Speech by Chris Ashworth

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Ashworth
Speech Date: Oct 2001
Ladies and gentleman, friends and relatives. my name is Chris and I am ste's best man, he told me if I'm any good I can be best man at his next wedding.
This speech you're about to hear has been specially edited for this occasion, the uncut version will be available in the bar later. I've practised this speech in a gay bar in town so apologies to ste's brothers who may have already heard it.

On behalf of the bridesmaids and ushers a big thank you to Stephen and steph for there kind words and presents. I'm sure you'll agree Jennifer, Jane, Mandy and Tina look fantastic and have done a great job making this an extra special day for steph and ste, a big thanks also to Neil Wxxxxx, Ste Lxxxxx and Phil for carrying out the ushers duties today, and well done to Abby the flower girl and the page boys Andrew and Adam .

And I'm sure you'll agree with me that xxxxxxx looks absolutely stunning, and ste looks absolutely stunned.

FORNICATION, sorry for an occasion such as this it is customary for the best man to tell the brides family about the kind of man their little girl is marrying, and we've been friends for a long time so I now him pretty well and over the years we've been through a lot together, we were just saying earlier how glad we were none of them had turned up.

I'll start at the beginning.… stephen was born on the 30th of November 1974 , this was the year free family planning was made available on the NHS, just 9 months too late though , most of Britain was on a 3 day working week, I think this affected ste because he still tries to make 3 days work last a week.

When Stephen was born lily was amazed at much he looked like his dad, then the doctor turned him the right way up and all was well. After Philip and Stephen were born, the proud parents thought we must be able to do better than this, so they had another 3 goes at it and that's how ste ended up 1 of 5 lads.

It seems stephen was a model son, his only vices were an inability to sit still for more than 30 seconds, sticking bogies behind the headboard and wearing his superman costume would throw himself off the tallest piece of furniture he could find. He was very close to Philip at this young age and would follow him wherever he went, even to the toilet.

Eventually he went to pinehurst avenue school, and at first he never had any friends until NEIL WXXXXX took pity on him, put his arm around ste's neck and said “lends 10p for 2 ounces of cola cubes”. There friendship blossomed from there as did Neil's debts. NEIL is still a close friend and part time sparring partner.

Stephen soon developed a ferocious temper, which earned him the nickname MACENROE, and the least little thing would set him off like someone slurping a drink or smacking their lips when they eat. DEMONSTRATE so will you all join me in a quick slurp for ste.

Ste and the family were living in ince avenue by then, and ste was enjoying all that childhood had to offer playing football, water fights , climbing the cemy wall and his favourite hobby running in front of moving cars, after he was knocked over twice he decided to give up this activity under strict instruction from his mother,

Well he managed to survive the early years and moved up to big school were he developed an interest in girls and clothes, and GIRLS CLOTHES. But more about that later.

He also found his hidden talent for football, which many people say has remained hidden. He started playing Sunday league for OLYMPIC, and his moment of glory came in the EDDY PARK final, when the ball whacks him in the face, he was just about to fall on the floor and start crying when someone shouts IT'S GONE IN, at this point he makes a full recovery and runs up the pitch celebrating the winning goal like he's just scored the winner in the from 30 yards in injury time in the Derby.

His moment of shame came when playing for the school he was sent off for punching and knocking out one of the other players, unfortunately he was on Ste's team. I spoke to a few lads Ste played footy with over the years and the general opinion was he was useless in every position, hope you have better luck with him xxxxx.

It was all this sporting activity which his mum blames for the constant colds ste was having, how else do you explain the piles of toilet paper under his pillow.

As he got a little older he could often be seen hanging round the offy asking the older kids to buy him a bottle of cider, which he would drink as quick as possible ready for the projectile vomiting competition, if it ever becomes an Olympic sport he'll do our country proud, no could get near him; and no one wanted to go near him; well except for the copper that found him crawling up utting Ave. on his hands and knees talking Spanish , he was taken home and eventually spent the night in alder hey.

His next encounter with law came one sat afternoon in HMV when stephen was left holding a bag for a mate, unfortunately the said bag contained some BORROWED albums, and I know for a fact ste was more scared of what his dad would do than the police, his dad was absolutely disgusted that his son had been caught.
And was all the family heart ache worth it for BONEY.M, BARRY MANILOW and GREATEST HITS OF SHOWADDYWADDY.

It was just after this incident that we became friends with a chance meeting, when myself and Phil were putting out the vibe to two girls across the road, and wanting to be cool and aloof, we sent ste over to them, he had a way with woman even at this young age and instinctively knew what to say. A GIRL MY MATE FANCIES YOU WILL YER GER OFF WITH IM. It was a resounding success and blossomed into a deep and meaningful relationship of about 11 days. So a big thanks to ste for that.

