Speech by Chris F

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris F
Speech Date: Jun 2001
Props:
thick wad of prompt cards – some with fake speech on
bag of keys
giant coffee cup filled with cress
Perfumed lacy knickers
Whip
Giant, stained knickers
old mans type slippers & pipe
2 wedding cards with joke congratulations messages
fax paper copy with congrats from honeymoon hotel

Thanks
Thank you for those kind words. First of all, before I begin, please allow me to be the first to officially congratulate my brother Garry and my new
sister-in-law Louise. A round of applause, please.

Reply for bridesmaids
While we're at it, I'm sure you'll agree that the bridesmaids have done a
wonderful job today….and don't they look lovely. Lets show your appreciation

Intro
OK. That's enough fun!

Every silver lining has a cloud, and that's because you now have to listen to me!!!. For those of you who don't know me my name is “Chris what are you drinking”. So, if you see me later don't hesitate to use my name.

I have the honour of being Garry's brother, and the privilege to be his best man today.

Lists – Not Allowed & OK
Garry and Louise announced their engagement two years ago, and shortly after Garry asked me to be his best man. This means I've had plenty of time to gather the dirt on him for the customary character assassination today (thick wad of prompt cards – Big Grin).

However, I think Louise had other ideas. When I went to Garry's house this
morning she had left…a note…(ridiculously long list, rolled up at first)
…err..something about surgery without anaesthetic if I mentioned anything on this list… (hold first page and release roll, so paper cascades to floor, then make big show of reading through list for a couple of seconds)… so that leaves… (Sort through cards and throw most away) So, what's left to say about Garry – (quietly) not much if I want to stay a whole man..

Well, he was born on August 27th 1972 and shares his birthday with Confucius the great Chinese philosopher, two American presidents and Mother Teresa. On that day in history Born to be Wild was topping the charts, which probably says more about his character than the people who share his birthday!

School reports – B in needlework Although we went to the same school, Garry was 4 years below me so I didn't see much of him. However, his school reports (hold up bunch of reports) paint a vivid picture of a boy who is destined to work with his hands – the highlight of his first year school report was a grade B in needlework!

He might have been good with his hands, but it seems his footwork was
appalling! (Read from fake report) Garry XXXXX 4th year P.E. class “Garry's enthusiasm for football far outstrips his abilities. His team mates found him useless in every position.” Hope Louise has more luck there then!

After leaving school, Garry appeared to develop a passion for horticulture. Our mother says his collection of mouldy coffee cups was very impressive. He had a regular penicillin factory under his bed. Louise, this is one habit you'll have to watch out for! (Hand over giant coffee cup filled with cress)

Knickers
Garry is restless by nature, and looking for some excitement he decided it
would be a good idea to work part-time for a local nightclub. On Friday and Saturday nights you could find him in the DJs booth at Nix in XXXXXX. He said the pay wasn't great but the perks were excellent. He seemed to make a lot of err… “new friends.”

So, to avoid the possibility of future embarrassment I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper. It read as follows:-

Notice to the ladies of XXXXXX. Former bachelor extraordinaire Garry XXXXX
formerly of 11 XXXXX Street is getting married on June 9th 2001 to Louise
XXXXX. Would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return
them to the address below before this date. If you would like to add a
message wishing him well please do so.

Had quite a few replies…(hold up bag of keys)… and I have some of the more
interesting replies…

(Perfumed lacy knickers) – Good luck Garry
(Whip)– God luck and best wishes, P.S. I'm keeping the handcuffs
(Giant, stained knickers) – just give a disgusted look

About five years ago, Garry met a very special girl. He also met Louise.

No seriously though… She put him on the right track and if it wasn't for
Louise, Garry wouldn't be the man his is now. I'm very proud of my brother
and all that he has become.

Garry, you've played a blinder in marrying Louise. You've got someone who's beautiful, charming, smart, funny, loving and caring. Louise, you've
got…well…Garry really.

Settling down
Now that Garry's settling down, I thought it would be time for some
appropriate attire… (old mans type slippers & pipe) and give him a few words of advice…

I came across this in the dictionary… its the definition of the word argument…

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when she's right, but you just haven't realized it yet.

And remember…Always tell her those 3 little words..… "You're right, dear"

I also have some advice for Louise…

A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.

Before I finish, I'd like to ask Garry and Louise to participate in the
speech now. Louise if I can ask you to place your hand flat on the table… right Garry, if you would like place your hand directly on top of Louise's..
Enjoying that Garry? Make the most of it, it's the last time you'll have the upper hand.

O.K. We'll wrap things up with a few cards, but before we do I'd like you to joint me in the toasts, so please charge your glasses…

Toasts

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank everyone here for
sharing their day, particularly those of you who have travelled long
distances.

I have three toasts to make
Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to thank the bride and
grooms parents for this special day. The toast is The Parents.

I'd like everyone to remain standing for a toast to all those people who
couldn't be here today to celebrate Garry and Louise's wedding;
The toast is To Absent Friends.

And finally, Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me immense pleasure to ask you to join me in a toast to the bride and groom. May all your troubles be little ones.
The toast is The Bride and Groom.

Read some cards including a couple of fakes

This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!

This one is from Garry's mate Michael.
Best wishes to you both Garry, It has been said that marriage is a 50/50
partnership I hope you realise that anyone who believes this knows very
little about women or fractions. Good luck

And finally… I have a fax from El Hanna Beach Hotel in Tunisia, where Garry and Louise will be spending their honeymoon.
"Congratulations to you both on this day. We very much look forward to making your honeymoon a special and memorable one. Please do not worry if there is some delay when you arrive. We are putting something on for you…..the roof."

Well Ladies and Gentleman, that's enough from me. I'm off to the bar to get a well-earned drink. Thank you.