Speech by Chris Collins

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Collins
Speech Date: Jun2007
Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I would like to thank you all for coming such a long way to celebrate the marriage of Lee and Clare. For those of you who don't know me, I'm Lee's brother Chris and I'm truly honoured to be Lee's best man today. A wise man once told me that the best man's speech should last as long as it takes for the groom to make love. Thank you and good night. I do have a safety announcement to make – Please no jumping up and down on the tables during my standing ovation at the end of the speech.

I'd like to ask you to be patient with me this evening. Like most best men I'm pretty nervous about this but I have got a lot riding on it. Lee told me if I do a half decent job today, I can be best man at his next wedding. I think being a best man can be a very nerve wracking experience. If there's one person here this evening feeling nervous, apprehensive and queasy about what lies ahead, then it's probably because you've just married Lee.

I would just like to warn you that I have had some help preparing this speech from my granddad but don't worry I promise not to include any of his jokes. Anyway I'd like to start traditionally and thank Lee on behalf of the lovely bridesmaids Kate, Nicky, Brenda and Laura for his kind words and can I say what a great job they have done and how wonderful they all look. I would also like to congratulate the happy couple and say that Clare you look stunning, Lee you just look like the rest of us.

Lee and Clare met on a blind date in November 1998. They were set up by Darryl and Brenda and went to a local Chinese restaurant. Things didn't flourish straight away, it took a further two years of friendship before they began seeing each other that's courting for a lot of you!. Their first date wasn't until the 9th May 2000 when Lee took Clare to a posh restaurant in Manchester where he bought their first bottle of champagne. Clare has had a taste for it ever since.

Right, stag do! Riga, Latvia. We all had a great time, thanks very much. No seriously we did. We got involved in plenty of local activity, probably the most memorable day was when we caught the train to the beach. We set up camp outside a beach bar which sold beer for less than a pound a pint and continued drinking there for several hours. After leaving my dad and Johnny Woods drinking Polish vodka with some locals, someone thought it a good idea to go for a game of football with a bunch of Latvian teenagers. Can you imagine us lot, 35 degrees, 15 pints of lager playing football? What can I say? They spanked us 18 nil. The only consolation for the stag was that we decided the next goal would win the game. Would you believe Lee scored that goal and we ended up winning the game one to 18.

Now I could go on about some embarrassing moments in Lee's life like the fact that when Lee has had a bit too much to drink, he tends to sleep on his bathroom floor close to the toilet. Clare has become quite used to this and even makes him take a duvet and pillow in with him. Or how about on a trip to Spain to deliver a car, the car had the wrong number plates on and he got stopped by the police. Lee gave the police our dad's telephone number to straighten the matter out but when the police called at 2am, he wasn't best pleased and told him to call back during office hours as the relevant paperwork was unavailable until the next morning leaving Lee playing mummies and daddies in a cell for the night. Or how about this one? Lee and a couple of his friends pretending to be Manchester City football players in a club in Liverpool, trying to blag their way into the VIP area. They finally got in and stood round for twenty minutes by a table full of booze. Eventually Lee plucked up the courage to pinch a few bottles, only to find out he had nicked two bottles of root beer.

Now on a slightly more serious note, Clare has asked me not to say anything but I feel it might duty to share it with everyone here tonight. Lee nearly didn't make it here today. He's been having regular sessions at a private clinic back in England. He'd been suffering with premature ejaculation. Apparently at one stage it was touch and go!

As you will all agree Lee and Clare make a fantastic couple and really are best friends. They share a lot of the same interests and have many things in common. Clare certainly deserves a good husband, thank god Lee married you before you found one. Clare is great, she is loving, intelligent, beautiful and a really good kisser . . . errr . . . apparently. And Lee is even more loving, more intelligent, more beautiful and what does that say Lee? I can't read your writing.

Seriously though, I would like to thank everybody once again for coming such a long way today. I know how much it means to Lee and Clare that so many people have turned up. One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. I think that's very true in Lee and Clare's case and I really do wish you both all the success in the future.

Ladies and gentlemen, my throat was dry when I began this speech, it's even drier now and I can think of no better remedy than to drink to the health, wealth and eternal happiness of the newlyweds. So please fill your glasses and rise to drink a toast to the newest Mr and Mrs Collins, Lee and Clare.