Speech by Chris Catt

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Catt
Speech Date: 11/01/2011 18:58:24

Good afternoon, Ladies and Gentlemen. I would first like to thank you all for coming today and helping to make Ben and Lisa's wedding such a memorable and special occasion.

Personally, I wish you'd all stayed at home and made my job less nerve wracking.

I hope you are all enjoying what has been a brilliant wedding celebration; unfortunately every silver lining has a cloud, so here I am.

I'd like to start off by congratulating the happy couple Ben & Lisa, anyone who has been lucky enough to spend time in their company, know what a great couple they are.

Lisa, you make a beautiful bride….And Ben………… you're a lucky man.

Before I undertake the customary duty of giving Ben an uncomfortable few minutes I would like to thank the bridesmaids, Rachel and Beck… I have to say they all look wonderful and have done an excellent job.

They completed their main job admirably, which was getting Lisa here on time – no mean feat as I understand she put up quite a struggle………. Pause

I believe my main responsibilities for today were…

To ensure that the groom arrives on time.… sober…..and looking good…….

Well 2 out of 3 isn't bad… After all I'm best man… not a plastic surgeon!

I've got a pretty traditional speech here and the first thing It's traditional for the best man to do in his speech is let everybody from the bride's side know what sort of man their daughter has married.

Ok here goes….Ben is caring.. loving…funny….charming…generous…successful

                         and squint 

Ben….… what's this say……..… I'm really struggling with your handwriting.

It wouldn't be too far off the mark to say.… that I could shovel more dirt on the gentleman seated here than a Taliban Cave digger.

Well… I will start at the start……..I decided to look up Ben's date of birth on the Internet to see what momentuss events took place on his birthday.

Unfortunately nothing much seems to have taken place……although the nurses on the ward where Ben was born still refer to that day as “Ugly Thursday”!

So it shouldn't be too hard to believe that he was a deeply ugly baby…So ugly in fact that when he was born the midwife had to be restrained from slapping both our parents.

I always thought it was strange that our Nan used to knit Ben all those full-face balaclavas for winter

Interestingly enough looking at Ben's past…

I want to concentrate on Ben's early employment…

Most of Bens’ earlier jobs when he was growing up seemed to revolve around food 

A doubled edged sword for Ben! Surrounded by one of his main passions in life

But it also unfortunately meant… he had to face his own personal occupational hazard ….

That he could at anytime be sacked for eating on the job!!

This is also where he met the love of his life…Lisa

I use to go and see Ben while he was working…..

And help him wrap up the knife and forks ready for service…

And every time Lisa use to walk out from the kitchen or bar he use to nudge me and say “there she is, she's well fit!”.… needless to say he soon caught that attention of her too.

Maybe it was his wit?….hmmm, maybe not…..maybe it was his dancing prowess at the Christmas meal…..maybe not

I guess it will have to remain….… like why men have nipples… and women go to the toilet in pairs .… One of life's great mysteries

Ben has had many passions in his life.… Fishing.… shooting and football being just a few,

Though he was very keen on getting fully camouflaged up head to toe..

And crawling through the undergrowth in a nearby heath

And jumping out on un-suspecting passers by shouting ‘Your money or your life’ and then running………

This has stayed with him and now he's passed his driving test he's been able to get to a lot more heaths and commons,

Though why he comes back with steamy windows I don't know?

He has since taken up the less dangerous sport of golf….

I personally think he would be better off taking up the javelin…

As he can throw his clubs a lot further than he can hit the ball…..

I'm told that Ben's main problem with his golf game is that he stands to close to the ball …

Usually after he's hit it!

I would like to give Ben some advice on what people thought were the ingredients to a long and happy marriage so here are a few:

                       Turn and look at Ben

Firstly, set the ground rules and establish whose boss…and then do everything Lisa says!

Secondly, never be afraid that Lisa will leave you – she's spent time training you, she's not going to throw that away lightly!

Thirdly, never forget to say those 3 little words every day for the rest of your life – “YOU'RE RIGHT DEAR!”

Whenever you're wrong, be a man and admit it…….

…
Whenever you're right, just say nothing!

Ben you are a very lucky man!

You have married Lisa today and she is beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring.

She really deserves a good husband. And in you she had definitely found one.

28 odd years ago Lisa's parents were putting her to bed with a dummy..

And it's happening all over again tonight!

Ben and Lisa…

On behalf of everyone here I want to thank you for all the fun we've had

And all the fun we still have ahead of us.

You know how to enjoy every hour of life and I want to thank you for sharing it with us.

You're among friends who want the very best for you both and we wish you all the happiness in the world

Ben… it's an honour to stand here today as your Best Man..

You and Lisa make a terrific couple…

And I know that however things change, and whatever fate rolls your way..

You'll make the most of everything you have.

God bless you both, and may the life ahead of you be all you have ever dreamed of.

Lisa…

This guy will be a true friend……I know this…… He's a good man.

And I know that by becoming his wife, you've also made him something else: a very lucky man.

So I want to wish you both the very best.

And I'm sure everyone here would like to wish you the same: a long, happy and prosperous future together. Good luck to you both and God bless you.

So it now gives me immense pleasure

To invite you all to stand once more and raise your glasses in a toast for Ben and Lisa. 

We wish them well for the future. To love, life, laughter and happily ever after… Mr and Mrs Catt.