Speech by Chris Bowes

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Bowes
Speech Date: sep 2003
Chris's Best Man Speech
Jamie and Charlene
28th June 2003

When Jamie asked me to be his best man, organise a stag night, get him to the church on time and say a few nice things about him I felt honoured, but suggested he might be better of with someone else. Then he offered me £20… I said I was a man who can't be brought, then he offered me £50… Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, for those who don't know me my name is Chris and I am lucky enough to be Jamie's best man.

Seriously for those of you who really don't know me I am a complete novice at public speaking. And I have an overwhelming urge to prove it to you today.

Now, if there's anybody here this afternoon that's feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy at the thought of what lies ahead; it's probably because you have just got married to Jamie Squires.

Being the best man you have to help out in all sorts of ways to ensure everything runs smoothly for example In the run-up to today, Jamie and Charlene had a bit of an issue with the seating plan, because they really couldn't decide who to put where. So as best man, I offered to step in and help work something out. What we finally decided was to use the wedding present list, and put those who gave the most cash or vouchers nearest the front, and work it back from there. So if they can hear me at the back there, thank you to Mick and Shirley for the five-pound postal order.

Well I think all went well this morning in getting Jamie ready for his big day. The condemned man ate a solid, hearty breakfast and arrived at the church on time and sober. The one disappointment would have to be failing to arrange his last request as a single man, due to strong protests from the do-gooders at the Sheep Welfare Council.

Before I start the customary character assassination of the groom, I would like to congratulate Charlene on her meticulous if not military planning for this wedding. I'd like to thank her for the numerous lists, phone calls, messages and orders I have received over the last few months. However I really had to draw the line this morning when she instructed me to apply Vaseline to Jamie's ring. We are friends Charlene, but we aren't that close.
I think we all agree that Charlene looks absolutely gorgeous today. And wearing that fantastic white dress she won't have any trouble identifying where Jamie spat or dibbled his food on her during the meal.
Jamie, I think you've done extremely well. You've found someone who's beautiful, clever, charming, funny, loving and caring. And Charlene, well, you've got … Jamie. Who said marriage has to be a partnership of equals?

There are some stories you can tell at a wedding and then there are others that might be interesting to tell, but can't really be told. The ones that Jamie invented about himself for the Reader's Letters section of Razzle would be a perfect example.

Everybody here knows Jamie for different reasons. Some of you know him as a loving relative, some misguided fools know him as a great footballer, but I know Jamie as a true friend. Jamie and I have been true friends for years. But ‘friend’ is so commonly used, that the other day I really tried to pin-down what's properly meant by it. Turning to the dictionary, a friend is defined as someone whom you are attached to through affection and esteem, they are a favoured companion, a supporter and an ally, and they are well rounded and solid. After checking I hadn't looked up the word ‘penis’ by mistake, I concluded from that Jamie was indeed a true friend. But to be fair, he's also a bit of a knob as well.

In fact my first impression of Jamie was a guy with a really distinctive sense of fashion style and, being young and impressionable, I started to copy him in the sorts of things he used to wear – until my mother grounded me for taking clothes from her wardrobe

As you can probably tell; I am very nervous about making this speech so I asked Jamie how he managed when he played football in front of thousands of people. He simply said, just wrap up warm and get the best seat on the bench. I'm not saying Jamie was a substitute a lot, but he is the only footballer I know that has been out injured for splinters.

Now looking at Jamie and Charlene today, I'm sure you would all agree they are the perfect couple ‘pure and simple’. Yes ladies and Gentlemen, Charlene's pure and Jaime's simple. Come on he not the sharpest pencil in the box – I remember sitting in Pizza Hut with him once, when the waiter brought over his pizza. He asked Jamie if he wanted it cut into 4 or 8 slices. He said you better make it 4 I couldn't manage 8. He thought Ellesmere Port was a table wine, Sheffield Wednesday was the day after shrove Tuesday and Alfred Hitchcok was a jockstrap. Come on what kind of a guy scores an own goal at Wembley.

Anyway moving swiftly on I suppose I should let you know, Charlene that Jamie sees certain aspects of marriage as a bit like football. So I feel I should pass on the following advice.

Always be wary of the tackle from behind
He'll change ends after 45 minutes
And he'll play away 20 times a season.

But Charlene don't forget if he's not performing up to scratch you can always pull him off.

As I am not yet married myself I decided to seek the guidance of my own my own Dad when giving you advice on marriage. He told me to remember that there are three types of sex in a marriage; All over the house sex, bedroom sex and hallway sex. All over the house sex occurs in the first year or so of marriage. It's when you'll do it anytime, anywhere, in any position for any reason. Bedroom sex develops later, and is when you have sex on a Saturday night in the bedroom (If you're lucky!). Hallway sex is in the later stages of a marriage. This is when you pass each other in the hallway and scream ‘screw you’

Well if you have enjoyed listening to this speech as much as I have enjoyed giving it please except my most sincere apologies.

I started planning this speech 12 months ago and it feels like I have been delivering it just as long. But now it gives me great pleasure (not to mention relief) to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast for Jamie and Charlene. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long happy and fruitful marriage.

Mr and Mrs Squires – The bride and Groom