Speech by Chris Jackson

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Jackson
Speech Date: aug 2001
Thankyou simon,

Well what can I say..… apart from this is about the 5th time today that I've risen from a warm seat with some paper in my hand – but I wont be going into that right now!!

For those of you who don't know me, I am Simon`s brother and have been given the privilege of being bestman for this very special day.

I`m not quite sure why they call it bestman, because I seem to have been given all the worst jobs!!! Well they do say being bestman is like being asked to make love to the Queen Mother – it`s a great honour, but really knowone wants to do it!!!

There was me thinking all I had to do was do a speech and arrange a stag do – Oh how I was wrong!!! Infact Si`s had more stag do`s than Harold Shipman`s had satisfied patients! In fact he`s had more stag do`s than Michael jackson`s had face-lifts!!

Strangely enough I`ve known Si all of my life, and Yes I COULD assassinate his character til the cows comes home – but seeing as it`s his and Rachels special day I`ll be as reserrrvvvveeedd as possible.

Si was born on the 22nd of February 1976 – That makes him 25 years old = which incidentally makes him closer to the age of 50 as to the day he was born!! God – you are getting old!

As a child he was a right nuisance as I`m told and can remember. He always had to get his own way at anything he did – and if not he would throw the most almighty tantrums. Once he started he just would`nt stop until he got his own way! Hence his then nickname – HOOTAMATIC

Si was always pro-active and was a natural sportsman, excelling in all sports that he tried -only problem was that if he didn't win he`d probably throw a tantrum!! That was why I always used to let him win.

Well – To define what Simon means to us all, I chose to research the ancient meaning of his name. I was amused and amazed to find that the name Simon in ancient Greece means

"HE WHO FEARS NONE"

Now, anyone hear who knows Si would beg to differ. He is a coward, a wimp and a chicken when he comes face-to-face with anything from a corgi to a cocka spaniel. Yes, This fully grown adult is absolutely petrafied of dogs!!! If he see`s a dog anywhere near him, he panics and runs off like a big girls blouse – no matter where he is!

Unfortunately I couldn't bring a real dog with me today, So you will have to do with this……………….… Don`t worry it won`t bite! ——- But remember, there`s still my wedding present waiting for you at your house!!!

At school Si fancied himself, not academically but literally! His young boyish looks he thought were a lady killer but were`nt appreciated by the girls. Except for a young beautiful brunette who swept him off his feet at the tender age of 15. From that cold October day, Simon and Rachel have been inseparable together.

I suppose in a way marriage was always on the cards, however it took Simon almost an eternity to finally pop the question. And did the old boy do it in true Jackson style! No, not on the terraces of Cambridge United, and no not outside the local Indian Restaurant – but on one knee in the idyllic grounds of Kings College in Cambridge and to this day we all gather.

In fact Si has been successful with whatever he done, whether it`s been at school, sports, finding the beautiful Rachel as his wife and in his insurance career. Speaking off which I have a joke (oh god! Yes a joke!!) which by no means has anything to do with Simon, Rachel or anyone present here except for the industry that he works in. his lawyers are watching.

JOKE

An insurance salesman had just married a woman who had previously been married 6 TIMES before. On the wedding nite, the couple were in their bridal suite when the temperature started to rise. !!!!!!!!

"Oh please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin"

A VIRGIN the insurance salesman screamed!!! How can you be a virgin when you`ve been married 6 times before. Surely one of your ex fella`s would have been able to perform at some time?! He looked puzzled….…

Well..… the bride explained…..…

My first husband was an engineer, he kept informing me that he understood the process, but needed 3 years to research, implement and design a state of the art method.

My second husband was a marketing manager, he knew he had the product but was`nt sure about how to position it!

My third husband, he was in I.T – he repeatably said that everything was diagnostically OK but couldn't get the system up.

My forth husband was a psychiatrist – and all he wanted to do was talk about it

My fifth husband was a gynaecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it!

AND, my sixth husband – he was a STAMPCOLLECTOR, and all he ever wanted to do was erm erm…… – GOD I miss him!

So now I`ve married you, I`m really excited!

