Speech by Chris Abbott

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Abbott
Speech Date: nov 2003
Thanks Mike, and hello everyone. I thought knowing mike that his speech was
going to be evil and vindictive towards me at some point, and as you know it
wasn't so if you would excuse me for five minuets I will go and rewrite
mine. (Maybe screw up paper and throw away). No seriously I did promise mike
I wouldn't say anything like that, but if anyone buys me a few drinks at the
bar later I will spill the beans!.

I've tried to memorise this speech, but forgive me if I resort to my notes
every five seconds. I did ask for a autocue to be set up in front of me, but
apparently the wedding budget doesn't stretch that far.

When Mike asked me to be his best man I felt very honoured to do it. But
when I realised I would have to speak in front of an audience of 50 People
that swiftly changed to terror. I could only compare doing the best mans
speech would be like kissing the queen. It would be an honour to do it, but
no one really wants to!

So what is being best man all about? I haven't a bloody clue. I have never
been to a wedding before!

So to help me I searched the Internet for some advice on how to be a best
man. But ended up getting sidetracked into other Internet sites, which I
won't go into as there are children present. I did how ever come across
(prob wrong choices of words) a best mans checklist which I brought with me
today and I will read to you.

1. Help the groom dress. Thanks but no. if he hasn't learnt by now.

2. Ensure that he gets to the church or this case the registry office on
time, sober, and smart. Well here he is. Two out of three isn't bad.

3. See that any angry ex. Girlfriends are kept at bay. I should think most
of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating.

4. Bring a bag with the following items for emergencies. Aspirin, antacid, deodorant and of course a small bottle of jack Daniels. Unfortunately I
polished it off on my own before standing up to do this speech.

5. Make a speech to the bride and groom.

Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a
nice little room to talk with them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea,
so I am a little upset to now find I have to do this in front of 150
people.

6. The Key is to find a best man who is resourceful, energetic, and
diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems.

As you can see Mike obviously has an appalling judge of character. Its
either that or he couldn't find anyone with those qualities and reluctantly
chose me instead.

Now I come onto the point where I can diminish his character.

Mike and I go back some 11 long and weary years, some 11 years too many in
my opinion.

I met him on the first day of the new school term in year eight. One of
those dates that stick in your head for some reason, along with the sinking
of the titanic, the battle of Somme or the shooting of John F. Kennedy.

But we hit it straight off and have been great mates ever since.

I am so glad to have met mike at Kings School, because it made those long
weary school years pass a little faster. Like mike doing his own alternative
chemistry experiments, or missing exams so we could finish or game of
football.

One thing I did learn at school was history, probably because mike wasn't in
my class to distract me, didn't stop the two James though.. So I will show off my History knowledge now.. Did you know that this same day as mike &
kizzys wedding in 1066 was the battle of Hastings. Lets hope that the newly
wed Mr & Mrs Hastings don't have any bedroom battles tonight.

Mike also discovered girls earlier than I did … that's because while I was
worrying about English exams, he was copying my work, leaving him free to
pursue girls to his heart's content. Put it this way – he'd discovered bike
sheds before I even knew what bikes were.

In fact because he was spending time with his school sweet heart, terminator
as she was known. He never had time to do his science assignment, which was a part of his final G.C.S.E grade. Me being the mate I am let him copy mine, which he
did word for word just changing the odd is and but. So I was gutted when we
got our grades to find mine was a grade 7 and his was a grade 9 for the same
piece of work.

Unfortunately though none of mikes ex-girlfriends are here today, which is a
shame because they have sadly denied us some quality entertainment as a
result. But as over the years Mike he has had several girlfriends and now that
he is a married man I would request that any old flames still holding any of
mikes house keys to please return now. (handed out keys before speech without mike knowing to random women, mother in law, bridesmaid & a gay bloke classic)

I have some telegrams and e-mails to read out

My darling kizzy, we could of been so good together, call me if he goes off
the boil, love Robbie Williams.

