Speech by Carolyn Matravers (Peter)

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Carolyn Matravers (Peter)
Speech Date: oct 2003

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

I would like to welcome you all here again today for this happy occasion

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Peter and I'm Adams's little brother – and that just refers to our age difference, and no other physical characteristic.

Briefly to the serious bit on behalf of the Bridesmaids Chloe and Lois, I would like to thank Adam for his kind words. I am sure that everyone present will agree that the Chloe and Lois look lovely, only surpassed by you Sarah, and even Adam has scrubbed up well…

I have to admit to being rather nervous. After all, giving a speech at such an important occasion is like making love to her Majesty – a horrible job but someone has to do it.

And in the time honoured best man tradition – I will now do my best to give Adam the most uncomfortable few minutes of his life.
Which im sure is no more then he gives Sarah most nights
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

Adam Walter Matravers was born on 30th September 1967at Musgrove Park Hospital in Taunton weighing 10lbs 11oz. Adam was not the best looking baby so much so in fact that Mum only started getting morning sickness after he was born!!

Being Adam's younger brother, I did not pay much attention to his schooling and had to rely on the testaments of Mum for his academic abilities and our PE teacher Billy Buscombe about his sporting prowess. Mum told me about me one of Adam's old report , which I must admit looked very impressive, is said that adam was an ideal pupil and excelled in most subjects. It later transpired however that Adam had doctored this report and it should actually have read: Adam is an idle student who is expelled in most subjects. And our PE teacher informed me that Adam took part in a lot of sports, but was crap in all positions. Good luck Sarah.

As Adam moved into his teens he developed a passion for the female form, One day Mum was cleaning his room and came across some magazines which all I can say is were not the Beano or Dandy varity. After the discovery mum made Adam burn the magazines, this he did in ceremonious style. Adam lit a huge bonfire at the bottom of the garden and it took him hours to burn the whole collection as he tore out each page individually (or those he could get apart) and take one last longing look before dispatching it into the flames.

Sarah I must also warn you but I imagine you know already Adam has some trouble controlling his other bodily functions. On one such occasion whilst on cricket tour in Cornwall, Adam much the worse for ware woke up in the middle of the night and mistook a 2nd floor open window onto St Ives high street for the toilet. Needless to say they did not need to hose down the street in the morning!

Adams working life started with a variety of jobs, working on a building site and then on a farm to name a few. He then joined the Army and became affectionately known as Big Bird and passed out at Winchester Barracks. He now works with the other main love in his life called lorry, who Adam tells me has a big set of twin chuffers.

The one thing with Adam is that you always know when he is around as you generally hear him before you see him. However behind his brash exterior, lies a big softie who would do anything for anyone and someone I am proud to call my brother.

The stag day last Saturday was a big success and a good time was had by all, but as the saying goes “what goes on tour stays on tour”. However I am open to bribes and I will be stationed at the bar all night.

Traditionally, this is the time when I give advice on Wedded Life, …so based on personal experience here are some words of advice for the bride and groom: I do apologies in advance Carolyn!

Something for Adam to consider:

The best way to remember the anniversary is to forget it once
Don't forget the three magic words “You're right dear”
A husbands last words when shopping should be “OK…buy it then”

And here is something for Sarah to consider:

Men are like fine wine: It is a woman's job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something you would like to have dinner with.

So Adam and Sarah you've finally got married, for better or for worse, which is quite appropriate as Adam couldn't have done any better, and Sarah couldn't have done any worse.

So finally ladies and gentlemen if you will all stand and join me in a toast to Adam and Sarah the Bride and Groom