A short time after this ste took a job in a local chippy, while Still managing work hard in school. He told me one of his reports said “stephen is an ideal pupil who excels in most subjects” what it actually said was “stephen is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects”. He didn't let this get him down and worked hard in the chippy although the greasy atmosphere caused havoc with his skin, I personally think it was all the glue he was sniffing at the time and the late nights waiting by the bingo to mug the pensioners.

So when ste left school he tried a few different jobs until he finally followed his role model into the electrical trade, he used to hope and dream that one day we would work together, I would just smile and nod.

Well he served a good apprenticeship were he was wound up and abused at every opportunity, like the time all the fellas were talking about what they were getting each other for Christmas, ste asked me what he should buy his workmates, I told him it was a windup, to ignore it. But he bought them pressies anyway and what did they have for him nothing, except for more stick and abuse.

Well eventually ste felt confident enough to take on a foreigner for his dad, and cocked the lights up good and proper, I'd just finished working away when he asked me to lend a hand. Now bear in mind he'd spent 5 nights after work trying to get the lights working, on the way to the job he says to me “try and drag it out a bit I don't wanna look a divvy in front of me dad”, like any good friend I said “OK ste no problem” 15 minutes later were on our way home.

Well ste persevered with his apprenticeship and finally the time came for a 3 day trade test in Blackpool, now normal preparation for this is an early night and a bit of revision. Not for ste he goes out and gets paralytic, forgets were he is gets in a taxi and asks for ince avenue, anfield. Lucky for him the driver doesn't feel like driving to Liverpool and sets about explaining to ste were he is. Ste is having none of it and starts giving the driver abuse, eventually remembers were he is waves the key to the B+B at the driver and somehow gets there safely.
Amazingly ste passes his test and becomes a qualified electrician, within a week of coming out of his time he's abusing apprentices as every good electrician should sending them for long stands, sky hooks, glass hammers and buckets of gas.

Ste entered a phase of his life I call the CELL BLOCK H stage, no he didn't like the program, all his girlfriends looked like they could have starred in it. This went on for a few years until he was lucky enough to meet Stephanie, and I believe this is one of the best things that has ever happened to him, apart from Liverpool winning five trophies last season.

So he first went out with steph on 17th February 1999, it's one of those dates I'll never forget like the day when Kennedy was shot, or the titanic sunk, or when Philip went out without styling his hair.

So there romanced blossomed, and ste was the happiest I've ever seen him( was that right xxxxx) so it didn't come as much of a surprise when he told me they were getting married. Then he paid me the ultimate compliment and asked me to be his best man, ahead of 4 brothers, a handful of close friends and several pub managers who all thought they were in with a shout.

I was absolutely honoured to be asked and what else could I say to my best mate, but yes.

So I began doing a bit of research into the duties of the best man:
1. get the groom to the church on time sober and in 1 piece – mission accomplished
2. keep angry ex girlfriends at bay-well the foot and mouth outbreak, plus the recent extension to ashworth top security mental hospital has done that for me.
3. Make sure the groom is dressed properly and his fly is done up – that's his mothers job not mine.
4. make sure his hair is tidy and face is arranged properly – if god couldn't get it right what chance have I got.

So I set about writing this speech, and I checked with steph did she have any requests
1. no stag do photos of ste with his meat and two veg hanging out
2. no stag do photos of ste with his meat and two veg hanging out

so if you reach under the table you should find a photo of ste looking almost as good as he does today. ( photo of the stag in drag handcuffed outside a bar)And thirdly

3. xxxxx ask me to say now she is a married woman can anyone who has keys to her house, please return them.10 keys returned by male and female members of audience

It is also the best mans job to take care of the groom on the stag do, and as you can see from the photograph he was well taken care of. When we showed him his outfit he was wearing he didn't put up much of an argument he just put it on, the dress, the feather boa, the pearl necklace, clip on earrings and makeup but he refused to wear this little knapsack, we couldn't understand why, then we realised it didn't go with his shoes.

I think everyone who went to Newcastle had a great time and Ste was an excellent sport. I would like to thank Allan and Keith Dunne for helping me pick Ste's outfit, and also a big thanks to Ste Leonard who tried a few different outfits on in the charity shop just to make sure they'd fit the stag. I'd also like to thank my girlfriend Joanne, for preparing the photographs of ste and the displays of ste and xxxxx.

So we had the rehearsal the other night and Ste was fine and even today he hasn't shown a bit of nerve, although, I went the toilet in his mums before we left and had to pull this out. (BRICK)

Its funny how history repeats itself I bet it only seems like yesterday that Graham and Pauline were sending xxxxx to bed with a dummy, and here we are again today,

I am starting to run out of material now so I'll read a few cards and we can all have drink.

Steph we could have been so good together …..from George Clooney
Ste give our love another chance …..from Dale Winton

All jokes aside now Ste is really a great fella, he is always there when he needs you;

and think we all know by the friends and relatives who have turned up today from all over the country, just how special these two people are to us all.

So will you all join me in toast
I wish you all your hearts desire, and a long and happy life.
MR AND MRS xxxxxx.