Speech by Chris Lomas

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Lomas
Speech Date: 19/07/2010 11:39:25

Good afternoon ladies, gentleman, boys and girls. If there is anybody here who is feeling worried, nervous or apprehensive, it is probably because you just married Andy!

Obviously today is a very important day and Andy has said some emotional stuff there. In fact, I haven't seen him this emotional since we watched E.T when he was 5!

Are we all having a good time? Don't worry, I read somewhere that a best man speech shouldn't take any longer than it takes the groom to make love. So ladies and gentlemen – I give you Mr and Mrs Lomas. (Take drink and sit down).

What more? Ok, I've got more!

In case you haven't guessed it, the reason I'm stood up here now is because I am the best man. Anyone here who has been a best man will surely agree, that being asked to be the best man is a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen, you know it's a great honour, but you're not really sure that you want to do it!

I am of course joking, I knew that being best man I would have to stand up here and give a speech, and if I'm honest I've been quite looking forward to it. I got married last year, so I've been relishing the opportunity to stand up and speak for 20 minutes without being interrupted by the wife!

Andy's approach to asking me to be his best man was quite unique. He called me up in January and said “Right then, I'm getting married in July, and I guess I've got to ruin someone's day, so it might as well be yours.’ I thought that was very touching.

I feel like I should introduce myself, for those of you that don't know me, my name is Chris Would-You-Like-A-Drink, if you see me at the bar later I insist on you using my full name!

I'm not going to speak too long today because of my throat.. if I go on too long Andy has threatened to cut it!

Firstly I'd like to thank the local rag and bone man for getting Any and Steph here on his horse and cart. And I'd especially like to thank Andy and Steph for coming today, it certainly wouldn't be the same without you two!

Can I just direct your attention towards the bridesmaids, Natalie and Bev, they have looked gorgeous today, and the flower girl Jennifer has looked like a little princess too, lets have a round of applause for them!

I'd also like to thank the ushers Neil and Craig for turning up sober. I know Andy had a dilemma when selecting a couple of guys to do the hugely difficult task of telling people where to sit in church!

Obviously the focus of everyone's attention today is Steph, Elaine and Steve you must be really proud parents, seeing your little girl turn into a woman today. Steph you look absolutely amazing today, wouldn't you all agree? Steph looks like one in a million, Andy looks like he was won in a raffle!

I think every man (and maybe even some women) in the room will agree with me when I say that today is a sad sad day for us all, knowing that a woman like Steph is now off the market.

And Andy looks ok doesn't he, he's tried his best, I also think that everyone in the room will all also agree with me when I say that today is… just another day really isn't it?

During the service today I couldn't help thinking it's funny how history repeats itself, I mean it must have been about 25 years ago that Elaine and Steve were sending their daughter to bed with a dummy………and it's happening all over again today.

I have been asked to thank you all for coming and the gifts that you have so generously donated.. I must say I struggled to decide what to get, I wanted to give Andy something he genuinely needed, but it's such a struggle to figure out how to wrap a bath!

Right now for the bit where I talk about Andy, I now intend on giving Andy the most uncomfortable 10 minutes of his life, which is pretty much what Steph will be getting later on tonight!

I've known Andy all his life, in fact I often think he uses me as a role model, I mean he's copied me all the way through my life. I was born in 76, Andy was born in 79, I started school, three years later he started school. I left school and got a job, yes that's right you guessed it, he left school and got a job!

In actual fact it was Andy's birthday on Monday, can we all have a quick toast for Andy's birthday please?  It's funny, because the midwives of Stepping Hill hospital now refer to that day as monkey-birth Monday! 

I can honestly say, in all the years I've known Andy, no one has ever questioned his intelligence. In fact, I've never heard anyone even mention it! I'll give you some examples..

He was a slow starter, at playschool he was different from all the other 5 year olds, he was 11.

I think Andy will admit that he wasn't the best at school, he was much better at the practical stuff like PE and woodwork. I don't know what the PC term is for it these days, but he was in the thick class.

I remember one time we walked past McDonald in Stockport, there was a sign in the window saying Free Big Mac, I pointed this out to Andy and he said “why what did he do?”.

In fact, Andy is still the only person I know who thinks Ellesmere Port is a fine table wine.

I decided that it might be a good idea to ask people what they thought of Andy. So I spoke to a couple of his work colleagues and apparently they refer to him as godlike..… he's rarely seen,  and if he ever does any work, it's a bloody miracle.

