. Today I am honoured to be involved in MEL's biggest prize of all. Winning the heart of such an intelligent and beautiful woman as PAM.
Most of you will know, that MEL and PAM first met in a seedy nightclub in Ealing called the Redrooms! However most of you don't know what happened on one of their first dates. I'm lead to believe that PAM took MEL to a trendy cocktail bar. Apparently PAM turned to MEL and said, “Can you tell me the main ingredients of a Margarita”. MEL stood back and thought for a moment and replied "That's easy – Cheese and tomato!”
MEL you're not only a great mate but a loyal friend. As you know I have always looked up to you as an OLDER brother! I can honestly say that I've never seen you as happy and excited as I have during the past few months. I think you will all agree, MEL and PAM make a great couple, and it's been a real pleasure for us all here today, to share this occasion with you, as you both start the next chapter of your lives together as husband and wife.
On behalf of the Bride and Groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day, in particular those of you who have travelled a long distance to be here. I would also like to thank all those involved in organising today. The service was great, the venue is perfect, the food was outstanding and I know the rest of the day will be a great success.
Finally, I'd like to say to MEL, I am extremely proud to be your Best man and I'm so pleased that you've found the women you want to spend the rest of your life with. I have no doubt that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever.
To round off, it gives me great pleasure, and not to mention great relief, to invite you all to charge your glasses, be upstanding, and join me in a toast……………..To the Bride and Groom.…