Speech by Cathal Steele

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Cathal Steele
Speech Date: Oct2004
Thanks (Name of Groom),

Ladies and gentlemen, Reverend father..… Good evening. For those who don't know me, my name is (Best man) and I am (Grooms name) Best man.

I will begin by breaking with tradition and giving the groom the chance to have a say in the best mans speech.

I have 3 envelopes, in one of them is a speech which contains no stories about (Grooms Name).… Totally clean and totally edited

In the second is a speech with one embarrassing story about the Groom and it has been slightly edited.

In the third is a speech which has all the stories about him, totally un-edited and not the one he would wish to hear.
I will now ask (Grooms name) to pick one…

You can ask the audience, or maybe you want to phone a friend????

(Grooms name) has picked Speech Nr ????

Are you happy with that choice?? You can change it if you wish????

Ok so he's happy!!!

OPEN ENVELOPE

Well I am a man of my word, I promised (grooms name) that I would use the speech he picked.. so you shall all hear the..… The Full un-edited version.

I want to begin by thanking the brides maids for the wonderful job they have done today, and I am sure you will all agree that (Brides name) looks absolutely stunning- and (grooms name), well he just looks stunned.

Before writing this speech I did a bit of investigating into speech writing and public speaking, as I have never done this before.

I am told that the best mans speech should last as long as it takes the groom to perform his marital duties on his wedding night.…

….so actually… (LOOK AT WATCH) I think I have over run already

Obviously my toasts are going to focus on the most important people here today, the people we all feel a great love for and without whom today just would not be possible.

At some stage in the evening, I'm sure we will all be sharing with them our thoughts from this special day and giving them our love and best wishes.

So I would like to propose a toast to…..… THE BAR STAFF

As soon as (grooms name) asked me to be his best man, I was honoured, though I thought the only problem will be getting a speech together, (grooms name) has been a very mature and well adjusted young man since he was 17.

He has rarely been the controversial one making and egit of himself, he usually leaves that to us, but he could not do it, he could not be so well adjusted and mature without one piece of vital kit.… his watch.

(grooms name) watch is his saving grace and its the reason that he goes home as sober as he left.

I see a few puzzled faces……and I am sure you are wondering what his watch has got to do with anything?

When (grooms name)is on a night out; and this is true as there is people in this room who can verify this.… and they are the ones who are sniggering right now as they know what I am going to say……

Around the hour of 12-12-30 (grooms name) alarm will go off, and its time for him to stop drinking, after that it shutters down and off for a pint of water.

Now in order to prevent this happening tonight and on future nights out I have bought him a little present. (PRODUCE WATCH)

This is state of the art, it works by setting the watch to read the alcohol level in your blood and therefore calculates how many pints you have had, it can be set for anything from 2-12 pints.

If he's in the red he's in trouble, in the blue there is room for more, the key is to balance the red and the blue

As we all know, (grooms name) would get tipsy on a packet of wine gums so I did ask them if they had one that had a setting for half pints, they said they did not do girls watches. So he will have to make do.

On the occasion that (grooms name) has slipped he has got himself into serious trouble, so I can see why he sets the old alarm to keep him on the right side,,,,,

once when he came to my house (now I don't know if he forgot to set the old watch or forgot it) but he did get rather drunk, especially as he was drinking the old mountain dew, i.e. Potyien. Now any one who has drunk potien will know that you get drunk from the legs up.

(grooms name) thought he was fine until he stood up to go home and then it hit him. Well the floor hit him.

When he get home eventually, he was so drunk that he threw up all over his parents living room carpet and furniture…, luck for him his parents were on Holidays and never knew a thing about it.. until now..(Its all right (grooms name) only another 10mins to go!!!)

However the lads got wind of the fact that (grooms name) was sick due to the influence of alcohol.. as this was the first time ever… we celebrated by throwing a party in his parents house while he lay upstairs sick in bed.

