Speech by Chris Farmer

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Farmer
Speech Date: May 1997
Ladies and Gentleman :

Firstly on behalf of the bridesmaids, I'd like to thank Dean for his kind words.

Dean was born in a year of great human achievement, the first man on the moon and Concorde's maiden flight, events that were to influence Dean. During his infant years his ambition was to become an astronaut, his hero being Steve Austin, the six million dollar man, and later to become a pilot.

Dean was it seems, the model son, rarely naughty, kind and considerate. His only vice it appears was the storage of bogies behind the headboard of his bed. During his youth he was a cub, a scout and a keen sportsman, regularly playing football and rugby. Academically he was a high achiever.

Yes, Dean was a success in everything he did… That was of course right up until the wilderness years.…

But did Dean really get the hang of those rebellious teenage years.? Well I can certainly tell you that he tried.!

Yes, Dean stole his dads car keys and took the car out for a joy ride, but he was caught red handed driving it round and round the driveway with steam pouring out of the engine never having got further than the driveway gate. Sure, he was arrested by the police of reckless driving with a stolen vehicle.. But that vehicle was a BMX bicycle.!

We move on now to the entrepreneurial years, and I believe Dean would like to describe himself as an innovator, and ideas man, and to that end he has been scheming up ways to make his fortune..… The buying and selling of cars, ok, so not one of his most original of ideas. Unfortunately a misunderstanding with a garden fence seriously depleted his determination, and combined with a visit from the flying squad about his most recent purchase, his fleet of cars was in ruins. There have been many projects since, including airport car rental, creating computer software and countless efforts to exploit the full power of the information superhighway.

Since Nicola and Dean have been together, Dean has become annoyingly successful. He's a manager; he's looked after budgets of millions of pounds, he jets of to America virtually every other week for meetings or to give presentations and his salary seems to increase each time he reaches a certain weight.! I would like to say though that Dean is very modest about his success and never mentions how he shot over to New York, chaired a couple of meetings and then shot back this morning on the "red eye", unless of course he's in company.

But it was eight years ago now that romance began to blossom – next to a fruit machine in the Fox and Hounds pub.! This was where, after weeks of trying Nicola finally excepted deans offer of a game of squash. Nicola wasn't keen at first, apparently Dean had a bit of a reputation.! Anyway Nicola beating him was frankly not suprising, indeed a scenario that has kept her in good stead ever since.

And Dean being the smoothey that he is arranged a quiet night in watching the Yardley APU (Annual Piss Up) home video collection for there second date, and their first holiday together was soon to follow. Dean being the organiser of the holiday was obviously out to impress Nicola, and wanted to show her what she could expect if she chose to spend her life with him. Although I'm not sure she was quite expecting a week in Selsey Bill, but it seemed to do the trick.!

Talking of romance, I never thought Dean was the type to go in for all that lovey duvey stuff, and I'm sure that to all his friends and work colleagues here today he would like to describe himself as a bit of a lad, a bit of a mans man. Well I was shocked; shocked to learn that Dean's a bit of a fan for leaving "I love you" notes for Nicola to find.…

Once example… Writing "I love you" in the frost on Nicola's car window, so that she would find it in the morning on the way to work. But the one that really choked me up, the one that really hit home for me, was the time that Nicola found the words "I love you" written on the last sheet of toilet paper the next time she wanted to use some. Mind you I don't think she was that impressed considering what she did with it once she'd read it.!!!

What was impressive however, was the engagement. Which actually happened at Mach 2, on Concorde, on the way to New York. now that WAS smooth.

The "Stag do" was a great success, mostly due to the great organisation of the day. It started off with clay pigeon shooting and Dean managing to shoot far more clays than we all expected with a staggering 2 out of 20. He faired rather better in the off road car racing, were he absolutely, fairly and squarely won the competition outright.

And once we'd got to the night-club there was no stopping him, straight onto the dance floor, rhythm and style being of little importance. I had wondered why Dean had gone to bed before the rest of us, but upon finding him in the morning with bright red nail varnished fingers and toes, head and shoulders completely covered in a mixture of talcum powder and shaving foam and a soaking wet bed, I decided not to ask questions.

Dean, this is indeed the happiest day of your life, well at least that's what Nicola told me earlier,! and so it should be, for you have just married a beautiful, humorous and successful lady, who's also a great cook…..Nicola, well, you've just married this…!!! (Showed a large blown up picture of Dean when he was very drunk and looking very silly).

(At this point I read the cards with a couple of made up joke ones.)

On a more serious note. Dean, you have been a great friend to me over the years, and It is a great honour to be your best man.

Mr and Mrs Yxxxxx, a nicer more perfectly suited couple you could not wish to meet, and I wish them all the happiness in their future together.

Could you please stand now and join me in a toast to the bride and grooms parents for this special day, and to all those who were sadly unable to be here today.

And would you all please remain standing, and joining me in a toast to the happy couple "Mr and Mrs Yxxxxx".