I also spoke to some other people and one person actually told me that they thought he was conceited, selfish, arrogant and insensitive.… Thanks for that Steph.

In my aim to pad this speech out, I decided to Google Andrew Lomas, but the only thing I could find was that there local counsellor in Wycombe with the same name.

So I then decided to google Stephanie Knight, and let me tell you I found a lot of interesting stuff about my new sister-in-law. This is what I found.

Age: 22
Height: 5 ft. 6 in.
Measurements: 32E-25-35 in.
Hair: Blonde
Eye colour: Blue

I then read more about her.. Stephanie Knight is a full time model currently working in the United Kingdom. However I soon realised my error when I clicked on the gallery and found that Steph used to share a name with a UK glamour model. I decided to spend some time researching her work and I can assure you her work is very classy! I did however end up having a rather awkward conversation with my boss at work when I had to explain why I had been visiting this website!

I also decided to do some research on the internet for some facts about the 17th of July. Not many people will know this but on this very day 76 years ago on the 17th of July 1934 the famous Alcatraz prison accepted its first inmates. This is where young men were taken away from their families where they led a life of solitary confinement from which there was no escape. They were endlessly tortured, humiliated and basically forced to do whatever their masters wanted. I'm sure that when Steph picked today for the wedding it was a complete coincidence.

This is actually the second wedding speech I've made. At the first the bridegroom was a handsome chap and his bride was the envy of all the ladies that set eyes on him. She surely was a very lucky lady. That young man hasn't lost any of his charm with the passing years. But that's enough about me. The best man on that happy occasion was today's bridegroom, Andy. So let's talk about him instead

(This next bit is related to a powerpoint presentation I created, using lots of old Photos. There are some jokes in here, but it is mostly about the photos).

As we should all hopefully know by now we're here to celebrate the wedding of Andy and Steph, there they are the happy couple.

Looking at him now it's no stretch of the imagination to say that Andy was an ugly baby. Infact he was so ugly when he was born the midwife slapped his parents.

So what can I tell you about my little brother, as you know he was born July 1979, I'm not saying we were poor, but our parents could only afford to buy him socks when he was born.

In fact I remember a story my Mum once told me, when he was little she got on the bus one day to take him to Glossop, he must have been about 4 months old. As she got on the bus driver said to her “That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!”. Mum was obviously a bit miffed off, she went and sat at the back of the bus, steaming she was. A man next to her asks her what's up, so she tells him – “that effing bus driver just insulted me!”
The man said back to her, “There's no call for that, you go back up there and give him a piece of your mind, here, I'll hold your monkey!”

I remember when he was a little boy, an advertising company got in touch with my Mum and said they wanted to make him a poster boy – for birth control!

My brother soon developed a disturbing liking for Whisky, want to tell people what Whisky was? Well ladies and gents, this is my brother with his teddy Whisky! He went everywhere with that teddy, until one day it had an unfortunate accident and his head somehow managed to fall off and out of our bedroom window onto Church Road!

I've never said this before but in the early years I was convinced my little brother was actually a little sister, here you'll see why!

We used to have a great childhood me and my brother, New Mills carnival every year was always something to look forward to. Grandma would make us fancy dress outfits and we'd be dragged around New Mills and told we were having a good time. Here you'll see us winning first prize dressed as chimney sweeps.

We did have some good times me and my brother, I remember one year our Dad took us on holiday to Pontins, the weather was great, we all had a great time and I think I remember Andrew falling into the boating lake!

Next is a picture of me, Andrew and our little sister Natalie when she was born. Now I decided to include this, one because I know it will embarrass Natalie as well, but also for the lovely tracksuit and Boris Becker t-shirt combo that Andy is sporting there!

Here you'll see a couple of pictures as Andy starts growing up, and yep, he was a choir boy. Anyone who's heard him sing will wonder how the heck he managed to blag his was onto the choir!

Here is another photo I found, I have no idea what the occasion is here, but I think if you look closely at Andy, it looks like he's just been let out on remand!

Right here we are, my little brother on his 18th birthday with his first legal pint. And bottom left, that Christmas. It all goes downhill here for Andy. As I'm sure we all know, he likes a drink. Now please don't confuse “liking a drink” with “being able to handle his drink”. Let me explain..

