Speech by Chis Horsefield

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chis Horsefield
Speech Date: Aug 2001
Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids I would like to thank James for his kind words and may I also say that they have done an excellent job today and look absolutely wonderful.

Good afternoon ladies and gentleman my name is Chris Horsefield and I am the best man for the day. Can I start by speaking on behalf of everybody and thanking Satnam and Raginda for organising such an amazing wedding and I think we can all appreciate how much effort and time has gone in to the arrangements. Can I also of course thank James parents John and Clare who without the years of support, that is financial, emotional and medical James wouldn't be the person he is today.

When James first asked me to be the Best Man I told him that I was deeply honoured, but unfortunately I didn't think that I was the right person for the job. James said to me ‘How about £20′. I said to James ‘James, I can't be bought’, James said to me ‘How about £40’…..(Pause)…..Good afternoon ladies and gentleman my name is Chris Horsefield and I am the Best Man for the day.…

Now when I agreed to be James’ Best Man I looked through some helpful hints on how to be a good best man and one of the things that I noticed was that a best man needs to be Organised, Responsible, Reliable, Energetic, Loyal and of course Humorous. Now its quite apparent that James is a terrible judge of character…..Which leads me nicely on to the portion of the speech where I can demolish his character.

This speech I hope will serve as an introduction to James Mayer for those that don't know him too well and as I am sure you will all appreciate certain elements of James past have been edited from this speech to ensure that it is appropriate for the day and so as not to cause any distress..… well that's what I told James.…

Now I didn't have the pleasure of knowing James during his school days but I have been reliably informed that he was an ideal student and excelled in all of his subjects….sorry that's my mistake….James was an idle student and was expelled from most of his subjects……(Pause).… This brings me quite nicely on to James’ university career were of course I met him and of course he met his new wife.

Now after James introduced himself to his course tutor, on the second year of his course, James studied Land Management which, as I guess you can all imagine, helps him immensely in his career as a Telecoms Salesman…… Maybe it is fair to say that it was James experiences whilst studying “and I use the word studying very loosely” that has put James off a career in Land Management.

One particular incident that springs to mind was James’ close relationship with a Kenyan student ‘Ken’ on his course. Close in the sense that James admired Kens essay writing abilities and James was kindly always on hand to help him tidy up his written English. Now Ken who's father was a tribal elder in Kenya and who's village had donated money to send Ken to Reading University was rather shocked to find himself called into the Dean of the Faculties office one morning to explain similarities in his essay's to those of James’. Two hours later finding Ken on his doorstep threatening suicide, or murder, James’ future skills as salesman came into play. Quoting statistical probability, quontom mechanics and astrology with a straight face, James managed to save both university careers. Now I recently managed to track down Ken, who is a shop assistant at superdrug and James he passes on his sincere regards.

Don't worry James it gets better.

Now quickly glancing over the second year house fire, where James demanded to know of the fireman what the hell he thought he was doing barging into his house like that..… and Cursory brushes with Berkshire Constabulary, it was whilst at university that I and James’ friends became aware of James’ driving skills. I have to say that I was very relieved to see that James was chauferred here this morning and is of course going to be chauffered to his hotel tonight, as James has something of a colourful driving history. Now if I am correct it goes something like this: Two total right offs, one jacknife into a field, one head on collision into a coal lorry resulting in hospitalisation, two bans from driving one for legal reasons and another on medical grounds ‘I did not say sanity’ and a rear end collision in his brand new Alpha whilst staring at two female police officers. I believe the lady officers were very kind in providing you with a statement for insurance purposes.

Now I don't think this speech would be fair if I didn't mention James and the consumption of alcohol. Now James and I shared a house in the third year, but it was whilst on one of his visits to my house in the second year that I noticed how one needs to make sure that James leaves the house before he passes out. On this particular occasion after collapsing on MY bed in MY room after an evenings drinking, myself and two other friends attempted to drag James out of the room and send him on his way. Now after threatening acts of violence and then slipping into a coma, we decided to leave James in the name of safety. James in the middle of night and feeling the call of nature no doubt, noticed a small potted plant on my desk and decided that the walk downstairs was beyond him in his fragile state. Now I guess James’ must have been over confident in his marksmanship that evening as he managed to relieve himself on 6 months worth of assignments, one cheque book, one diary and 2 and a half square foot of carpet…..James I have a confession to make…..Do you remember the times when you thought I poured water on your head to wake you up in the morning…..It wasn't always H2O – I'm joking I just thought it, you can trust me. James and alcohol abroad is also another combination that James is famous for. I sometimes find myself thinking of the occasion during the Munich Beer Festival when James decided to inspect a bronze statute of a wild boar in the centre of Munich Square. James I don't think the boar had ever been mounted from behind quite like that before.

Although James’ final success in finishing university with an acceptable degree is something that his faculty is still investigating. Clearly the most important thing that James came out of
university with, along with his ability to blag his way out of a paper bag, was his new gorgeous wife Karenjit. In fact I think no one would disagree with the fact that James put considerably more effort into winning Karenjit than anything he had ever did at university and may a venture, anything he has ever done since.

James sometimes comes across as a bit of an adventurer and although it pains me to say at the heart of James is an exceptionally Charming, Charismatic, Generous and Warm person and with the good fortune that seems to follow James around some of that seems to have rubbed off in the direction of Karenjit which is by far his biggest success to date.

Well I feel at this point that it is my duty to offer a small piece of advice to the groom and James will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to football, a passion of his.

Be fully committed every week and make sure that you score every Saturday.

However Karenjit assures me that playing away from home could result in a serious groin injury and is definitely the quickest way on to the transfer list.

All that remains is for me now is to say James it has been a great honour to be your best man and I hope we can still be friends after this.

I would like to say to James and Karenjit that ‘may your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever’.

Can we all stand raise our glasses to the new Mr and Mrs James Mayer – To James and Karenjit.