"But WHY?" – replied the insurance salesman

"WELL, IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS!! YOU SELL INSURANCE! I JUST KNOW I`M GONNA GET SCREWED!!!!!!!

Si actually has a distinctive characteristic that very few people know about. And as bestman I can proudly say that I am soley responsible for it. At the age of 5 I still had the upper hand on my broth – a brotherly scrap turned into a bloodbath when an argument over a teddy bear (god how things have changed!) – resulted in Si falling bum first through our glass front door. After rushing him off to hospital the poor boy needed 12 stiches on his rear end – and to this day (so I`m told – Mum) the scar still remains!

Not many people also know this..… but Si is a real handyman at heart – his redecorating skills have been notoriously prevalent throughout the last 7 years! Even Lawrence Lewellyn off BBC`s changing rooms would have been proud of him!! Only problem is, he doesn`t give u much notice before he starts to redecorate! Like the time in his local Indian restaurant where he use to be a regular – Si thought the toilet needed a make-over! His custom (for some reason) is no longer welcome!!!!

Now, I really can't imagine how you are feeling right now Si. Do u think it will top your single greatest achievement so far in life, which has been obtaining a life-size cardboard cut out of ex-eastender – Martine McClutchen??!! I personally give your new wife permission to burn that atrocious thing!!

Well the stag do/or should I say do`sss

The Stag do was not any stag do it was an accumulation of nights out which were centred around the main event – a long weekend to Dublin. On a personal note I have to say it was the best weekend away I have ever had. Even though I made the fatal mistake of booking us all double rooms instead of twins and faced the embarrassment of explaining to the hotel manager that we wer`nt all actually gay!

To say alcohol was the order of the weekend would be an understatement. We must a crawled so many bar throughout the three days and even managed to find a Cecozslovakian bar in Dublin of all places. But I`m afraid what goes on Stag stays on Stag – so if you want to know all the gory details I can and will be easily bribed at the bar later!

Being not married myself, and please no more people asking me when I am getting ?MARRIED!! I chose to ask a few couples what marriage means to them. I have excluded names from this from fear of reprisals from their other halves –

Marriage is not just a word, it`s a sentence – you get less for MURDER

Si, you are 2 fifths of the way through the 5 RINGS of marriage

You`ve bought the engagement RING and the wedding RING – so now`s that`s all waiting for you now is the SuffeRing, EdnuRing and the TortuRING!!

Marriage is expensive, I`m still paying for it after 22 years

Always give your wife three months notice if you want to go out with the boys – then get it in writing!

Don`t upset the mother-in-law, it will usually upset the wife as well!

It is true that love is blind and marriage is definitely an eye-opener!

Anyway, enough of the cheap shots. On a serious note..… It is an absolute honour for me to be your bestman today, Simon happens to be one of the best men that i know. We have had some excellent times together and I know we will continue to do so in the future. You are a great friend, a top brother and a quality act. The generosity and care that you offer to friends, relatives and acquaintances is second to none. I have never met someone who will go out of his way as much as you do just to please people.. He is always first to offer people help, lifts to places, financial aid and is always first to the bar to buy the many rounds that he so generously delivers. This will have to stop now you are married Si, well we`ll say as of tomorrow anyway – mine`s a Stella mate!! No but seriously, when I broke my leg whilst abroad working last summer – he was phoning and checking to see if i was ok every few days for months – must have cost him a fortune!!! that just sums Si up.

As his brother, I am so pleased that he has found someone to share his life with as Rachel. I mean look at her, she looks absolutely stunning. The pair have truly proved the test of time and I couldn`t wish for any other person to be Mrs Jackson and my sister-in-law. You too are very lucky to have each other – you are wonderful for each other.

……………..…

All in all it`s a true honour to be your best man. I just want to say –

CONGRATULATIONS on the TERMINATION of your ISOLATION. May I express an APPRECIATION of your DETERMINATION to end the DESPERATION and FRUSTRATION which has caused you so much CONSTERNATION, but gave you the INSPIRATION to make a COMBINATION and – WHO KNOWS??!! Bring an ACCUMMULATION to the POPULATION.

In other words, may your love be modern enough to survive the times; yet old fashioned enough to last forever!

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls – please stand and raise your glasses to the BRIDE and GROOM