Speech by Chris Rowell

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Rowell
Speech Date: sep 2003
Thank you Ste for your kind words..… Brace yourself mate!
Its Nerve racking up here isn't it I don't know who was more nervous this morning, me or Ste, but then I found this in the toilet!
[SHOW BRICK]
Ladies and gentlemen, I am your best man for this afternoon. For those of you
who don't know me, my name is Chris…………Chris would you like a beer, so if any of you want to speak to me later, please feel free to use my full name.
Before I start, I have a quick announcement on behalf of the management.
Could you please refrain from standing on the tables and chairs during the standing
ovation at the end of my speech?
In preparation for today, I asked a wise old man how long my speech should last for. He told me it should last for about as long as it takes the groom to make love.
So with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you very much !!
SIT DOWN
I would also like to give thanks to the Reverend Vernon Marshal for such a lovely service, he was a laugh wasn't he? Actually he was a very easy-going chap whom I know helped Ste and Maxine relax. In fact in the minutes before Maxine arrived I asked him his thoughts on sex before marriage…he said he didn't mind as long as it didn't hold the service up.
Last night we stayed here in the Hotel Ste found one of those cards next to the telephone, advertising Luvely Ladies for your pleasure! He picked up the phone and said, tomorrow I get married and it has always been a fantasy of mine to have a threesome, I know it is probably against the hotel rules, but I wondered if you could send a couple of good looking girls over?

I heard the voice on the other end of the phone say, “I don't think that would be a problem but can you please dial 9 for an outside line!

I take the job of being best man very seriously; well I did after Max ‘had
a quiet word with me!
Anyway, I did some research via the internet.
Initially, I discovered that the best thing to do is to fork them out, and take
them to the dump or burn them. Then I realised I had searched for weeding,
not wedding.
I tried again.
I looked at the three key elements of the wedding service itself.
The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take
The Alter – the place where two become one
The Hymn – the celebration of marriage
I think Max must have done the same research, because as she was walking
past me, I'm sure I heard her whisper Aisle altar hymn, aisle altar hymn
Anyway my job now is to try to embarrass him a little…although Ste is more than capable of doing that all by himself.. ………as anyone who has seen him on a dance floor will know…
Rest assured though, unlike most best-man speeches, which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Ste and Maxine that if there's anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.
Further research led me to discover a few interesting facts: –
Ste was born in 1978 The year the Smurphs first came on to our screen
Also Ste's Hero was also released this year – I have it on good authority that when this Superhero took to the sky's Ste actually thought he WAS Superman!
Laser eyes!
Another interesting fact was – this was also the year the first test tube baby was born. Where's his dad? – Wanker!
One of my jobs as Best Man was to organise the Stag Party. Last week we went to Newcastle, and that's all I can say about the weekend really considering the company we are in! Other than to say, on behalf of all the lads, good luck in court next month! The pictures are all available on the internet!
By the way Ste I got a call from the RSPCA this morning, they say that the Chicken should make a full recovery now!
I have known Ste for over four years now, since he met Maxine on a blind date – organised by Jordan Hunt who used to work with Ste (of all people), well surprise, surprise, He is here tonight, yes – he is washing up!
Just before he met up with Maxine he fell in love with a Lady Painter and Decorator…… but was overcome with emulsion!
It's fair to say that for Ste it's not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent a few days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.
Remember that night when you fell in love with, whats her name? Stella, you met her in this very same pub? Then you fell asleep with her! Well twelve pints of that stuff and all you can do is sleep, but Ste managed it trying to get another one from the fridge! Maxine then sent him off to bed and ended up having to nearly break the bathroom door down ‘cause he had fallen asleep on the toilet as well!
Seriously, he gave blood recently; his was the only contribution with a head on it!
Ste and Maxine came camping with me and Suzie, in the summer a couple of years ago. we had just bought a new tent, the Lucky Tent! And we wanted to try it out. It was an enjoyable weekend, nice weather, a barbecue, a few drinks etc…
9 months later our Lewis was born – Say no more!
Ste and Maxine borrowed the same tent about 3 months later when they came to Trearrdur Bay (They tell me nothing happened) but Lyam was born, about three months after Lewis!
By the way, anybody want to by a very fertile tent? Nobody wants to borrow it anymore.
His dad gave me an old school report of Ste's. It reads..… Ste is an
ideal pupil who excelled in most subjects…..Sorry, let me read that again,
Ste is an idle pupil who should be expelled from most subjects.
I asked his Boss about Stes work. He was very quick to
tell me that Ste was known as ‘God’ at work. This surprised me a little
until he explained the nickname arises because
You never see him
He makes his own rules
If he does any work, it's a bloody miracle
Onto the nice stuff…
Seriously though I have to say, and I am sure you will all agree, doesn't the bride look stunning? And Ste, well, you just look stunned mate. No, seriously, you've scrubbed up surprisingly well considering the state you were in last night.
Ste she's a lovely person. She deserves a good husband… Thank God you married her before she found one!

The only advice of my own that I can offer you both
is to say that,…
you cannot make someone love you,……
all you can do is be someone who can be loved…….…
the rest is up to you now.
Remember Ste – There are just a few things for you to remember……
Firstly, set the ground rules and establish who's boss…and then do everything she says.
And secondly, make sure that you always have the last word in any discussion by never forgetting to use this phrase..… “Yes dear”.
Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight
Never swear at your wife if there are ladies present!
And finally, Ste, always try to help with the cleaning – Pick up your feet when Maxine's doing the vacuuming
I WOULD NOW LIKE TO READ A FEW CARDS.…
[READ CARDS]

Just before I finish can I draw your attention to the cameras that are situated on each table, Your job is to take various pictures of anything you fancy (Just make sure yer missus isn't looking) seriously though please feel free to snap away and leave the cameras on the table for the next person to use we will collect them all in afterwards and get them developed together.

Thanks to you all for coming and I hope you enjoy the evening do as much as I am intending to.…
[GET GLASS FOR TOAST]

My final duty as best man is to toast the bride and groom, so ladies and gentlemen please charge your glasses and be upstanding to join me in toasting the bride and groom, May your wedding night be like a kitchen table, all legs and no drawers!
The New Mr and Mrs Ratcliffe
Maxine and Ste!

CARDS
Ste, We could have been so good together, That's from Liz Hurly
Sorry we cant be there, but us girls have to work you know… All the girls at For Your Eyes Only – Thanks for letting us all dance for you
To Mr & Mrs Ratcliffe…congratulations and Good Luck for the future, lots of love and best wishes from Bill and Mary Firkin – and the whole Firkin family.
This one's addressed to Ste…Steven, I miss your muscular arms, your beautifully toned body and I will never forget our intimate nights by the pool..… Thanks for everything
Lots of Love…..Michael Barrymore.