Speech by Chris Dixon

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Dixon
Speech Date: 31/05/2016 15:21:41

Ladies and gentlemen.… Good afternoon, for those who don't know me, my name is Chris, and apparently, I am the best man. Although clearly not good enough for a seat at the top table…..

I don't mind telling you how nervous I have been about this speech, so I prepared a few lines earlier. And now that those have kicked in, I'm feeling much better

I always knew you would be a tough act to follow Scott, and I was right, I couldn't follow any of that

Before we get to the ritual character assassination of the groom that forms the basis of a traditional best man's speech I would like to thank Scott for his kind words about the bridesmaids who of course looked gorgeous and did a fantastic job. I actually overheard the girls having quite a heated argument earlier about who was going to get to dance with me first….… Ladies, one of you is going to have to do it!

I would like to say my own thank you to Dave and Ally who were a massive help to me when organising the Stag… cheers guys

Scott already mentioned the lovely flower girls, but I won't be able to go home if I don't give them a special mention too, so well done Cara and Zofia.

And Sarah, I can't imagine any bride has ever looked more beautiful than you do today. Scott.… I think the room will agree that Scott is punching well above his weight

I remember when I first met Sarah my impression was of a beautiful, witty, charming and thoughtful person. That was all ruined however when she agreed to marry Scott.

It really was a great honour to be asked by Scott to be his best man on this important day in his life although truthfully, this speech has had me very worried. So, I went online and started frantically searching for ideas, the internet is a magical place and I soon found some amazing material..… but none of it was helping with my speech.

My research did tell me that my speech should involve some humorous stories at the groom's expense.

Truthfully I had a bit of trouble here, not because Scott hasn't done anything embarrassing, but unfortunately 90% of it's not fit for public consumption.… There was the late night art installations on car bonnets, the time he nearly drowned in a freak pedalo accident and not forgetting, the time he did a poo in the middle of a nightclub dancefloor….

Now..… knowing that most of you here today are probably wondering just what does Sarah see in Scott?

Well I have known him a long time and too be fair….I haven't got a clue!

Anyone who knows Sarah & Scott knows they like to travel and have visited many places……………..… Rome, Paris, China, Thailand, Cambodia, Dubai, some very exotic and romantic places. Ideal for a proposal of marriage you may think. 

Well that may be true but Scott wanted to go just one step further, a surprise trip to San Francisco for Sarah's 30th, riding bikes through the vineyards by day and watching the sunsets together in the evenings, Sarah probably never expected Scott to do any better than he already had! 

Well, one night after dinner Scott and Sarah set off for a stroll along the beach, the sun had started to set and was sparkling against the water and through the Golden Gate Bridge…… this was it, the perfect moment and Scott went for it, unfortunately his timing didn't match the location as no sooner had he popped the question than a large naked homeless man appeared from a bush and walked past them to wash his bits in the ocean…… and despite this very clear sign from the universe that there are much better options out there.… Sarah still said yes

When I was trying to get a theme of my speech I asked some people to describe Scott – witty, passionate, charismatic, generous.… Nobody used any of those words.

He was, however, described as arrogant, conceited, insensitive and selfish… Personally I think that's a bit harsh, but I suppose if anyone knows him, it's his mum.

I should explain how I got to be standing here today, Scott and I have known each other for a little over 20 years and let me tell you, the transformation I have witnessed has been nothing short of a miracle, seriously.… He used to be a really nice guy.

One area he did struggle with when he was younger was his image, the bowl cut, the sock flashing jeans and the Star Wars backpack, definitely more armpit than Brad Pitt. 

I was going to tell you a tale of Scott's athletic prowess, most of our teenage years were spent kicking a ball about the local tennis courts, he really loved his football but to be honest was pretty rubbish in almost every position….… Hopefully you'll have better luck tonight Sarah. On a more serious note I value Scott & Sarah's friendship immensely and they have always been there whenever my family and I have needed them.

Something we should bear in mind is that marriage is not about finding someone you can live with; it's about finding someone you absolutely cannot live without. I didn't really get the whole best man thing, but I think now I understand that there really isn't any person who could stand where I am now and be as proud as I am in my oldest and dearest friend.

Ladies and gentlemen, I for one couldn't be happier that Scott and Sarah have found real love and happiness in each other and wish them many wonderful loving years together, ladies and gentlemen, please be upstanding and raise your glasses to the bride and groom, Mr & Mrs Clark …… sorry, Scott has also asked that you all remember to have your Groupon vouchers ready when the bill for dinner comes. See you on the dance floor