Speech by Chris Pope

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Pope
Speech Date: Jul 2002
Good afternoon everyone, I hope you're all having a good time today, like I was until about 30 seconds ago.

I think the first thing I would like to say is that Sharon looks absolutely stunning today, as I'm sure you'll all agree. Unfortunately for the wedding photos, Chris looks…well stunned!

When Chris asked me to be his best man, I was of course flattered but pretty nonchalant, I wasn't worried, I thought, there can't be that much to do and even the thought of getting up and talking to you all didn't really bother me that much. After all, as those who know me will surely agree, I never have a problem when it comes to waffling on.

However, it got to about three weeks ago and I had still not come up with my speech. In desperation I turned to the Internet for help. Surely, the world's greatest source of information would be my saviour.

But once I got looking, I soon became perplexed by the number of bizarre things I was apparently meant to do, all in the name of being Best Man. Here we go.

First of all, I was meant to help Chris dress this morning. Hmmmm no, if Min can't dress himself by now, well it's really too late.

That he goes to the toilet before the service. See previous answer.

That his shoes are tied. I mean, c'mon, is this serious?

That his face and hair are "in order." Yeah right, if God couldn't do that, fat lot of chance I've got.

That there's nothing between his teeth, or is that between his ears and that his flies are done up and…and…well at this point, I got the impression that the duty of Best Man is simply to be Nanny for the groom here. So instead, I spent the next few hours scouring the Internet for a lot more interesting ahem articles.

However, as I'm fear of Sharon and Nina, I did take my duties responsibly. After all, we got to the church in plenty of time and he looks very smart, doesn't he? He also got a good night's sleep and I'm pleased to report that he slept like a baby…he woke up every 30 minutes crying for his mum.

For those who don't know, Chris and I have been mates for about 8 years now. There I was on my first day of University in York, feeling very lost and alone and well Southern when this bloke walks up, sits down next to me and said, Hi, I'm Chris, how you doing? Being an ignorant Londoner, I struggled to understand his strange country accent and smiled nervously, replying I was also a Chris and where are you from? The reply of County Durham left me also baffled. All I could think of was places like County Armagh in Ireland and he didn't sound like he was Irish. Still, with the aid of sign language and the medium of mime, we got through the first nervous hours of university and that night we went on the first of many, legendary drinking missions. That evening was a blur and we met several of the guests dotted around this hall, including Sharon, though more of that later. But from those early beer filled moments, Chris and I have been firm friends which is why, I guess, I'm standing here before you now.

It is traditional in moments such as these for the Best Man to drag up dirt on the groom, to tell tales of debauchery and misguided deeds, to shock and upset the bride's parents and make them wonder quite what they are letting their daughter marry this creature.

Problem is, Chris isnt that sort of bloke. Even the stag night passed by relatively harmlessly, we'll see some strippers some other time Douggy, though the less said about Min's semi-naked stroll through the streets of Darlo the better.

Chris was born in January 1976 and while that year was noticeable for such events as the VW Golf being launched and the Viking probe landing on Mars, two events struck me as being as a remarkable coincidence as being of the same time of the arrival of the boy Minkin.

Firstly the phrase ‘Junk food’ enters the English language for the first year; surely as good an excuse as any for the liking that Chris has for this form of eating, more of which later and also it was the driest summer in the UK since 1727; a strong indication for the arrival of Chris in the future, at any pub or bar that is.

Still, I racked my brains for stories and while I thought of many, many drunken nights out where our boy excelled himself, I thought that I would instead pick out a few salient points to show our man off in his best light, to show what makes Chris, well, Chris.

I refer you to the pictures on your tables.

No.1: Chris is glasses, truly unsettling. There can be few people here outside of Chris's immediate family that will have seen such a sight, this was taken on a train somewhere in Spain when we were Inter-railing and still scares the willies out of me. Thank god he's had his eyes done.

No.2: Fashion sense – none. Next picture.