Kizzy. WHY? WHY? WHY? Love Ricky Martin

Mike WHY? WHY? WHY? Love Ricky Martin.

And finally one from Market Carpets, They wish you both well on your wedding
day, they are however sorry that they didn't manage to lay your carpet today
but they are certain that you will get your under felt tonight.

(Pass Mike a "this is your life" kind of book with all the love letters we intercepted from his first love Terminator.)

Always said I would give you this on your wedding day. It's a book of a few
of the love letters that mike and his first love terminator used to write
each other.… morning noon and night. Curious as us lads were to the
content of these letters we intercepted a few of them.. unfortunately the
hand writing is that bad!! only mike can understand what is in them. It looks
like someone had dunked a spider in a pot of ink and let it walk around on a
sheet of paper. I am Shaw though if anyone wants to see them later on Mike
will translate them for you.

Now for those of you who don't know mikes stag weekend was held in Liverpool
last weekend. Just as well as it has probably taken him all week to recover
after Friday night alone. My job as best man though was to keep the groom
out of trouble which was no easy task considering Mike wanted to tell every
scouser that he was an Arsenal fan. You can guess in Liverpool that went
down like the titanic. So I had to keep him out of trouble and make Shaw
he gets home in one piece. Which I did, but as for me I ended up in a
police station after only being in Liverpool for two hours, and ended up in
hospital later on.

I did learn a new thing or two about mike that weekend though, I never knew
he was such a keen autograph hunter or bingo player.

That weekend was in fact the nearest the two of us have ever come to a fight. It was the first time in 11 years he punched me …….… merely for trying to handcuff him to a
bar which I thought was most unreasonable.

Liverpool tourist board, and fire brigade have sent to me some items of
mikes from the weekend to pass back to him they are.

1. Inflatable blond doll, she was 6ft tall but has unfortunately shrunk
after being covered in lager, when mike decided to take out half the pub
while attempting to pole dance. I am sure she looked better last weekend – it must be true what they say about the beer goggles then!
2. Bolt cropped handcuffs

3. One ladies….I think it's a pair of knickers size 28.

4. And a can of air freshener kindly given by the owners of the International Inn where we stayed in Liverpool for your future use Mike, as they haven't been able to use our room since we left due to the mixture of odours originating from the bathroom

A word or two about Debbie the bridesmaid mustn't be forgotten, of course.
Now I know what you're thinking, but you'd be wrong. It is apparently quite
difficult to pout, look pretty, and hold flowers all at the same time,
especially for an hour, and I'm sure you'll agree she's performed such a
role splendidly.

I would also like to say a few words about Kizzy. We can all see how
stunningly beautiful she looks today, and Mike you don't look so bad
yourself!

She's a lovely person and deserves a good husband, and I can see how good
these two are together kizzy definitely brings out the best in Mike.

I am sure you would also join me in thanking them for inviting us all to
share their special day with them, and helping to spend 8 grand of their
money. Condemning their early years of wedded bliss to poverty, hardship,
destitution and debt.

I would however like to pass two pieces of advice.

One to enjoy your wedding day as it is like arsenal winning the European
cup. it will only happen once.

and my second piece of advice is to kizzy and that is to keep mike away from
the chip pan!
On a serious note though I am truly truly honoured that you asked me to be
your best man, and thank-you for letting me diminish you character like
this. Hopefully by doing this no one else will ask me to be best man again!
It has been an honour, albeit the most terrifying experience of my life.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day, particularly those who have travelled long distances. On
behalf of myself, I wish you'd all stayed at home because things would have
been much easier on me. I conceived and started planning this speech 9 months ago, and you must all feel like I've been delivering it equally as long, but now it gives
me immense pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and
raise your glasses in a toast for Mike and Kizzy, Mr and Mrs Hastings. Who
deserve to be here with each other today (and I do mean that in the nicest
possible way). We wish them well for the future, and hope they enjoy a long,
happy, and fruitful marriage. Mike and Kizzy…

Off to bar!!!!!!!