Speech by Chris Scheid

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Scheid
Speech Date: Jul 2001
Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Chris S. and I have the honor today of holding the best man speech.

Since I am German and not familiar with the duties of a Best Man I had to take a crash course on a web site called ‘I Do.com’. I guess I should pronounce that I DO.com, I DO – .com. (pronounce strongly)

Anyway, on this site I found a checklist of best man duties that I found a bit strange:

1. Check that the groom is properly dressed. I guess they want to make sure people don't show up naked at the altar and say something like: I DO – need some clothes. It's freezing in here.
2. Check breath: Well, I check this morning and Mike was breathing regularly, in and out, pulse 180.
3. Protect groom from angry ex-girlfriends. I think they are all about 6000 miles away, so we're safe.
4. Bring a zip-lock bag with aspirin, anti-acid and valium. Zip-lock bag. You won't believe how long it took me to find a zip-lock bag in France! As for the drugs I think we already used most of them last night in the bar.
5. Give a speech to the bride and groom. Now, I thought this meant JUST the bride and groom, talk to them in private with some tea and cookies, not in front of a 100 people.
But I'll try my best, ’cause Mike said if I do a good job I can be Best Man at his next wedding, too. (I'm kidding. No, I really am.)

I met Mike 13 years ago in X at a volleyball game. I was exchange student in High School at the time. He was practicing karate kicks against invisible opponents and I thought: "Man, the guy might need some help." Soon we became good friends.

The first test of our friendship came when my host parents decided that Mike was not the right friend for me because he was in college and hat too much freedom.
Instead I decided the host parents were probably not the right host parents because they were adults and had too much freedom. So I changed host families and stayed friends with Mike.

Mike is probably the person that influenced my life the most. Well, he and Bruce Willis. That's why today I would like to share with you why I think he is the perfect man for Sophie.

1. He is clever
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After my year as an exchange student was over Mike and I decided to celebrate with my first illegal drink in a public restaurant. For the occasion I wore a suit and tried to grow a beer. Both things didn't look very good. To avoid getting carded Mike had the idea I should speak German to him whenever the waitress was near.
"You guys are 21, right?"
"Jaaa. Franz and I would like se beer and pretzels, please. Senk you."

By the way, I DO.com suggested I should picture the audience in a clown costume to calm me down. Well, it's not working. So I would like to ask one of you to assist you. (Hand clown nose to someone) That's much better.

2. He is a good cook
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Mike and I used to work out a lot, pushing waits like real men. So Mike's normal diet consisted of 1000mg vitamin pills, protein shakes with 3 raw eggs and sugar frosted cereal. All self-prepared. I wish for the both of them that Sophie is going to do the cooking.

3. Another trait is: He is only human
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When my sister worked in NY for some time she was very homesick. I asked Mike to visit her and distract her a bit. As it turned out he distracted her a lot but her homesickness was gone also.
After 6 months my sister returned to Germany and Mike followed her. Sounds familiar? They got engaged, married, had kids and lived happily ever after. NOT! The truth is they decided to break off the engagement because Mike is snooring. So says my sister.

4. He is a great driver
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Mike used to drive Hartford – NY in 30 minutes. He also thinks cars should come with built-in radar detectors and lane markings are loose guidelines that can be extended to the sidewalk or the opposite lane. Today he slowed down a bit and is driving a station wagon.

5. He is looking out for his friends
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Mike is a people magnet, a social genius. He pulled me and others to my current company, he pulled me over to Paris.
Unfortunately, he changed companies and is pulling all his friends away from my company. As a result of the loss of employees my company was so weakened that it collapsed and was bought out.

6. He is a tough guy
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Just a few samples: He treats athlete's foot with Hydrochloric Acid and joggs 10 miles in dress shoes. Things that make you go "Hm".

7. He choses wisely
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Mike and Sophie met in Milwaukee in 1997 when Sophie was working as a nanny for a year. At the time Mike was very befriended with Nathalie, another French au pair. He insists that his relationship with Nathalie was strictly platonic but he dropped the word ‘superbabe’ a couple of times.
Of course once he fell in love head over heels with Sophie superbabe was out of the picture. Mike decided to follow Sophie to France although he didn't speak a word of French. And that's commitment.

I realize none of Mike's traits I mentioned are probably necesary for a good marriage. But they help out a lot if you need to treat athlete's foot or if you crave a protein shake with raw eggs.
The only thing at the base of a good marriage is love. Love that is obviously present in Sophie's and Mike's relationship. I wish it will be present now and forever.

So please stand up and raise your glasses to toast to Mr. and Mrs. x