Speech by Chris Martin

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Martin
Speech Date: Nov2004
Ladies and Gentlemen, prey silence, for ….erm well, me. The last time I did this the audience wet themselves, they didn't laugh, they just wet themselves. To be fair though, some of them were quite elderly so you have to expect a few accidents…

It really is wonderful to see so many of you here for this occasion despite Paul's best efforts to keep numbers down by only sending out invitations a couple of weeks ago and by holding the wedding on the same day as England play France in Portugal.…

For those of you who may not have actually received an invitation, you are here now so, we will let you stay, but I must ask you to try not to annoy the real guests…

Please try to look as though you enjoy the speeches as we are all a bit nervous , put it this way, if you don't laugh I'll do it twice, so it's your time you are wasting.

It is traditional for the Groom to be embarrassed and humiliated at this point, however as you all know, Dawn and Paul aren't very traditional….fortunately I am….so here we go.

When Paul told me that he and Dawn were getting married I have to admit I was shocked… partly because she had said yes…..and partly because the rohipnol had worked….It was in my shocked and weakened state that I agreed to be here today to perform this duty….that's typical of Paul though, he always gets people when they are vulnerable..

Anyway with over a year to go before the wedding I thought, I'd be ok, they would never make it, but then I remembered they had bought a fridge together, and I knew that this was serious.

Incidentally if anyone is interested in hearing the infamous “fridge story”, please feel free to ask Paul about that later on, he really does enjoy telling the story….on an individual basis…in minute detail…..over and over again..… He loves it, his little face lights up everytime he's asked about it…..a bit like his fridge when you open the door.

I'm going to start by telling you a bit about Paul so I can really sell him to the Bride's family…and so that you can all know him as well as I know him. I must however remind you, they are married now, so it is too late.…

The World Of Paul

Paul doesn't live in the 21st century like you and I, he is middle aged before his time, he dresses like a mime artist, and lives in a world where the CD is yet to be invented, the DVD is nothing more than witchcraft and the motor car is started with a handle at the front.

Paul absolutely will not leave the house without his earplugs in….Surely now that he's married, he should where them when he goes in to the house…

He is never on time, his time-keeping is, well its shocking really, it's beyond being an endearing quality, it's just rude to be honest… don't get me started on that. Infact the only reason that Paul is even here today is because we told him the wedding was yesterday. Three hours we waited for him yesterday.

He has a disturbing and possibly illegal fascination with cheese…..… I've never known anyone spend so long shopping for cheese. It's the squeezing and fondling and sniffing and dribbling that gets me…and that's just himself, before he goes to the supermarket…..Sometimes he just goes to the counter to watch, he is band from Sainsburys now though…and tesco, kwiksave and asda.

Paul is a fairly keen cook, thats not easy to say…it's also not really true, he does have ago but it takes him three hours to make a cup of tea. I used to visit him in wakefield and he would always insist on making his own mayonnaise although to this day I've never found out why he always refused to eat it himself……or why he used to go and make it in his bedroom………

At school Paul was quite academic, his ability earned him a place on a physics degree at the prestigious St Andrews University, where he stayed until he had learnt just enough Physics to be able to project his vomit in excess of 5 feet…..… Harnessing only the power of three pints of beer….…
For those of you yet to witness this spectacle, stick around, he's had a few already so it's on the cards….not literally I hope, we have to read those later.

Paul's pulling technique, to be fair, ultimately successful…there she is Exhibit A. Mind you the amount of times Paul has tried to pull, the law of averages means that someone would go for it sooner or later…..I'm not saying that Dawn is average….let's say, ‘Practice makes perfect’ (cheesy insincere grin).
Paul uses his “Reverse Dancing” technique to back into random ladies until he is close enough to steal their handbags. …..He has been known to administer headslaps to total strangers on the dance-floor from time to time, so if you are dancing near him later on please be careful, try not to nudge him it does hurt.

Paul has a habit of applying for outrageous jobs that he has neither the qualifications nor experience to get. One example is his continual applications to the BBC to be head of light entertainment on Radio 4 or Chief Commissioning Editor.

Only Paul, would organise his stag night on the day of the F.A. cup final and spend the first few hours making bridesmaids dresses

OK, so what have we learnt about Paul?
He's a lazy, indecisive, un-reliable, disorganised, light-weight, with a cheese fixation, who enjoys making his own dresses 

I know what you are all thinking…what's in it for Dawn?.… Well it's not all bad news ……
Paul has many wonderful qualities that make him the special person he is today (Paul wrote that bit).

I haven't got any of them written here, I was hoping someone else would cover those.…

Over the years, Paul has always been there for me when I needed a friend….better than nothing I guess.

When I first went to uni, I was lonely and nervous and Paul drove 130mile round trip to see me, he didn't know where I lived or even if I was in, but he just appeared one day at my door…….A bit inconsiderate though mate, you should have phoned first, I could have had plans….no manners!

When no-one was there for my birthday, Paul was there
When I crashed my car on the way to Manchester and spent 2 weeks on crutches, Paul was there.
When I broke up with my girlfriend after 5 years together, Paul was there.
When I was made redundant….twice….Paul was there.
When my father died suddenly of a heart attack two years ago, Paul was there.

Infact everytime something bad happens to me, Paul is always there…………………………..I'm not saying he is a jinx or that he is somehow responsible, believe me, being responsible is not something anyone should accuse Paul of. But there is circumstantial evidence linking him to some of these things.

Paul and I used to go out in Manchester and stay at his mum and dads house, every morning his mum would ask “did you pull?, did you pull?” and I'm so happy to be able to finally say…Yes…..Although not as happy as the female population of Manchester who can now sleep soundly in their beds and enjoy a night out without wondering whether they would suffer the groping indignity of Paul's reverse dancing and letching.

I am truly happy for the bride and groom, it's amazing to see him finally grown up and married, to be honest it was touch and go whether he would make it but well done.…
I can't imagine the one without the other now, sometimes I can't even tell them apart.… I have been out with them when they were wearing matching clothes….why Paul wears Dawn's clothes is something you'd have to ask him later.

I am truly honoured to be asked to be here and I'd like to thank Paul and Dawn for asking me and for always being there for me. Please raise your glasses and join me in wishing them all the happiness in the world…

Read card from BBC telling him to stop bothering them etc…etc