Speech by Chris Law

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Law
Speech Date: Jul 1999
Props
Newspaper – with prompt card attached
Thong
Mens Pants
Handcuffs
Big Pants
Keys
Cards with messages in……
Book (with best man)

Speech
Good afternoon Ladies and Gentlemen: I'm only going to speak for a couple of minutes because of my throat, if I go on too long Rachael has threatened to cut it.

I felt very privileged when Tim asked me to be his Best Man and give a speech, as in some ways its very much like making love to the Queen Mother. It's a great honour but nobody wants to do it.

Now before I go on to completely slander Tim's character as is traditional, I'd just like to first thank John, who unfortunately can't be with us today, for lending me a book which had a chapter entitled ‘The Best Man Checklist’, which I brought with me today. I must confess I was mystified by some of the things I was expected to do:

"1. Bring a chequebook or credit card for payments that the groom may have forgotten" – which knowing Tim will be all of them, so I've got about £1,000 on me…

"2. Help the groom dress" – thanks, but no…if he hasn't learned by now…

"3. Ensure that the groom:
uses the toilet (again, no, I refuse);
his shoes are tied;
his face and hair are ‘in order’ (God didn't put them in order first time round, so what chance do I have?);
nothing's between his teeth (or is that his ears??); and
that his trouser fly is done up…"
Mmmm… Perhaps his mum should have been best man.

"4. See that angry ex-girlfriends are kept at bay" – I should think most of them will be far from angry, probably out celebrating…

"5. Bring a zip-up bag with the following items for emergencies:

aspirin, antacid, deodorant, valium (we already finished most of those in the pub beforehand) toothpaste, and a big black magic marker pen".

I did actually bring one of those, because it says here I have to, but if anyone knows what it's for, please tell me because I'm dying to know…

"6. Make a speech to the bride and groom."

Now I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, and I'd get locked in a nice little room to talk to them for a while, and maybe have a cup of tea, so I'm a little upset to now find I have to do it in front of 100 people. Still, must press on…

"7. The key is to find a Best Man who is resourceful, energetic, and diplomatic. One who will not offend or create problems."
As you can see, Tim's obviously an appalling judge of character. Which brings me nicely to the point where I can demolish his character.

Now Tim and Rachael will be the first to admit that they are not mere youngsters setting out on the road to adulthood, so it's fair to say that their must be some past history here.

*** BIG GRIN***

Because of this I took the opportunity to place an advert in the local newspaper. It read as follows: –

Notice to the ladies of Croydon. Former bachelor extraordinair Mr Tim Titley of 44 Sussex Road, Croydon is getting married, on 3rd July 1999 to Miss Rachael Nield. Would those of you still retaining keys to his house kindly return them to the address above before this date. If you would like to add a message wishing him well please do so.

*****Pull out big bag of keys and present to Tim.*****

Then I pulled out a key with a nice thong attached to it with a note saying "good luck Tim".
Next I pulled out a key with handcuffs attached to it with a note saying "you can have these but I am keeping the whip".
Next a pair of mens underpants – "this one is for Rachael".
Lastly A key attached to the biggest pair of women knickers I could buy. I said nothing but just gave him a disgusted look.

But seriously though: Tim & Rachel met just over 3.5 years ago. Tim had been enjoying a riproaring day out at the Hendon and arrived home early evening. To recover from this stressful excursion, he found himself in the Fiddler & Firkin pub supping gently on a pint of finest ale (with little Tim) & contemplating a dull evening. Situated in romantic south Croydon this well known meeting place began to work its magic…

Suddenly, everything changed, Tim's hair stood on end because their before him was a woman not seen before. With the word's "Hi I'm Tim, who are you" he met his bride to be, Rachel. For Tim, it was love at first sight.

Playing hard to get, Rachel tells me it was months before she fell for Tim. But having witnessed how quickly they progressed to a cat & 5 kittens, I'm not so sure.…

And now, having made respectability via owning their own home, pets in situ, their marriage today, One has to ask what will come next? Could it be the pitta pat of tiny feet, I wonder…

Tim and Rachael are probably still panicking about when I am going to tell certain stories about them such as:
Crashing his bike on the roundabout – of course it was the oil tim
Lurid tales of his heckling skills from his stag night….which supermarket was it
Any mention of my own stag do last weekend – Tim the warrior
And anything I was told last night by your sister last night…rachael
But anyone willing to buy me a beer at the bar later on will get all the details.

Toast
And finally, on behalf of the bride and groom, I'd like to thank you all for sharing their day. I started planning this speech a week ago, and you must feel like I have been delivering it equally as long; but now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Tim and Rachael – because I think that they were made for each other::

May your love be modern enough to survive the times, and old fashioned enough to last forever. To the Bride and Groom's Future Happiness.

Telegrams and cards
Before I leave you all I would like to read out a some of the messages of those who couldn't make it today.

1) Congratulations on your marriage. Sorry I couldn't be there. Please send a picture of the Bride and Groom mounted. Love Rob.

2) This is from the lads at football: We've found Tim to be useless in every position. Hope Rachel has more luck. Congratulations.

3)This special message comes to say
Hope all goes well on your wedding day
If you need advice or any tips
Call 0891 and ask for hot lips!

(I wrote these messages in some cards and mixed them in)