Speech by Chris Rowlands

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Rowlands
Speech Date: Apr 2002
Good afternoon ladies and gentleman, and welcome along to what I'm sure you'll agree has been a fantastic wedding celebration. For those of you who don't know me, my name is Chris would you like a drink Rowland. Please do not hesitate to call me by my full name later.

First of all on behalf of the bridesmaids. I'd like to thanks Jonathan for his kind words and I think everyone will agree that Kara and Georgina and not to mention Jade look gorgeous and have done a great job today.

It is a great honour to be here today as Jonathans best man. Being best man is possibly the most terrifying ordeal you can inflict on anyone-I assure you all that this is not the first time today I've risen from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand.

Even so, I agreed to be Jonathans best man and it takes a responsibility that I didn't take lightly-so I searched on the internet for a check list to make sure I knew what I was supposed to do.

Firstly it stated help the groom dress. I'm sorry but I think he should be able to do that himself by now,
Secondly ensure the groom uses the toilet before the service. I know I'm his brother in law but were not that close.
Thirdly make sure his shoes are tied, his flies done up, his hair combed, face washed and teeth brushed. At this point I was thinking maybe his mum should've been best man.

So what can I tell you about the groom, well to be honest I did not know Jonathan during his youth so I'm afraid I haven't got too many tales to tell you. One story though I managed to retrieve from his past was from one time at Silsden carnival at the age of ten when he had his first experience of driving. He somehow managed to lose control of an extremely low powered childrens go-kart and crashed straight through a hale bale and collided with a caravan. This incident clearly knocked his confidence to drive as it was not until the age of 24 when he was finally plucked up enough courage to learn.

I can tell you that Jonathan does possess some skills however. He has the ability to fall asleep. One time we were all staying in a bed and breakfast in London and after a heavy night's drinking we arrived back in the early hours. Kerry left the room to go and use the communal bathroom however on return the door had locked behind her. Jonathan was in the room but had fallen into an unbreakable unconsciousness. After many minutes knocking on the door without success, Kerry came to our room for help not surprisingly slightly embarrassed about the whole situation. After a further half hour of me banging on their door much to the other Guests annoyance we failed again to awake Jonathan from his coma. At this point we gave in and Kerry had to sleep in our room with me and Georgina having to share what I can only describe as a plank for a bed. Needless to say none of us would give him the time of day the next morning.

As many people will know Jonathan is a massive Leeds fan, like myself. Not only that but Jonathan will literally watch any sport on television, from cricket to topless darts. Well this used to be the case before the arrival of the second lady of the house, the beautiful Jade. Since then instead of looking forward to a fun packed weekend of Sky Sports and Grandstand he has to patiently endure hours of Teletubbies and Blues Clues. To his merit he never complains however I would like to take this opportunity to say “Jade start watching football!!”

That actually reminds I was flicking through the local free paper before to try and take my mind off my things when I came across this advert-“complete set of encylopedias for sale, just got married wife knows bloody everything”-I didn't know you were that desperate to raise funds for pay per view football Jonathan!

Anway, Kerry and Jonathan have finally got married.
As Groucho Marks once said ‘Marriage is an institution- who wants to be in an institution’

So just remember Kerry, Men are like a fine wine, they start out like grapes and it is your job to stamp on them in the dark, until they mature into something that you would like to have dinner with.
On the other hand Jonathan, women are also like fine wine. They will start out fresh fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary, eventually giving you a headache.

On a serious note I would like to say that I think Kerry and Jonathan make a wonderful couple not to mention wonderful parents. On behalf of the bride and groom I would like to thank everyone here for sharing there special day. It gives me great pleasure, not to mention relief to invite you all to stand and raise your glasses in a toast to Kerry and Jonathan. We wish them well for the future and hope they enjoy a long and happy marriage.

To Kerry and Jonathan, the new Mr and Mrs Bowler.