Speech by Chris Davies

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Davies
Speech Date: aug 2002
Well, as Groucho Marx once said ¡¥After an introduction/reception like that, I can barely wait to hear myself speak!¡¦

For those of you who don¡¦t know me, my name is Chris and I¡¦m Simon¡¦s younger brother. For those of you who would like to know me better, I¡¦m staying in room 12.

Before I go any further, when I was preparing this speech Ceri told me that this speech should last no longer than it takes for the groom to make love¡Kso thank you all very much for coming and I¡¦ll see you later (SIT DOWN).

Ladies and Gentlemen, FORNICATION. Sorry, FOR AN OCCASION of this magnitude it is tradition for the best man to say a few words. I must say that it is a great honour and a privilege to be asked to do this today.

As you may have already gathered, this is made up around a bunch of pathetic jokes¡Knot unlike the Liverpool football team.

Although you may be expecting this speech to be full ¡¥Carry-On¡¦ style innuendo, I¡¦m afraid it isn¡¦t. I came up with a great one last night and tried to slip it in, but my girlfriend told me to take it out.

Someone gave me some advice a few weeks ago and said the best way to make yourself comfortable when making a speech is to imagine everyone in the room is naked. However, after surveying you lot, I¡¦ve decided to give that one a miss.

On a serious note, I¡¦d like to extend my gratitude to the bride and bridesmaids, and I think everyone would agree how fantastic they look today. I¡¦d also like to say how good Simon looks, but I¡¦m not one to lie so I won¡¦t.

I¡¦d like to congratulate the bridesmaids on the remarkable job of making sure that Ceri didn¡¦t change her mind. And I¡¦d like to thank the ushers for making the effort of getting dressed-up and also the vicar for a beautiful service and impressing me by the size of his organ.

Apparently, the key to finding a good best man is to appoint someone who is resourceful, energetic and diplomatic, and one who will not offend or create problems. As you can see, Simon is obviously an appalling judge of character.

When I discovered that I was to be best man today, I decided to look on the Internet. After a couple of hours I finally found some really good stuff, but then I remembered that I was supposed to be looking for best man tips.

The tip that intrigued me most was my responsibility of keeping ex-girlfriends at bay. I should think that most of them are far from angry ¡V they¡¦re probably out celebrating.

Simon John Davies was born on the 6th of February 1974, in the Chinese year of the tiger. The 6th of February obviously has a tradition of producing life¡¦s great personalities as Sime shares his birthday with Ronald Reagan, Rick Astley, Jimmy Tarbuck, Dennis Norden and Hitler¡¦s mistress Eva Braun. I¡¦m sure you¡¦ll agree that Sime is in good company there.

1974 was also the year that the 5-day working week was resumed in the UK. Apparently, someone forgot to tell Simon.

Unfortunately, my brother wasn¡¦t a pretty baby. Our mum didn¡¦t get morning sickness until after he was born.

As young brothers, we shared many tender, heart-warming moments. But when he wasn¡¦t breaking wind into a bottle and forcing me to smell it he could be quite hurtful. Once, he pushed me down a steep hill in a Tesco trolley. It scarred me for life; I still can¡¦t shop there. Fortunately, my knack for breaking or dismantling all his prized possessions seemed to even things out.

Simon also, however, had a talent for breaking things. Breaking vases, breaking light shades and especially breaking wind¡Kows. Sorry, breaking windows. Someone once said, ¡§When I became a man, I put away childish things.¡¨ When Sime became a man, if indeed he is one yet, he merely put them to one side, breaking our mum¡¦s lights with a football only a few weeks ago.

I remember when we were younger, you may have noted, we didn¡¦t always get on. Simon would call me smelly and I would call him stupid and we would both end up in tears. But we would always make up once we got outside the pub.

As a young boy, he had many interests and even took up piano lessons. However, I was rather intrigued by this genuine quote from an examiner¡¦s report: (READ FROM REPORT) ¡§Simon has a good hand position and his timing and rhythm is well controlled. Needless to say, he got a first-class pass.

In his teenage years, he found his greatest happiness was when he had his wood in his hand. You see, he was a keen bowls player winning numerous honours and even representing his country.

His other great love was snooker and he soon became equally comfortable, cue in hand, whether it be an easy pink, or more difficult brown. He would say how when he grew up he would like to be like his idol, Jimmy White, and I think he¡¦s done a pretty good job; Balding, overweight and pathetic at snooker.

His University years weren¡¦t completely wasted either. Time spent in the snooker room, instead of in lectures led him to captaining his team to the national championship title.

And now, Simon is happily employed by Yale College in Wrexham. For those of you with teenage children, it might horrify you to hear that Sime is responsible for your kids¡¦ exams. But, it seems that he is making quite a name for himself with his reliability and competence. In fact, EdExcel are rumoured to be interested in employing him.

Yes, Simon John Davies is a man who knows where he¡¦s going and knows where he¡¦s been. He just doesn¡¦t know where he is.

And so, before I finish I would like to impart some advice:
If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back, it was, and always will be, yours.
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
If it just sits on the couch, messes up your stuff, eats your food, drinks beer and spends your money you either married it or gave birth to it.
I¡¦d like to end, if I may, on a serious note. No, really!

I¡¦ve written a short poem and here it is. It¡¦s called ¡¥My Big Brother¡¦.

WE ARE GATHERED HERE TODAY TO SEE,
THE UNITING OF A FAMILY,
AS SIMON, CERI AND ALED JOHN,
DEVOTE THEIR LOVE AND JOIN AS ONE.

IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY,
WHEN ME AND SIME WOULD GO AND PLAY,
THE WORLD WAS OURS, WE KNEW NO FEAR,
WHEN A SUMMER SEEMED TO LAST A YEAR.

TOGETHER WE WOULD SPEND OUR TIME,
ME, LITTLE CHRIS AND BIG BROTHER SIME,
THE MEMORIES WILL ALWAYS RUN,
AND I HOPE THE FUTURE¡¦S JUST AS FUN.

IF YOU¡¦VE GOT ONE, THEN YOU¡¦LL SURELY KNOW,
HOW BIG BROTHERS ARE THERE TO HELP YOU GROW,
PROTECTING YOU FROM ALL LIFE¡¦S TRIALS,
CHEERING YOU UP WITH LAUGHS AND SMILES.

SO AS I STAND UP HERE TODAY,
I CAN SAFELY TURN TO YOU AND SAY,
HOW PROUD I AM OF MY BIG BROTHER,
A SIBLING TRULY LIKE NO OTHER.

A MAN, A FRIEND, A BRILLIANT DAD,
A BRIGHT AND HANDSOME, CARING LAD,
A MAN I ADMIRE AND DEEPLY LOVE,
SO HERE¡¦S TO YOU SIME, MY BIG BRUV.

In conclusion I¡¦d like to say Simon, you¡¦re a brilliant brother and it has truly been an honour in being your best man today. Ceri is a wonderful woman and deserves a good husband, so thank God you married her before she found one.

And so, on behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone here for sharing their special day.

Now, it gives me great pleasure, and indeed relief, to invite you all to be upstanding (or you can stand up, if you like) (EVERYONE STAND) and raise your glasses in a toast to Simon and Ceri, the new Mr. and Mrs. Davies; and wish them both all the best for their future together and we hope you enjoy a long and happy marriage.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Simon and Ceri.