It wouldn't be fair to give (grooms name) a present and not give the bride something.… I have managed to get my hands on a piece of kit, if used properly it will ensure that the carpets and furnature in their new house remain fresh for many years to come……

(Produce Basin) if you leave that at the front door as (grooms name) is coming in from a night out..… you never should have any problems!!!!!!!!

In relationships as in life (grooms name) has been again mature and well adjusted, on the rare occasion that he step from the mark it has been nasty,

In Dundee (grooms name) once tried to date two girls at once, however the two young ladies in question lived approximately 20ft apart in halls and therefore it was inevitable that they would find out about each other, (I mean how silly can you get Tut Tut!!!!)

Now we have all heard the saying “hell has no furry like a woman scorned”, well when one of these young ladies found out, all hell broke loose.

While (grooms name) lay asleep one night in his room, she sneaked in and shaved one of his eye brows off…… why did he not wake up,,,,

he had been out drinking with the other one and was too drunk to realise what was happening.

After that a couple of other girls took pity on him and for about 3 weeks after the incident he had to get up early every morning and go to their flat and get his eye brow drawn back on,,,

but they had to pluck the other one to even it up, he used to go into uni looking like Boy George

In his uni days, (grooms name) loved his sport.… Well watching it at least.. but he was a keen footballer,

he used to run a team in a Saturday morning league, being the manager you would have thought he should lead by example, but not(grooms name),

he was he only man ever in the history of the team to give away a penalty, injury himself and get sent of in one game…….and that's all in the first 30 secs of the game starting,
Enough about the great man then what about him now,,,,

he could be described as charming, intelligent and entertaining…..and perhaps some day he will..…

he is a man of hidden talents,,,, and as soon as I find one I will let you know,

he personally thinks himself to be a dab hand on the old clubs,,,, despite what he tells you I think he would be much better off taking up the javelin, as he can throw his clubs a lot further than he can hit the ball.
I am told that (grooms name) main problem with his golf game is that he stands to close to the ball…… usually after he hits it.

Most people here know (grooms name) very well and I am sure you will all agree that once you have met him he's a difficult man to forget…… but well worth the effort,

he can also be very infuriating, especially when he sits for hours and watches teletext..… it got so bad that when he was 13 his parents ran away from home.

I asked (grooms name) the other day what he wanted from marriage, he said he wanted to be the model citizen, the model husband and with a grin, the model lover, I did not really know what he meant by this so I looked model up in the dictionary, it said…..… small miniature replica of the real thing.

(grooms name) and (brides name) met in Edinburgh and here they are 5 years later beginning their married life together.

(grooms name) you're a very lucky man! You have married (brides name) today and she is beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring, (brides name) you have got (grooms name)!!!

We may ask ourselves what (brides name) sees in (grooms name)…… I know I do..…

They say love is blind and marriage is a real eye opener… but in this case I think (brides name) blind and she will get a real eye opener.…

(grooms name)lucky to have found a good wife and (brides name), well she deserves a good husband..… unfortunately (grooms name) got to her before she had the chance to find one.

You know its funny how history tends to repeat itself.… 29 odd years ago (brides name) parents were putting her to bed with a dummy, and you know what..… now its happening all over again.

I would now like to read a few cards out.

(grooms and brides name)congratulations..… remember your martial vows “for better or for worse” which is really quite appropriate if you look at the pair of them ((grooms name) couldn't have done any better, and (brides name) couldn't have done any worse)

£20 in the card ( that will help pay for the watch)

This second one is from some of the guys who used to play in the team, (brides name) we've found grooms name to be useless in every position, Hope u have more luck!!!!.

In all seriousness though, my final words to you both are..… I am very proud to be best man here today and I am so pleased that (grooms name) has found such a wonderful and loving wife.

I stared planning this speech a few weeks ago..… and it must feel like I have been delivering it that long, so it gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief to invite you all stand.

On behalf of everyone here, we wish you both the very best for the future…

we hope that your love will be modern enough to survive the times and old fashioned enough to last forever

Ladies and gentlemen “The Bride and Groom”