Speech by Chris Hayward

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Hayward
Speech Date: Aug2007
Good afternoon ladies, gentleman, boys and girls, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Chris and for those of you that do … well I do apologise. My full name is actually ‘Chris would-you-like-a-drink’ and for those of you who I meet in the bar later, I'd appreciate it if you could use my full name.

Firstly I can confirm to you all that last night Anthony slept like a baby………that is he wet the bed twice………..and woke up several times crying for his MUMMY!

I was really nervous before hand, so I prepared a few lines – and having
snorted them I'm feeling pretty good right now…

I did actually find LOADS of ready-prepared speeches on the internet.… but sadly, NONE of them were about a couple called Anthony and Rebecca ….so it looks like it's down to me after all.

Now as part of my research I discovered that according to tradition I am supposed to SING THE GROOM'S PRAISES and tell you all about his MANY good points. Well, I'm very sorry but I CAN'T SING, and I WON'T LIE.
I was actually a little worried as to how long the speech should last so I asked around and the general consensus was that it should go on for about as long as it takes the groom to perform his duties in the bedroom.
So with that ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much, to the bride and groom !!

The only slightly embarrassing story I can remember about Anthony from when we were younger is when we were learning to swim at school and he was splashing about in the pool with his arms going all over the place thinking he was swimming but his feet were still on the bottom of the pool and he was walking along.

The time I first met Rebecca though I'm not sure it was a meeting it was a kind of who's that was when I was down the Hangovers bar at Newman College with a few people that are here today. Paul, Kath, Emma and I'm not sure if Anne was there or not and we were all sat down drinking and having the usual gossip when suddenly this girl comes up to Anthony and starts snogging him, or should I rather say eating his face off. I'll leave it at that for my own safety and wellbeing.

I've got a couple of messages here:

The first is to Anthony

From the lads at rugby: we've found Anthony to be useless in every position. Hope Rebecca has more luck.

To Rebecca

I'm sorry I could not marry you myself so I got one of my mates to do it, but best wishes on your special Day
From Michael Buerk …

Now it gives me great pleasure to ask you all to raise your glasses for some very important people, without them today it would not be the same.
Would you raise your glasses to toast .…
The bar staff!!!

So what can I say about Anthony ?
He's handsome
Successful
Witty
Intelligent
Flash
Charming
Er..Er…

Ant, what's that say, I can't read your handwriting. Oh, yeah fantastic in bed, sorry.

I feel comforted by the fact I have actually already rehearsed this speech in front of a live audience – it was in the local geriatric home – I think it went well as they all wet themselves.

I'm sure you all agree that Rebecca looks fantastic.. One in a million and Anthony looks like he always does .… Won in a raffle! And he's copied my outfit today- the cheeky git!

At this point I want to offer Anthony a small piece of advice, and he will be pleased to know that a successful marriage can be compared to a game of rugby:

1. Ensure you are fully committed every week.
2. Make sure you score on a Saturday
3. Ensure you change ends at half time
4: Don't put your tackle in too hard or you might injure yourself!
5 – No tackling from behind…especially on your wedding night!!

Anthony and Rebecca we all hope you have a wonderful time on your honeymoon in North Wales, at least that's where I think Anthony said they were going, he just said he was going to Bangor for a week.

It gives me great pleasure to get you all to raise your glasses and say with me

To the bride and groom.