Speech by Chris Smith

Speech Type: Best man
Speech Creator: Chris Smith
Speech Date: oct 2002
Thank you GREG for those kind words.

I hope you will all excuse my nervousness – The last time I had to do any form of public speaking, was in front of a Judge and Jury – But Scott has promised me that if I don't stuff up too much, he'll let me be best man at his next wedding.

For those of you who don't know me, my name is Chris. And I am Scott's best man – which obviously says a lot about his friends.

In preparation for today, I asked a wise old man how long my speech should last for. He told me it should last for about as long as it takes the groom to make love.

So with that, Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you very much !!

(SIT DOWN. WAIT 10 SECS AND STAND UP).

Only joking !!

It is my pleasure to thank the parents of the bride and groom, for putting on such a special day for everyone. I am sure you will all agree, both Bill & Lisa, and Benny & Sally, have done an absolutely wonderful job today. Please charge your glasses and join me in a toast.
TO THE PARENTS, OF THE BRIDE & GROOM

On behalf of the Bride and Groom I would like to thank you all for coming today, and helping to make Scott and Kate's day so memorable. Personally, I wish you had all stayed at home. It would have made my job far easier.

When Scott asked me to be his best man, my first reaction was,
WHAT, DID EVERYONE ELSE TURN YOU DOWN?
Then I realized what an honor it actually is.

And in the time honored best man tradition – I will now do my best to Give Scott the most uncomfortable 5 minutes of his life.
Which to be fair, is only what he gives Kate, every time they go to bed.
Rest assured though, unlike most traditional best man speeches which are full of sexual innuendo, I've promised Scott and Kate that if there is anything slightly risqué, I'll whip it out immediately.

I decided to do some research on the internet for advise on what a best man should do, but I always ended up getting sidetracked in other internet sites, which I wont go into here, as there are ladies present.
( If any laughter – “ No don't laugh, there ARE SOME ladies here today” )

During my research I found some interesting things.
Firstly, there are 3 key elements of the Wedding ceremony. They can be summarized as follows:

The Aisle – it's the longest walk you'll ever take.
The Altar – the place where 2 become 1.
The Hymn – the celebration of the marriage.

I think Kate must have done the same research as me, because as she walked up the aisle today, I'm sure I heard her whispering “Aisle Altar Hymn, Aisle Altar Hymn”.

Secondly, a little background on marriage, and with all the present hype about the lord of the rings trilogy, this is very timely. A lot of people don't know that marriage is also a trilogy of rings. When Scott decided that Kate was the only one for him, he asked for her hand in marriage and presented her with the first ring.
THE ENGAGEMENT RING.

Today, all of us here witnessed Scott and Kate vow their lives to each other as they exchanged the second ring in the trilogy.
THE WEDDING RING.

Now, as many of you married couples will know, the third and final ring comes a few years down the road, after the honeymoon is over, the bills are mounting and the kids are screaming. This third ring, of course, is
THE SUFFER-RING!"

Now this is the part of my speech where I am supposed to tell you all embarrassing things about Scott. Things like when he was a baby, he was so ugly his mum had to tie a bone around his neck so the dog would play with him. Or about all the bananas his father got offered every he took Scott outside. But I'm not going to do that.

So instead, I'll tell you that I have only known Scott for about 6 years, I say only, not because he is such a top bloke I wish I had known him longer, but because I have only known him for a relatively short time, I don't have much dirt on him.
I first met Scott when we both decided to play softball. He thought that it would be good place to pick up chicks. Kate, what can I say?
I remember very well the first season we played together.
Scott was basically found to be useless in every position. So Kate, I hope you have better luck.

For the first 2 years Scott lived in WA, all he would say, is how wonderful Queensland is, it's God's own country etc. etc. And all his friends would say, is why don't you sod off back then? To which he had no answer.

Now I'm sure you are all aware, Scott has had a few jobs in his life. One of them was managing a men's clothing store in Queensland.
I think I know the reason he isn't still working there. One night he turned up to a softball game wearing his jumper inside out.
He has also worked for a retaining wall company, so when I needed a retaining wall, I thought, who better to help me build one? What a mistake. It was 2 and a half years in the making, and not so much straight, as banana shaped.
He also worked with me for a while in a manufacturing business. Honestly, watching him at work, was proof that time could go backwards. – And he made the worst coffee I've ever tasted.
It's fair to say that for Scott, it has not always been plain sailing, for example he has had a few health problems recently. He's just spent six days in hospital in the premature ejaculation unit….… apparently it was touch and go at one stage.

Scott has always seemed to me, to be the eternal bachelor. I never once thought that he would actually get married. I remember a few years ago we were talking, and he said “THAT HE WOULD NEVER MARRY", but, if he did, he would marry a woman with small feet. "WHY SMALL FEET?" I asked.
“SO SHE CAN GET CLOSER TO THE SINK" he said.

But he has finally done it, for better or for worse, which is appropriate, as Scott couldn't have done any better, and Kate couldn't have done any worse.
( LOOK AT SCOTT )
Scott, Kate's a wonderful person, and deserves a good husband. You're lucky you married her before she found one.

( I have here a few telegrams which I shall now read. )

Now for everyone here, the best part of my speech, the end.
I would like to finish of with a few words of wisdom.

Never go to bed angry…..always stay up and fight

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

A husband's last words should always be ‘YES DEAR’.

In a woman's dictionary an ARGUMENT is defined as
A discussion that occurs when the wife is right but the husband just hasn't realized it yet.
And finally, Scott, always try to help with the cleaning.
Pick up your feet when Kate's doing the vacuuming
Ladies and gentlemen, please join me in a toast to the happy couple.

MAY YOU LIVE EACH DAY LIKE YOUR LAST,
AND LIVE EACH NIGHT LIKE YOUR FIRST
TO SCOTT & KATE SMITH
Thank you.