Speech by Charles Price

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Charles Price
Speech Date: 24/05/2014 13:31:30

 I am very thankful for the into Robbo gave me because it makes me feel a lot less bad about what is coming next.

I want to start off thanking Robbo for asking me to be his best man I am sincerely grateful for that. 

Although he selected me he said, because he thinks I  wouldnt embarrass him – 

Unlike most traditional best man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Robbo and Sally that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

Firstly, we all know Robbo is an Everton fan. For those who know him well – you would have taken your turn being dragged down the pub by Robbo to watch a goalless draw against Fulham on a Monday night – and so as best man I thought it would only be fitting to contact the manager David Moyes and tell him of their No 1 fan's special day…

to my amazement after several letters he got back to me – this is what he said:

Dear Robbo

I have been asked to say a few words – we at everton football club are so pleased for you and sally on your big day.

we are now prepared to let you back in the ground as long as this time you adhere to the conditions of the restraining and keep your clothes on.

 Yours in anticipation David

He also sent some of this seasons everton kit which was kind of him i thought i would wear it in your honour>

I want to thank Robbo's mates for providing me with hundreds of  stories about Robbo spanning back decades. Unfortunately I was told not to say anything that involves pets, sexual perversion or human sacrifice so I had to drop the bulk of them.

Bond

But one theme that kept cropping up, not least from Robbo himself is his resemblance to a well known spy we know – noo not inspector cleaseau – Daniel Craig – the new James Bond! 

I know this from the old days when we were both single and teams of girls would come up to him saying ‘but you could dance in the Bond Films – what happened’?

So I thought I would investigate and see if Robbo really has been Bond all this time?

Danger

We know Robbo is drawn to Danger like Bond. The first clues came from Robbo's dad Mike who suggested Robbo always liked danger said Robbo used to like climbing scaffolding as a kid but fell off and nose dived breaking his nose. 

Then I remembered the time he followed urban poet, scott rogers up a tree but fell off the top breaking a leg – ouch! lucky the other 2 were ok. 

Robbo's love for danger could be seen recently when testing his powers to take interrogation he shaved off his eyebrow just missing his nose only last week. But as good mates do we have had a whip round and managed to get a replacement brow from Q.

Master of Disguise

Bond is the master of disguise – Robbo has worked as a banana smuggler in Oz and a green grocer in Bristol  in fact I went back to look for clues at the greengrocer's but it was a fruitless trip!!!!

Finally the cat was out of the bag literally when Next I asked Sally when she first met Rob came to me in shock after  a rummage around his top drawer – this is what she found – a chest wig.

Sporty

Robbo like Bond – is sporty – at 21 Robbo finished the London Marathon – he tried this year and managed 3 hours, 12 minutes and 9 seconds before he got bored and turned over to watch something else. 

but as as he keeps telling us a shoulder injury nipped his england rugby career in the bud early. 

There is still football – well with that accent there was only one team he could support Everton FC – we know he supports them because he cant play for toffee! 

Exotic locations

Travelled around Oz, Malaysia, Hawaii proposed in Rome

My memories of living with robbo

John and I have been mates since he introduced his Take That collection into the flat in our 20s – “I hold only the highest regard for Robbo. I admire him so much I have a picture of him on my mantle piece. My wife wouldn't dare to take it down… she thinks it stops burglars breaking in” 

generous to a t

always keen to give directions – one lad we lived with had his latest girl in bed with him naked – robbo knocked at the door – if you are bored you know where i am next door – always thinking of others.

Stag do

I have known Robbo a long time and I feel a bit of a father figure to him – i have watched him crawl around on his knees, drink out of a bottle and have cleaned up after him – but enough about the stag do.

‘It's great to see so many of the lads who went on the stag weekend here today. It's a shame that the rest of them couldn't get bail, though. We'll drink a toast to the Brighton Six later. And their brief tells me that they've got a strong case. As long as the horse makes a full recovery, apparently, the farmer will drop most of the charges.

weekend Mike organised for me and the lads to go to Blackpool. The weekend was the usual mix of culture and sophistication. But it also reminded me of how lucky I am, marrying Anna. As I lay in the Jacuzzi, smoking a cigar and drinking champagne, I turned to Roxanne and said, ‘Do you know? My wife-to-be is the most understanding woman I've ever met.

Sal you have put your money on the right horse with robbo – good to his friends a real family lad

Finaly he met his Bond girl – Sally who is a real catch  – 

We knew something was strange where he went to Hawaii and expected to hear about the dream girls he had met – but all we got was how nice the flowers were and the weather was great – wot we didnt know was that Robbo had spent £500 texting and calling his new love Sally – I have only known Sal a short time but enough to know that they are a perfect macth. 

Tips 

Sheena also remember, men are like fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.

On the other hand simon women are also like a fine wine. They will start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache

Oh ONE LAST THING BEFORE I READ SOME CARDS OUT, not a lot of people know this but Sheenas got a NICK NAME FOR simon….yes I found out…….He's called HOLIDAY BOY…apparently he's GOOD WHILE HE LASTS, BUT SHE WISHES HE WAS LONGER.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong

if it werent for marriage men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

the best wat to remember your anniversary is to forget it once

So to wrap this up, I'd just like to say that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with, it's about finding someone you can't live without.

Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for not falling asleep and May I ask you to raise you glasses to Simon and Shenna, also known as, Mr and Mrs Cardwell!!!!!!!

couple of telegrams

sorry we havent got u a gift yet. you know how forgetful i am. happy birthday love aunt alice and thingy

Dear simon, Thanks for the weekends lazing by the pool, I do hope you've made the right choice. Love Michael Barrymore.

hope your marriage proves more straigh forward than ours – see you after recovery from the sex change op. love from auntie graham and uncle edith