No.3: Footballer and diplomat. I'm sure anyone that knows our groom here will agree with me that his first love in life, well second now, is football, in particular one Darlington football club. I was only broadly aware of Darlo when I first met Chris. I support Tottenham, come from a Tottenham area and those from my neighbourhood that didn't support Spurs, liked that team in red from down the road, whose name we don't mention. But now I was confronted with someone who was fanatical about a 3rd division football team. How can this be I thought. Oh how things have changed. Over the past 8 years I have been to Feethams more time than is right for someone from London, I've been in a riot at Hartlepool, shivered at Villa Park and got soaked at Wembley all watching Darlo with Chris.thank God I've finally got a season ticket for Spurs so I'll never have to go through that horror again!
But we must also look how Chris extends the hand of friendship to his bitter rival and even invites the hated enemy to his wedding. What a guy!

No.4: Shyness. I don't think I've ever met anyone who is as shy, retiring and more often than not, bloody useless at organising things as our Chris here. This is the man who once upon a time was scared of phoning a cab! As for his ability to get things done, only 3 days ago, there was a problem with his suit for today and the tailors needed to be contacted to sort it out. This is a quote from Chris, "Sod that, I'll let Sharon deal with it, I'm off to mow the lawn." Rock and roll mate!

No.5: Drinking. Apparently our boy likes the occasional tipple and he can be seen here with his occasional drinking buddy, partner in crime and all-round charming, witty and generally good-looking best man. What can I say about Chris and booze, I could talk about the fact that this is the bloke who chucks up through drinking more than any man alive. I could talk of the time when Chris and I tried to start a fight with two blokes who were dancing with my girlfriend and then we run away scared or I could mention the time that a drunken Chris was caught with a troupe of Buddhist nuns in a service station near Wetherby.

No.6: Finally, whilst scrambling for one last thing to say about Chris my attention was drawn to Chris's diet. Never, in all my years have I known anyone to be as fussy or a poor cook. I'm surprised he even managed to eat his bread roll. I still sometimes wake up in the night shuddering at the thought of those Findus pancakes and fish fingers, simmering in a vat of boiling oil. Michelin stars will not, I fear, be appearing next to Lynn-Minikin Towers in your restaurant guides.

So that's what I know of Chris. I thought it would only be fair to hear what some of the people who see him every day had to say about him.

I spoke to a couple of Chris's former Glaxo colleagues and they told me that, "Working with Chris was like working with a God. He's rarely seen, he's holier than though and on the rare times he does actually get any work done, it's a bloody miracle."

Unfortunately Chris has also been described as being lazy, insensitive and a waste of space and lets face it, if anyone knows him, it's his mum.

But all that aside, Chris has been a constant and loyal friend to me through the good and the bad times. He taught me accountancy on numerous nights in the pub, bailed me out of many sticky situations, and boy have I had some of them, and carried me home more times than I've carried him, and I thank you for that.

Now I come to Sharon. As I mentioned earlier, Chris and I met Sharon on the very first day of University. There was a party for all the freshers in a big marquee on the college grounds and all the nervous 1st years were trying to pluck up the courage to talk to new people. Chris and I wandered around till we spotted a group of girls chatting together. Tally Ho we said and marched over and made our introductions. I soon got chatting to this good-looking lass who said she was from near Cambridge. Wahey I thought and though my memory is slightly dampened by time and alcohol we seemed to spend about an hour chatting. Just when I thought it was time to unleash the full extent of the fabled Pope charm, Sharon turned to me and said, "I think we ought to talk to more people on our first night, see you later." Crushed I slunk away and four months later, our Minikin here had charmed said lovely lady for his own!

Since then, I've managed to annoy Sharon till the point she wanted to hit me and probably has, dragged her fella away to football matches and pub visits and pretty much forced her out the house when the St John's gang come to visit the north east.
Sharon though, is a wonderful person who has been a shoulder to cry on, she has an impeccable taste in music, a great sarcastic sense of humour and a fellow competitor in the hop-scotch rug game, which has kept me amused for many a minute at her house. She also makes my mate so happy, a rare trait indeed.

One thing people have told me is that you don't marry someone you can live with, you marry someone you can't live without. And this, everyone is so obviously true for Chris and Sharon, a couple so suited it's untrue.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Please be upstanding, to Chris and Sharon….