One night, not long after they had moved house, Andy had gone out for a beer, he come homes a little worse for wear and needs the loo. So off he trots… Mum wakes up, in her bed to hear the sound of running water.. She puts the light on and there is Andy, butt naked having a whazz in her wardrobe!

Right another one, while we're talking about Buxton Road. Andy used to have a bedroom in the loft, it had one of those slide down ladders and honestly it was a pain in the backside getting up and down from there. I'm fairly sure Mum doesn't know this, but at night if he needed a pee, instead of coming downstairs to the loo, you know what he used to do? He used to whazz out of the bedroom window!

Another story I've heard is one night when he was in Stax, for those of you who don't know, Stax is (or I should say was) a nightclub in New Mills, it was a bit of a dive. But nonetheless, Andy used to enjoy a few beers in there at a weekend. One night, whilst feeling invincible after a half of shandy, he decided it would be a good idea to do a somersault of the stage. Busting his thumb and splitting his head open in the process.

More? Ok, I've got more.. There was another night where Andy was round at his mates house, they'd had a lot to drink and needless to say, Andy was a little ill. Most respectful people would then chunder in the sink or toilet.. not our Andy, he chundered in his mates Mum's make-up box!

Right, that leads me on to Andy's 30th birthday last year. Unfortunately I couldn't attend, but I've heard the stories. Let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, that if Tom Jones comes on later, I'm leaving – because this photo was not the end of the performance!

Here we are with Andy on a quiet night out in New Mills

Here we are on the stag weekend, Andy, myself, Ned, Neil, Millsy, Stuart Dowell, Stuart Henshaw and Nick went paintballing. The picture on theleft is Andy just after we pelted him with bullets, and the one on the right is just a few of the bruises he suffered.

And finally ladies and gents, these last few photos are Andy having a good time when we went out in Leeds. At one point we were in a comedy club, and the look on Andy's face when the compare dragged him up on stage was priceless. I'm sure everyone who went will agree that it was a great night, and we tried our best to whip Andy into shape for married life.

(This is where the powerpoint presentation ended).

Now ladies and gentlemen, I'm told it's bad form to talk about the Grooms ex-girlfriends, so I'll steer clear of this subject, but I do find it a coincidence that 146 is Andy's lucky number!  As best man part of my duties were to keep them all out of the way today, but looking around the room I've noticed one or two have snuck in.
Andy is now an honest man, so if any of you do have keys for his house can I ask that you quickly pop up here now and hand over the keys.

Right, I've got a message from the guys who Andy used to play football with at the football club here, and it's to Steph, it says we've tried Andy in every position and found him to be equally useless in all of them. Hope you have better luck..!’

I've been married now for almost a year, and thought I would pass on some marriage advice to Andy..

1)            Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who is the boss: Then do everything Steph says.

2)            You're now married, but should you want to do it again, remember bigamy is a crime, and the punishment for that is 2 mothers in law

3)            It's no coincidence that “MOTHER IN LAW” is an anagram of “WOMAN HITLER”

4)            It's important to choose a wife who dresses to kill, just make sure she doesn't cook that way!

5)            Marriage had many pains, but celibacy has no pleasure!

6)            The best way to remember your anniversary is to forget it once!

7)            Andy if you're clever, you'll always have the last word. If you're really clever, you'll never use it!

8)            If ever you're out and happen to lose your wife, just find a beautiful woman and start talking to her – you'll find your wife appears in a matter of seconds!

In actual fact guys and girls, I'm really proud of my little brother. Despite all the years of mental and physical torture I subjected him to, we've still remained friends.
He's done some pretty amazing stuff in his short years, doing a parachute jump for charity, camping round Europe.
He's worked at New Mills Leisure Centre since he was 16, working his way up to Duty Manager and is also a life guard trainer and assessor.
I will also say that in the 31 years I have now know him, today is the first day that he has ever bought me lunch!

Ladies and gentleman, please be upstanding, I want you to raise your glass to a lovely couple who some of you know very well already, some of you not so well, but I'm sure by the end of the night, you will all know and love them, please raise your glasses to ……………………..the barstaff.

Ok on that note I'll wind things up by saying I hope that Andy's performance tonight is better than Liverpool's in the Europa League last season, and that he manages to get past the semi!

To Andy and Steph, congratulations on your wedding day, Andy I'm really proud of you, Steph, I'm in awe of the momentous task you have taken on in agreeing to look after him! To the both of you, may your “For better or worse” be far better than it is worse. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, Mr and Mrs Lomas.